When the day comes
by Kioux
Summary: A scenario set after the events of ME2 and thus may contain spoilers / FemShep made some important decisions. She'll have to see how it will effect things with her former Lieutenant. edited and adjusted 04/10/10
1. Welcome back

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.  
**

_Author Note: This is my first attempt to publish some FanFiction. Having my previous works read by someone who clearly did not belong to the addressed group, didn't turn out too well. Finally I found the guts to give it another try... well here it is. Be gentle with your judgment - but also honest. Thanks for reading._

_Also many thanks to the reviews and hints for improvement - they have been appreciated. (Revised and updated: 04/20/10)  
_

_Warning: Rated M - While some of the chapters will not contain any material that is unsuitable for children under the age of 16 – other chapters will contains sexually explicit material as well as the description of violence and battle. Please take this into consideration._

_Explanation: The story takes place after the events of Mass Effect 2 and thus will contain possible spoilers._

_Shortly after succeeding and surviving the suicide mission, Shepard had returned to the Citadel for a quick stop before she headed off to the Omega-Station to grant her crew some shore leave. While most of them are looking forward to the free time, Shepard is still fighting the demons of her past, especially those that remind her of the current emotional mess between herself and her former LT. Kaidan Alenko._

* * *

Chapter 1 - Welcome back

Shepard felt sick.

Rocking back and forth and taking deep slow breaths - she was trying to get it under control. Silently she cursed her current condition. It wasn't the first time. Actually ever since she had awoken from her death, she had felt the nausea creeping up on her every now and then. Usually she could keep it bay and only on a few days had she found herself sprinting to the bathroom. She just filed it under 'side-effects of a resurrection'. After all, large parts of her body had been utterly destroyed.

When she had made her way through the Cerberus base that had hosted the Lazarus Project – she had seen so many pictures in the different labs and offices. They were x-ray pictures of destroyed skeletal structures, each adjacent one showed different body parts or an advanced step of the reconstruction. Pictures of gray inner organs horribly mutilated by immense pressure and freezing cold – the next pictures showed them again: this time in vivid colors and alive. She had been fascinated by those images, had looked at them with great interest... but then she had finally noticed something. Her name – her own name had been written in the lower right corner of every x-ray and every other picture. She had not been able to grasp the meaning of it at that point... only hours later when she had been informed of her previous death and the reconstruction. Ever since that moment she had wondered if this project had been able to really reconstruct her. There were days when she had so many doubts about it – if she really was herself or if some things had just been lost.

To not drown in those questions she kept telling herself that it was not uncommon to use genetic material and grow additional skin or even organs for medical uses. Maybe it was the simple fact that it had been Cerberus... she pondered. Would she still feel so odd about it if it had been the Alliance or a random Asari or Salarian Clinic? She knew that nobody would have invested the credits in the project but that wasn't the point. She liked to think that she would feel different if it had been anyone else than Cerberus. Having this organization rebuild her... even if she couldn't remember it, it felt invasive and even disgusting. The idea that Wilson had run his hand over her newly grown skin... a shudder ran down her back. The image of Miranda shooting him in the throat seemed much more appealing all of a sudden.

Another wave of queasiness sneaked up on her and Shepard returned to the rocking motion to fight it. It was only about 2 or 3 months ago since the attack on the Cerberus-Base – since she had been thrown into this mess. Maybe it was still too early. Maybe her body just needed more time – maybe half a year or even a year but she wouldn't give up on the hope that the day would come where she felt – alright. It would be that very day that she knew she was herself again.

When the wave had passed, she leaned back again. Maybe she was reading too much into it. It was probably just the stress that had gotten a hold on her as soon as she had opened her eyes. _Welcome back. You died and have been semi-dead for two years. We'll start your new life with a lethal situation to ease you in. After that you have to investigate missing colonies, try to thwart new attacks, find a way to destroy the Reapers and stop an eternal cycle from repetition. No stress, right? No pressure. _A weary smile formed on her lips. How she and her team had made it through some of those missions... she still couldn't quite understand.

But yes, the stress had to be it. She remembered her condition after the battle on the Citadel. Besides her sore muscles and bruises, the remaining stress had needed days to finally fall away from her. She had been so accustomed to being on edge – to be ready to engage a battle at any minute, that her body had difficulties to shift back into relaxation.

"Commander – everything is ready."

She raised her head, the memories still clinging heavily to it and it took her a moment to understand where she was. She was on her Normandy and it was her pilot that spoke.

"Give me a moment."

"Just say the word."

"Thanks, Joker."

She shook her head slightly as if that could get rid of those tormenting thoughts. But now wasn't the time to dwell on it. Instead she had to address her crew and she had long thought about how she would do that.

"I am ready."

"Aye aye, Commander."

After a moment of silence she stood up.

"Everyone, we have arrived on Omega-Station. At the risk of repeating myself, I want to thank you all once more for the incredible work you have done. This would not have been possible without you and so there is nothing left for me but to wish you a wonderful week. Stay out of trouble but have a drink for me. I will see you in 7 days at 1200. You are dismissed so go and have fun. Shepard out."

She frowned for a moment but it quickly changed into a smile when she joyful cheers and yells reached her even in this part of the ship. She could get used to this. The tone was no longer the strict military one... after all, there was no need. She was no longer part of the Alliance... she was no longer part of Cerberus... she was – free. How odd that sounded.

Five days ago she had called in a meeting with the experts of her team. Everyone knew that things had changed ever since they had blown up the Collector's base. It was pretty much like telling the Illusive Man to go and screw himself. Additionally, Shepard had no intention of turning herself in for recycling, let alone returning the Normandy. So Cerberus was part of the past – there was no way they would go back and work with them again. It didn't sadden Shepard – not at all.

But there were not many alternatives either. Returning to the Alliance was out of question. Too many former soldiers were on board and all of them, Shepard included, had been branded as Cerberus. That at least some of them had never truly been part of it didn't matter. The rumors were out and it would take a long way to tackle and correct them.

They could try and work with the Council... yeah... they had dropped that topic before it even started. The Council had made very clear that, while Shepard's Spectre status had been restored, they didn't want her around.

So, all in all, it had come to the decision that they would no longer fly under anyone's banner – they had become freelancers. When that word had been said aloud – it seemed to echo in the comm-room. Most of them had never been in this situation before and slowly it began to sink into their minds.

"There are favors I can call in" Thane had offered.

"And I have some connections" Garrus had added.

Most of them had connections from the past or someone that owed them a favor – they were not completely without resources and so the shock had soon been pushed aside and they had returned to business. Things had to be prepared.

Two days later, the crew had been informed and had been offered a chance to leave. She would have understood it, especially after what they had experienced during the time they had been captured by the Collectors. To her surprise it had only been three people that left. She remembered one of them – though not his name. He had been sitting in the crew's quarters talking to a comrade about his newly born child. There was no way she could hold his decision against him – especially since she knew that it could be the last days, weeks or months for him to see his child.

All it took would take was one mistake, a miscalculation or a rash decision and the Reapers could be standing on the Citadel's doormat next week. Secretly, she sometimes wished that she could just leave and just get away from it all. On those days – when dark thoughts added their power to her doubts, she was asking herself if she had not done enough good in her lifetime to have earned the rest she sometimes sought. Never would she admit it but she wondered at those moments if it had been right to reclaim her from death. When she felt her fingernails cut into her palm, she did her best to pushed those thoughts away. Maybe she was just growing soft - the constant pressure of this mission had begun to wear her down.

She slumped back down into the seat and like so often, her view drifted to the picture on her desk. Her already unsettled stomach rose another wave. Even now, many days after she had seen him, the battle of her emotions had not ended. Whenever either love or anger was about to win something poured oil into the fire and it started all over again.

Her mind had switched off when she had seen him on Horizon."I was in shock. At least that's the only way I can explain those ridiculous things I said." she told herself. _Bah, who are you trying to convince? _Her mind responded. Him... she was trying to convince him and though she had failed miserably – he should have given her another chance, some more minutes... _Like you would have listened if you had been in his shoes! _the voice in the back of her head said without mercy.

"Maybe... but I listened to Toombs, didn't I? I listened to Helena Blake and gave her another chance." Her fingers had clenched into a fist again. She had done so many things to try to convince them that she never trusted Cerberus, that she only worked with them as much as absolutely necessary. Biting her bottom lip she smashed her fist on the desk.

"See what you do to me?" She groaned and rubbed her hands over her face. Maybe things would be different now that the battlefield was a new one. It was neutral ground. "We'll have to see about that." One last deep breath before she got up and used the small boost of energy to get going. The former Alliance Commander Sayen Shepard left her private quarters. There were still so many things to do.


	2. BabyBlue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note:__ This is my first attempt to publish some FanFiction. Having my previous works read by someone who clearly did not belong to the addressed group, didn't turn out too well. Finally I found the guts to give it another try... well here it is. Be gentle with your judgment - but also honest. Thanks for reading._

_Also many thanks to the reviews and hints for improvement - they have been appreciated_

_Warning:__ Rated M - While some of the chapters will not contain any material that is unsuitable for children under the age of 16 – other chapters will contains sexually explicit material as well as the description of violence and battle. Please take this into consideration._

_Explanation:__ The story takes place after the events of Mass Effect two and thus will contains possible spoilers._

_In the different chapters, I'll move a bit away from Shepard at times, trying to give some of the other characters a voice as well. Not everyone will agree with how I see them, but that is inevitable. I hope you will enjoy it any way._

_I am not 100% happy with things, but no matter how or what I tried, I never got it quite right. Still, it was a scene I wanted to write, because the bond between the two characters seems important to me.  
_

_

* * *

_

Chapter 2 - Baby-Blue

There was a reason she had decided to head to Omega-Station. First of all – it was far away from the Citadel; second – it was less complicated to do business here - **if** you knew the rules. Several past missions had brought them to this place and so she knew who to look out for. Aria was all business and as long as Shepard paid her the respect she sought, there wouldn't be much of a problem. Besides the Asari had connections – many of them, and that could turn out useful to them. Shepard was hoping that they would come to an agreement, something like 'one hand washes the other'. Aria was a special kind of shifty, but at the same time she held on to a strange code of honor. The former Alliance soldier was not too worried about dealing with her.

She realized that she was starring passed the screen of her work terminal. The thoughts had distracted her... not that she minded. She stretched and moved her head in small circles, her right hand resting on her neck. Since she had dismissed the crew several hours ago, she had been writing on files and reports. It was difficult, because they were no longer addressed to someone else. No longer would these reports be sent to the Council or Hackett or Anderson or even the Illusive Man. No longer would they have to justify their actions and decisions. Instead they would serve as references for their own future missions and plans and maybe they would serve as some kind of currency or trade-goods. At least it was something to consider.

"Aaaarrhhh" she suddenly yelled in frustration. She hated paperwork... hated all that organizing and planing. One report or two was doable but having to plan every tiny step for the entire the crew as well as the ship... it was driving her crazy.

"Is everything alright, Commander?" the blue hologram appeared on its platform at the entrance.

"Yes... no... I don't know. These numbers are driving me insane and how in the world am I supposed to know how much food the crew needs in a week?" She buried her face in her hands.

"The crew consumes approximately 68 gallons of-"

"Aaaarrh..." she yelled again, quieting the AI. "I mean... I don't need the numbers right now, EDI! It just feels like another overwhelming task... in addition to all those things that still need to be done."

"Maybe you should let us help you then." Another voice, came over the intercom.

"Joker... since when... never mind..." She massaged her temples a while. "What are you still doing here anyway? You should be enjoying a drink somewhere." It's not that she didn't appreciate him being there and offering help, but she had sent everyone else off hours ago.

"Oh, I will, in a while."

"A while, huh? So what are you still doing here then?" The one thing she had always appreciated about Joker was his honesty and his breaking of protocol. It was a wonderful change of pace... but there were times when she would have loved to strangle him.

"I'm making sure that you will eventually leave the ship." he responded truthfully. Shepard didn't see his face but she didn't need to – she knew by the sound of his voice that he had that crooked smile on his face.

"Thanks mom – but it's alright. I'll just finish this paperwork. After that, I'll hand the reports to the maintenance team. So, get out of here." She knew why he stayed and just as she knew that nothing she said would convince him to leave.

"That's alright, EDI and I were just discussing how we could improve the interior if the ship. We also need a new logo... oh and a name." Shepard smiled again. Just as she had thought.

"Joker, no new paint or logos before we agreed on them, you hear me? If I return to the ship and the mess is painted in pink-- I will personally kill you." She heard him chuckle.

"Aye, aye Commander." Even though they had never talked about it – about what had happened during the last moments on the original Normandy, she knew that he felt guilty.

* * *

Joker had never told her but in his own way, he felt responsible for her death. If he hadn't been so stubborn – if he hadn't intended to go down with the ship... things would have been different. He should have known better – Shepard wouldn't leave anyone behind – not if she could help. Why the hell had he thought that a bit of fire and a ripped open outer hull could have stopped her? It was beyond him.

Only moments later he had regretted his foolishness. When she had placed him in the escape pod, another explosion had gone off and then... then she made a decision that would haunt him for many nights. He remembered calling her name – remembered how he wanted to reach out to pull her inside the escape pod, even if it would have broken his arm all over again. Her face had been hidden under the helmet, when she was clinging to one of the remaining frames – but he knew what expression was on it - no regret and determination.

'_I won't let you die!_' He had never heard those words from her but they had lingered in the air. Those words had nearly suffocated him when she had hit the emergency button, sending him to safety while she herself had become a casualty of war.

The things that followed had been just as bad. When his escape pod had landed and they had dragged him out, there were all those questioning faces. '_Where is the Commander?_' '_Why is she not with you?_' He had wanted to tell them what had happened but it was like his voice had gone missing. And then, when he had seen his friend approach him, he had wished for something to happen – anything that would have kept him from having to tell Alenko. He remembered how his hands had been shaking when Kaidan stood in front of him.

'_There was an explosion..._' '_She stayed behind to help me._' '_Things just happened too fast..._' '_She sacrificed herself to save me..._' He had wanted to tell him all those things to let him know that she had died as she had lived... but had hadn't been able to.

"She... she didn't make it..." that was all he could say-- all he had been capable to say. Alenko had stared at him, his face white and his eyes empty and Joker hoped that his friend had been able to read his thoughts.

He still wondered that at times. Things changed quickly after they had been rescued and it didn't take long before Joker left the Alliance. Having to witness how the politicians ripped and discredited everything they had accomplished under Shepard's command had bee too much for him. Besides, they had tried to keep him grounded. They had tried to take the last thing he cared about away from him. Resigning was the only option.

And then came Cerberus. He had been skeptical, especially since they had encountered them before but in the end – he couldn't resist. They had promised him medical care, good pay, a state-of-the-art ship and missions that demanded his skills. Of course it took a while until they got around to the good parts and they had tested him. He knew that – even then, but he gladly underwent their little tests. It gave him something to do, something to forget his guilt and anger. When Cerberus had decided to tell him about Project Lazarus, he had thought that they were testing him again, to see his reaction.

Joker grinned silently – he remembered how his jaw dropped when they told him that Shepard's body had been recovered and that she was to be brought back. He never wanted to admit it, but he was fond of her. She had always put up with his quirks and jokes and even more - she trusted him. He was unable to bring himself to call her a friend. It was something different, something just as meaningful but just not the same. He still tried to figure out how to call it.

He shook his head, that was enough of intense memories and it was time to move on again.

* * *

"But what about baby-blue? I was told it really brings out the color of my eyes." He suddenly said and Shepard couldn't help it but laugh out loud.

"That would give our Asari friends an unfair advantage, don't you agree?" she chuckled in response. She was grateful that neither Samara nor Liari were close. It was not meant as an insult but Shepard knew that the difference in culture was not aways easily overcome.

It was rare to hear Joker laugh and so she enjoyed it even more. Usually it was the pilot who fired witty remarks at everyone else.

"We better not mention this to anyone" he giggled and Shepard agreed. She stretched again. Maybe it was time to stop and for now.

"You ready to leave?" she asked while she was already getting up. She had packed her duffel bag a while ago.

"Ready when you are, Commander." She didn't feel comfortable leaving the ship. What if Cerberus tried to recapture it. What if someone else tried to plant surveillance equipment? And what if someone tried to sabotage them?

"Commander, you can leave the matter of security and surveillance to me. I will make sure that no unauthorized individuals will board the ship. In the case of a breach in security, I will alert you immediately. All access-points to my core have been sealed and the upgrades for the security programs are effective. There is nothing to worry about."

"EDI... stay out of my head." Shepard said with a half-smile.

"Commander?" She had to giggle again.

"Never mind, EDI. You have the security numbers and codes of the maintenance team?"

"Yes, Commander."

Shepard grabbed her bag and on the way to the door closed her terminal. Before she stepped into the elevator she turned around once more. She had become used to her cabin, it had become a home. Turning her back on it... was difficult. After taking a deep breath she finally stepped through the door.

When she arrived at her destination, Joker was already waiting. "Took you long enough." He smirked. Truly, he was one of the few people who could talk to her like that. Most other people would have received a cold glare at the very least.

"And here I thought you were free to leave the ship hours ago." She answered saucily. "You have everything you need?" He nodded and she noticed the small bag over his shoulder. Without words they made it to the air lock. "EDI – I am leaving the ship to you now. If anything strange or unexpected happens, contact me immediately."

"As you wish, Commander. I have taken the liberty to add Jeff to the list of emergency contacts. I hope this is acceptable."

Joker only grinned and raised his hands as a sign that he had nothing to do with it.

"Very well, EDI. I hope the repairs will be... enjoyable or at least bearable."

"Don't dare to get too attached to anyone from the maintenance team." Joker added and his semi-serious face caused Shepard to grin again.

This surely was an interesting start into an new episode of their journey.


	3. Minibar and bathtub

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note:__ This is my first attempt to publish some FanFiction. Having my previous works read by someone who clearly did not belong to the addressed group, didn't turn out too well. Finally I found the guts to give it another try... well here it is. Be gentle with your judgment - but also honest. Thanks for reading._

_Also many thanks to the reviews and hints for improvement - they have been appreciated._

_Warning:__ Rated M - While some of the chapters will not contain any material that is unsuitable for children under the age of 16 – other chapters will contains sexually explicit material as well as the description of violence and battle. Please take this into consideration._

_Explanation:__ The story takes place after the events of Mass Effect two and thus will contains possible spoilers._

* * *

Chapter 3 - Mini-bar and bathtub

Aria was by no means surprised. Ever since the rumors had reached her – she was expecting Shepard back any day. And then – news of the Normandy-SR2 taking course to her station made it into her club. A satisfied smile was on her lips.

"Kanos!" she snapped with her fingers and the Batarian arrived quickly. "Shepard and her crew are welcome here. See to it that they are comfortable. If anyone forgets, I'll have their heads decorating the entrance of Afterlife." She said in a sharp voice.

"I understand. I'll spread the news." He quickly answered. He bowed his head for a moment and left Aria alone. He knew how to behave, just like she liked it. Aria smiled again.

* * *

They had passed the airlock and Shepard had stopped at the maintenance station to give them the reports that included the status and condition of the Normandy. While doing so, Joker had nearly gotten them into troubles when he started to yell at one of the mechanics for calling the Normandy a 'piece of crap'. Holding the the gun to the mechanic's head after he had made the first move towards Joker, solved the problem.

"Stop your bullshit or Aria will have your head. Besides – how stupid can you be to move against a Spectre?" the chief mechanic had yelled at his subordinate. The Batarian's eyes widened – all six of them, just before he quickly nodded and rushed away.

"I could have handled that!" Joker said, his face still red from the yelling and the anger.

A few minutes later they had moved out of the docking bay and had entered Omega station. Now they would have to find some kind of lodging.

"Now that we are off duty and all..." Joker began and Shepard sighed. Every time someone started like that, it would be something unpleasant. She didn't answer but just glanced over to her pilot.

"Did anyone tell you that you look like hell?" She knew him well enough. This was not just a statement masking as a question. Joker was worried.

"No... no, nobody told me that. But I really appreciate your sentiment, Mr. Moreau. Thanks a lot." the slight grin was meant to tell him that she wasn't angry.

"When was the last time you slept for more than three or four hours?" He kept digging.

"Joker... I don't think that is any of your business."

"I just thought you should know that the crew started to notice the black clouds over your head." he inserted a dramatic pause before he continued.

"Now, there are a few people, myself included, that know it has nothing to do with any lack of sleep." He looked at her from the side again. Very consciously she stared straight ahead. This was the downside of being relatively well acquainted with the team.

"Listen, Commander, I'll stay out of this but..." he took a short breath "maybe you should get this sorted out. Especially after it got worse the day we left the Citadel." He was careful with the words he picked and the tone he used - untypical careful.

"There are people that will listen, if you ever feel the need to talk, yell or rant. There are also people who are willing to share a bottle or two with you. I just thought you should take that into consideration. Sorry, if I crossed the line, Commander." If this little discussion would have been about anything else, she would have thought it adorable how he tried to be considerate of her.

"I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for letting me know, Joker." her voice was wooden, just as her face. The amusement from earlier was gone. Those last words from Joker had stripped Shepard of her carefully constructed mask in seconds. He almost felt sorry to have brought it up because the face he saw now was that of an exhausted, grief ridden yet angry woman.

"Commander Shepard – welcome back to Omega. Aria sends me – I am to show you to your quarters." Shepard had her hand on her gun when the Batarian approached them. It was a habit – but one that had saved her life before.

"I haven't booked any quarters yet." She responded with no smile on her lips.

"Consider it a sign of appreciation. Aria made sure that everything was taken care of." He bowed his head and he smoothly moved his right arm across his chest, pointing her in the right direction. After a moment of hesitation, Shepard nodded and slowly began to walk that way. He quickly raised a datapad.

"As for your, Mr. Moreau, there is also a reservation for a nice room in the hotel... if you would like." Joker couldn't resist the smile forming on his lips.

"Oh, I think I'd like. Does it have a mini bar?" It was enough to force Shepard into a smile as well. The never ending enthusiasm and mischief of Joker was just amazing.

* * *

Well, one thing was for sure – Shepard felt appreciated. Kanos had led her into a Hotel that she didn't even know existed. It was probably intended like that. The outside didn't look any different than the rest of Omega's dirty fronts but the interior surely did. It was well secured and rich in decoration and luxury.

She had been given a large room with a big and incredibly comfortable looking bed, an entertainment station, an extranet terminal and a mini bar. There was also a bathroom that had nearly the same size as the bedroom and included a large bathtub and a luxurious shower additionally to the standard equipment.

As soon as Kanos had closed the door, Shepard dropped her bag and allowed herself to fall face first onto the bed. She was so tired, her body screaming for rest and comfort. She turned around and looked at the ceiling. It was soothing to watch the soft yellow colored light slowly fade into orange, then into red and violet and then back again. She didn't know if it was the lighting or some kind of technology or just the completely worn out state of her body but watching it was very soothing indeed. Soon her eyes were half closed and she was ready to drift into sleep.

It was nearly straining her beyond her limits to sit up again and take off the light suit of armor she had been wearing. Her arms and legs felt like they were leaden. After she had finally made it out of the black armor, she tossed it aside and only slid under the blankets. She rolled on her side, pulling on leg half way up to her body, stretching the other just a bit sideways so that her legs were almost forming a triangle. She put one arm over the blankets and then pulled it into a hug. The soft fabric brushed against her chin and at this moment she didn't want to care about anything anymore.

Work could wait – at least for a few hours. She had to gather energy now... had to regain her strength to go on.

_How could you? Cerberus? I loved you! _

She rushed out of her sleep again. Her hair was clinging to her damp face and her heart was racing in her chest.

"Not again." she whispered, rubbing her hands over her face. She rolled over on her stomach and searched for the omni tool that had to be somewhere among the armor parts. After she found it , she sighed when she noticed the time.

"Another glorious four hours... crap." She slumped down closing her eyes again. She hated to admit it but Joker was right. Ever since Horizon she hadn't been sleeping well and ever since they had left the Citadel it had been even worse. What pissed her off the most was that their stop on the Citadel was intended to solve some of the problems and to bring her some peace. But things didn't go that well... not at all.

She turned onto her back, staring at the lights again, her brows furrowed. The rest of her body was cursing and yelling at her again that it didn't get as much sleep as it deserved and demanded.

"How about a relaxing bath?" she told her body. _Like that will help you sleep. It won't go away unless you finish it - no matter how shriveled you come out of that tub... _This time Shepard cursed that little voice in the back of her head.

"Maybe it won't shut you up but at least it'll silence the rest!" she said angrily to herself. Soliloquizing had always been a part of her, it made things so much at easier at times. Shepard ignored the ranting voice in the back of her head and rolled herself out of the bed. The sharp pain in her back ensured her that taking a bath was not a bad idea at all.

And so she made her way into the bathroom and inspected the bathtub. It was clean and large and only a moment later, hot water was beginning to fill it. Shepard took the time to go to the sink and wash her face. When she saw herself in the mirror, she was shocked. She had heard what Joker had said and she had known that she wasn't at her best but that she looked like a zombie from one of the old movies... that she had not been aware of.

_Maybe we should try drinking blood! _Her second voice giggled sarcastically.

"Very funny... " Shepard groaned when she moved closer to the mirror, inspecting the dark shadows under her eyes. When she realized that those shadows didn't go away no matter how and where she pulled and stretched the skin around her eyes, she gave up.

In the meantime, the tub was almost full and so she deactivated the water flow. She quickly stripped off the dark tank-top and her underwear and had a toe already in the water when she hesitated. An almost childish smile formed on her face and she quickly ran over to the other room and rummaged through the mini-bar. She wasn't absolutely sure what she had grabbed but it didn't have any warning label on it, so it should be save to drink.

She ran back to the bathroom, put the bottle next to the tub and then stepped slowly into the hot water. At first her body was screaming in pain. It was so worn out and tired that any stimulation was almost too much. After she had made it all the way in though, her body began to be accustomed to the temperature and then it started to relax almost immediately; especially after she added some oil to the water. Some minutes later her body was at peace. _Fine... maybe it'll help you to focus. _The voice murmured sleepily and Shepard had to smile.

"No snide remark now, huh? Good – remember your place." she said while she reached for the bottle. Asarian liqueur... hmm she always wanted to try that, she thought and opened the bottle. The scent was interesting and there was only a mild taste of alcohol under the rich taste of fruits and spices. It was delicious and she drank it in slow zips, while her toes splashed around in the water.

"Who needs sleep if you can have this?" she mumbled to herself. _Agreed!_ The voice responded and her body did the same by sending a relaxed shiver through her.


	4. A good read

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: __I was astounded to see so many hits on my stories and it surely improved my mood. If I could now get some more people to leave a quick note, also called review, I would be incredibly happy. Praise and productive criticism are both very valuable to me._

_This Chapter is relatively long but I just couldn't find an ideal spot to separate it.  
_

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

Chapter 4 - A good read

Shepard opened her eyes. She was still in the bathtub but the water was no longer hot. She looked around and noticed the empty bottle of Asarian liqueur on the ground. She didn't remember finishing it. She yawned and stretched.

It was the first time in weeks that her body did not complain - neither did that annoying voice in the back of her head. The downside of this was that she had no further excuse not get started with her work.

Stepping out of the tub, she found a soft towel and wrapped it around herself. She had to grin again – how long was it ago that she had been able to just run around in a towel? Five years? No... at least seven. It didn't matter how many times she was told that she had been dead meat for two years – for her those years just never happened. It really messed around with her personal history and understanding of time.

In the bedroom she searched her duffel bag and looked for some of the data-pads she had to go over. She didn't bother to put anything on yet. As long as she was working in her room, there was no need for clothing. After a quick at the omnitool, she noticed to her own surprise that the bath had taken up another two and a half hours. That could explain why she felt so good.

She threw herself on the bed again and began studying the information. There was some critical information on Cerberus – Aria might be interested in. There was also some data on old ships, former slaver bases and old industry buildings. Hmm... Shepard wasn't sure if that was really something for Aria. After all, the Asari had her seat here on Omega – why would she need coordinations on emptied slaver bases? 'Who knows.' Shepard crawled to the edge of the bed again and searched her bag for a metal case. It contained a nice collection of tech- and weapon-upgrades, improved omnitools and armor modifications. All of them were rare, a few prototypes. Shepard was hoping that those things would be useful in one way or another. It was not that they were broke, not at all actually, but she preferred to be prepared for the future. Besides, it wasn't all about the credits but also about information, names and favors. After she had taken inventory she closed the case again.

She sighed and came to a decision after gritting her teeth for a moment. She would ask for help. The crew and her team had all been picked for a reason. Maybe it was time to share a tiny bit of the burden.

"Gardner surely knows better how much food we need a week. Tali, Ken and Gabby know much more about the engine's need for fuel and energy. Mordin... well, he knows pretty much everything better anyway, so he could help out." She went through more names and realized that it was stupid to try and do everything herself. It was probably because she wanted to give them a stability, something to hold on to but maybe including them wasn't a bad thing to do.

After a quick glance at her omnitool, she knew that it was... evening – or so to speak. Shepard wondered if she had ever experienced anything like a day-cycle on Omega-Station... but she couldn't remember one. She smirked – well, a place like Omega wouldn't have much use for bright day-like light. Shady characters liked shady places.

All in all, it didn't really matter. Shepard was hungry and so she had decided to get dressed and get something to eat. Besides, she probably should go and see Aria. It was a formality but it had to be done – there was no need to get on anyone's bad side... anyone else's bad side.

The time it had taken her to check the data and the case had been long enough for her to dry off. She quickly searched through her back and got out fresh underwear, as well as a fresh tight shirt and shorts. She hated not wearing anything under the armor but too much didn't work either.

Only minutes later, she was fully dressed and just holstered her handgun. If this was a different situation, maybe she would actually go without armor... not without weapon but at least without armor. She missed being able to walk around in casual pants and shirt – or at least in BDUs but Omega wasn't exactly safe to begin with and she had made a few enemies during the last months.

"Another time." she told herself and put away the data-pads and the case.

* * *

The meeting with the Asari was much as she had expected. Though, besides the formalities, there had been more smalltalk than ever before. Aria had actually been genuinely curious about her situation and in exchange for some information, she had offered to keep an eye and ear open for... possibilities and news. It was more than Shepard had hoped for.

She left the Afterlife and headed over to the markets to get some food. On her way she noticed a small group of her crew and raised her hand in greeting. Some of them saluted, others just waved – either was fine for her. After all, they were... free. Saying those words, even if it was just in her head, still caused a shiver to run down her back.

Not much later she had found what she was looking for and inspired by Gardner's cooking, she had ordered some Asarian food. As always she made sure that she could eat it before she dug in. It was... different, in consistency and taste but she could get used to it.

"Ah, expanding your culinary horizon?" A familiar voice said and Shepard looked up, trying to wipe the sauce from the corner of her mouth.

"Had much experience in this matter, Dr.?" she responded and the older woman smiled and nodded.

"Have a seat." Shepard offered her and Dr. Chakwas followed her invitation.

"I was surprised to see you eat at all." She said and Shepard looked up and shrugged. There wasn't much more she could do with her mouth full of food. "I understand that this situation must be very difficult for you but that makes it even more important that you take care of yourself." she added and Shepard finished chewing and swallowed her food.

"I am trying, but... sometimes it's not that simple. But don't worry, I'll make sure to be capable of taking care of the crew."

"Of that I have no doubt." She seemed to scan Shepard. "But, some sleep and food won't solve problems of the heart." Her voice was firm but friendly.

The Commander only stared at her, speechless and that was a rare thing.

"Oh c'mon, Commander, did you really think I hadn't noticed?I already knew on the good old original Normandy!" Shepard bit her bottom-lip. She should have expected this.

"How about you just give it a try? Tell me what happened on the Citadel. If you don't feel better after telling me, I will leave it alone in the future." Shepard felt trapped and tried one more time to get away from this.

"What makes you think anything happened on the Citadel?" she shoveled another spoon full of spicy food into her mouth.

"Commander, I have seen my share of relationships – my own and that of others. I have probably seen more of them because people tend to do very stupid things when they are heartbroken." Chakwas said. Shepard wanted to protest but the food kept her from making any coherent comments. The gray haired woman laughed lowly.

"You didn't sleep, you didn't eat and you tried to tackle all problems on your own. Forgive me for saying this but that was a stupid thing to do." Again, Shepard tried to say something but half way she stopped and gave up.

"When you stormed on board, ignoring everyone... yes that indicated that something was going on. I knew that expression on your face. I have seen it many times."

When Shepard had finished her bite, she had come to the conclusion that Dr. Chakwas would not let things go. And then she thought about Joker's comment... maybe it really was time.

* * *

She had stopped at Anderson's office first. She had contacted him to avoid having to face the rest of the Council.

"Shepard... what's going on? We heard about a dozen stories, each one more wondrous than the other."

"Well, half of it is probably true, half of it is not. I don't have time to give you details but this" and she handed him a data-pad "should do the job." He eyed her intensely.

"What is this?" She smiled wearily.

"It's... a summary of a few things we have done and encountered." At that moment she was unable to figure out what he was thinking.

"Sir, before I leave, I would like to ask you for a personal favor." He was cautious but she didn't care anymore. "Try to keep Alenko away from... special missions."

He looked at her and she knew that he knew. Both, Kaidan and herself had known Anderson long before their very first mission on the Normandy-SR1. She used to be pretty good at reading him but ever since he had joined the Council, he had improved his pokerface. In a way she had lost a good friend when he became Councilor.

"Anyway, read the reports and decide what you want to do about it." She turned around and started walking. At the door she paused for a moment "I am sure we'll be in contact again eventually – one way or another." She saw him nod before she left.

She felt sick... or something similar to that. Her stomach was twisted in knots, suffocating all the butterflies she had felt before. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all... maybe she should just get back to the ship. Eventually, Anderson would tell him. She hesitated... well, or maybe he won't. The last time he could have spilled some information, he threw Alenko and Shepard into the cold water. She had still not forgiven him for that. She chewed on her lips and made her way through the Presidium and down the lower Wards.

She had been surprised to find out that the Alliance military had opened a small post on the Citadel, but it made more sense when she found out that it was being used for intel gathering and coordination of troops and ships.

Oh Goddess, she just wanted to throw up but she forced herself to walk to the entrance of the alliance premises.

"Here we go!" She mumbled to herself before you opened the door and walked through. Some sort of secretary was looking up to her and smiling.

"Can I help you ma'am?" Deep inside, Shepard had to grin. It was refreshing to not be recognized right away.

"Yes, you can. I need to speak to Staff Commander Alenko." The young woman looked intensely at her.

"In what matter, if I may ask?" Shepard just raised the data-pad.

"I have some sensitive information for him. I am sorry but I can't say any more than that." Her view suddenly caught a movement at the side of the room. A door had opened for a soldier who left and in the far back of the room she saw him. He hadn't taken notice of her yet but her heart jumped nonetheless.

"Oh my God, you are Commander Shepard... I... I am sorry I didn't recognize you." the Sergeant suddenly stuttered and called Shepard back to what was happening. She smiled wearily. 'Great. This ID scanning everywhere is getting really annoying...' she thought.

"No harm done, don't worry about it. Now, if you don't mind, I'll just quickly deliver this to Commander Alenko." The young woman only nodded, her eyes still wide open. If Shepard had been in any different situation, she would have been amused by the expression on the Sergeant's face but instead she felt even sicker. There was no turning back now.

She turned around and walked through the door. She expected everyone to hear her heart pounding in her chest – especially since it got worse with every step. She was aware that some people had started to stare at her and some had probably even recognized her. That some had begun to whisper was an indicator for it but it was not loud enough for him to notice. She had almost reached him when he finally followed the view of the soldier he was trying to talk to. His face was surprised – shocked even but then it turned to stone. A lot had happened between them and neither one had quite forgiven the other.

"Hi." Shepard almost whispered while her hands were clawing at her pants. She was in her early teenage years again, about to tell her first crush that she liked him.

"What are you doing here and what do you want?" BAM!... his voice was cold and killed the butterflies in her stomach instantly. But she swallowed them down. She quickly built a dam to keep her feelings at bay. She wouldn't let her anger get the best of her.

"I was wondering if we could talk for a moment." she responded. She could feel the eyes of every soldier in the room on her and it started to irritate her.

"You mean the same moment it would have taken you to respond to my message?" BAM! He crossed his arms. _It seems that Kaidan has not only reconstructed the wall around him after we died, but he has reinforced it as well_. Silently Shepard cursed at the voice again.

"You are right, I deserved that one. The situation was... complicated and I know it's not an excuse." She wanted to get to a level where they could talk but he surely didn't make it easy.

"Complicated?" he said with disbelief. "Shepard, when you joined up with Cerberus you should have seen that coming."

"I did not join Cerberus!" She responded aloud. Her anger had found a little hole in the dam.

"Really?" he cocked an eyebrow and looked at her. Suddenly Shepard wanted to slap her forehead. Why in the world, had she decided to come here in casuals... why did she not put on her armor? The black and white clothes had several Cerberus logos on it. How stupid could she have been. She sighed in defeat.

She wanted to tell him so many things, tell him how much she missed him, how much she would have wanted him at her side but her pride wouldn't allow it and it was probably the same for him.

"Great, the idea of coming here unarmored as sign of trust... just went to hell." she tried to put on a humorous voice but he ignored it and kept his brown eyes fixed on her.

"If you didn't join them, then you won't mind explaining to me why nearly all reports we have received on Cerberus activity in the last weeks had your name in the same sentence." BAM! She understood that he was angry. Her behavior on Horizon had been horrible and the fact that she had just not found the right way to respond to his message had not improved things either.

"There were situations when I had to work with them." She paused and thought for a moment. "The fact that we tried to save colonies and fought the Collectors doesn't mean anything to you?" She didn't like to go down that path, she was afraid that it sounded like bragging and that was not the intention.

"I am still not convinced that Cerberus didn't have their fingers in all of that." he responded and she stared at him with wide-open eyes. The dam started to become brittle.

"You really think that I would have aided anyone in kidnapping colonists?" She couldn't believe what he was implying.

"Two and a half years ago, I wouldn't have believed anyone telling me that you would join Cerberus." BAM! Damn... he was pig-headed.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I didn't join them. I had to work with them but I was never part of Cerberus."

"That Ship of yours is Cerberus. That crew of yours is Cerberus. What makes you different?" BAM! His words cut right through her and so she hadn't even realized what happened. She only heard the echo of a slap.

She had slapped him – actually slapped him in the face. Her hand was shaking and she could feel the heat in her face. It was a part embarrassment, part anger and part regret. The anger won in the end.

"How dare you?" She stared at him. He hadn't done anything to stop her even though he probably could have. "You think you know everything, sitting on that high horse of yours." She was pressing the air through her lips. It had been a while since she had been so furious. "You think I joined the enemy? You think I gave up everything I believed in? You think I betrayed you? Well fuck you! If you don't want to listen, then it doesn't matter what I have to say." Had she just told him 'fuck you'? She almost regretted it that instant but her rage just wouldn't let her, it wouldn't let her apologize.

"But maybe it'll make you feel better to know that I am responsible for much more than working with Cerberus for a while. If your lucky, that'll bite me in the ass soon enough and I doubt that anyone will be willing to rebuild me again." She wasn't fair and she knew it. No matter what he had said, she knew that he had suffered when she had died. But the anger-beast had broken away from the leash and was unstoppable now.

"And since you are so profoundly convinced by the power of your reports... here you go." she threw the data-pad on the desk in front of him

"It's a good read." She looked at him once more and beneath those dark eyes of his, she could see that she had finally reached something inside of him. At the same time she knew that any decent talk had just been ruined by her outbreak.

"For fuck's sake" she cursed while she turned around and stormed out. When she had left the premises and was already on her way to the docking bay, she was still cursing. 'For fuck's sake... why did I let the anger win again?'

* * *

"I actually wanted to sort things out with him but now... I am not sure if it fixable." Shepard said in a low voice. Whatever energy she had felt when she woke up was gone.

"He seems to think that I forgot about all those horrible things Cerberus did. I might not remember anything of the last two years but I remember what they did to Admiral Kahoku and his men. I remember their experiments... and I remember what they did to Toombs and my unit." She just realized that she was playing around with the knife from the cutlery.

"It must be difficult for both of you. For you, the two years never happened and I can only guess that it confuses you at times." Chakwas said and Shepard nodded. "You woke up and suddenly everything has changed. You are surrounded by people you don't know or you don't trust and at the same time, they are the only ones who will listen to you. A difficult situation indeed" She nodded again.

"As for Cerberus, I know you well enough that I do not doubt your motivations, Shepard. I have trusted you since the first day and you have yet to disappoint me. I also know that Cerberus was the means to an end." Her gray eyes saw right through her mask and for some reason, the Commander didn't feel bothered by it.

"But as much as I understand you, I also understand him. After all, I was alive during your two years and I know what it felt like. You had an immense impact on us as a person, as well as a commanding officer." Chakwas' view now shifted away and scanned the passing crowd. "Kaidan Alenko is not the type that will trust easily and when he was told you were dead, something crumbled inside of him. I witnessed how he took those broken pieces and built up a protective ward around himself. He was functioning but... he was not the same anymore." Shepard's heart felt heavy. She had thought as much but to hear it from someone else she trusted and who had witnessed it... was difficult.

"I won't lie to you, when I first heard of you and Cerberus, I thought it was bad joke. That was until I heard about the circumstances and that was the moment I contacted them. But to those that know you and don't know the whole story, it must have been like night turning to day. You and Cerberus just don't go well together and that is why I am very grateful for your decision. The Illusive Man is not to be trusted." Shepard nodded in silence. He had proven that all over again on the Collector Base.

"Now, if I may ask, what was that data you left with the Staff Commander?"

"Compromising Data on Cerberus; reports, visual recordings, pictures of various missions and some medical data on my... reconstruction." A knowing smile formed on Chakwas face.

"That might just do the trick. It will probably shock him to see the medical data but at least he'll see that you were in no condition to fight Cerberus at that time." Shepard swallowed hard.

"Maybe... but I didn't mean to hurt him any more. Maybe that wasn't a good idea." The elder woman laughed wholeheartedly.

"Commander, believe me when I speak out of experience: he'll prefer knowing. It'll answer questions for him."

Shepard sighed and stared at the table that was now clearly bearing cuts from her knife-play. Dr. Chakwas got up and rested a warm hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry Commander, the pieces will eventually fall into place." and with that, she left. For a moment Shepard was confused and unsure how to feel about it. But then she had to grin... a tiny spot of silvery hope had nested in her head. 'Damn you, doc, eventually I'll have to pay you for Kelly's job as well.'


	5. Message received

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Thanks a lot for reading and sticking with me. I'll do my best to not disappoint... too much :)_

_I also have to thank Jilly and Jo for the great support on this Chapter. Couldn't have done it without your two!_

_KAAS (plus the thread of course) has been a great inspiration!_

_

* * *

_

He was incapable of moving. His cheek was still stinging. All eyes were on him, he could feel them. What just happened?

It felt like slow motion when he was eventually able to turn his head again. He shifted his view to the desk next to him, while trying to avoid looking at everyone else. When she had thrown the data-pad it had toppled papers and other pads, leaving the work station in a mess. He slowly reached out his arm and closed his fingers around her farewell-present.

Had she actually said 'fuck you'?

"Commander?" The voice of Corporal Kinley seemed to be far away. "Commander Alenko, are you alright?"

"You have your orders, Corporal. Why don't you continue your work and contact Captain Bennot? Inform him of his new route?" Kaidan responded in a monotone voice. The young man nodded nervously and quickly looked away to continue his work. It seemed as if it had been hint enough for everyone else in the room. They stopped staring at him and returned to their duties. He was aware that they would continue to throw secret glances in his direction, but right now he didn't care.

Still without looking at anyone, he turned around and made his way into the small office at the end of the room. As he closed the door, he leaned against it, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He was trying to figure out if this was a step deeper into his nightmare, or the first sign of a wake-up call. He rubbed his free hand over his face... this seemed so surreal. Had she really slapped him? The light stinging under his fingers told him that he had not imagined it. She certainly hadn't held back.

Kaidan looked down at the data-pad and a wave of adrenaline rushed through him. He had no idea what was awaiting him. It was certainly not useless information and nothing personal either. 'A good read'. Considering how she had said it... he wasn't expecting anything delightful.

He moved away from the door and slowly moved towards the seat and fell into it. He had rarely seen her so angry. The last time that she had been so furious, the Council had just informed her that the Reaper threat had been dismissed. It was later that same day when they had received the orders to find and eliminate the remaining Geth forces. There was an uncontrolled flicker in the corners of his mouth. That day he had seen veteran soldiers blush as she had cursed her way through the ship.

*Beep-beep* What the...? He looked up from the data-pad in his hands.

*Beep-beep* He suddenly realized that someone was trying to contact him. He activated the comm-channel.

"Yes?" he had overcome his shock from earlier but instead he was tense. He wanted to look at the information Shepard had given him, and yet at the same time he was... he was scared of what he could find.

"Sir, your meeting with the newly arrived staff will start in fifteen. You wanted me to remind you." It was Sergeant Miller from the front desk.

"Ah yes, thank you, Sergeant. I'll be on my way in a few." How in the world was he supposed to concentrate on that meeting?

"I've prepared the dossiers you requested, sir." Was he actually hearing curiosity in her voice or was he just paranoid?

"Thanks, I'll get them on my way out. That'll be all."

"Aye, Commander." She responded briefly and then cut the channel. His eyes moved down to the pad again. Should he have a peek at it? No... he knew himself and he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop once he started. After more than two years, after hearing that she was with Cerberus, after her unbelievable behavior on Horizon... she still had so much control over him. As a matter of fact, she was one of the very few people who could ruin his self-control in such a way. He was still trying to figure out just how much he hated it. Losing control had always led to disaster – always; until... He shook his head to get rid of the thought. There was no time for it now.

The data-pad felt so heavy in his pocket. Knowing that it would be hours before he could look at it began to gnaw at his patience.

When he was on his way out, he could feel the eyes of everyone on him again. They wouldn't dare to say anything to his face, he knew that. And so he acted like nothing happened... it really wasn't different from his usual behavior. Over the last years he had perfected his acting and his mask and only a handful of things could get through to him and get him to show the real him.

"Does Captain Bennot have the new coordinates?" He didn't even have to look at the Corporal and it only took the ambitious young man a second to respond.

"Yes, sir. He was not too pleased; said that it would delay them by several hours."

"I'd rather see him arrive late than not at all, Corporal." Kaidan almost froze. That was a comment he would have made on the Normandy but not here.

"I'm sure he prefers that as well, sir." the young soldier answered. A tiny smile formed on the Commander's face – that was something she would have said.

"Carry on, Corporal."

"Yes, sir."

Kaidan left for the entrance and stopped at the front desk.

"Here are your dossiers, sir," Sergeant Miller said and pushed a small stack of files in his direction. He took them and nodded at her.

"Where were they sent to this time?"

"One moment... to 507, sir." she informed him. Kaidan nodded; that was one of the rooms in the C-Sec area. They had been able to come to an agreement with the Citadel security and so they could use some of the rooms for meetings, debriefings and the likes.

"I'll be on my way. Enjoy your evening, Sergeant." She swiftly rose from her seat and they saluted before Kaidan walked out of the door.

* * *

He didn't remember much of the meeting. The C-Sec officer had done most of the talking and had instructed the new recruits on the 'Do's and Dont's' on the Citadel. Kaidan had merely answered a few questions and had asked one himself every now and then. But that was about it. He just remembered that those three hours felt like an entire day. Time could be such a bitch.

Once it was over, he had returned to his small apartment right away. He didn't even care to change into something more casual. Instead he went into his small kitchen area and got himself a beer. He had bought a six-pack some weeks ago and there were still four of them left. But right now... right now it felt like the perfect time to drink one.

With the bottle in one hand and the data-pad in the other, he made his way to his desk and fell into the chair. It only took a moment to connect the pad with his console and then he saw the list of folders on his screen. Several caught his attention right away, like 'Cerberus', 'Missions' and 'Crew'. His instinct told him to read through the Cerberus folder first but for some reason he hesitated. He worried that he might not have the strength or the heart to look through the other files. What if he found something that horrified him, something that made all his nightmares come true? No, it was best to start with something else.

The 'Crew' folder seemed harmless... maybe that was a good place to start.

Once he opened it, he found a long list of names. He scanned them and the first time he paused was when he recognized a name. Chakwas... Kaidan shook his head in disbelief. Hadn't she said that there was something special about working on soldiers and that she could never abandon them? Why the hell was she with Cerberus? There had to be an answer in these lists and files and videos and what not. But first things first. Donnelly, Kenneth... that rang a bell. He opened the file and after seeing the picture he remembered this guy. He had been at one of the memorials for Shepard and had nearly been arrested by the MPs because of his very... vocal opinion. He had been an Alliance soldier back then and hadn't he voiced his support of Shepard and his anger about the things being said about her? It dampened Kaidan's mood when he recognized a few more names of former soldiers. Why would all of those people join a pro-human terrorist organization?

Moreau, Jeff... he was speechless. If anything, reading this name reminded him of meeting Shepard again – he was glad to see him, but angry at the circumstances. Joker had become a close friend to Kaidan while they had served on the old Normandy and it had been difficult to see him leave.

The last time he had spoken with the pilot they had been yelling at each other, had been fighting like an old married couple. Joker didn't have the heart to put up with the destruction of Shepard's image and he had not understood why Kaidan remained loyal to the Alliance. Additionally, the military had grounded Joker and there was no sign that this would change any time soon. Not a day later, Joker had resigned.

His really didn't know how to react to seeing this name on the list. He hated to see another friend lost to Cerberus but on the other hand... at least Shepard had the best damn pilot available. His eyes rested on the name for a few more moments before he continued reading.

He recognized names he had heard before, at least in direct connection to Cerberus. Miranda Lawson, Jacob Taylor... the latter also a former soldier. The information in their files wasn't much more detailed than the ones he had read before. Seeing them still on the ship bothered him, though. Shepard was good at gathering people, she was also good at making random people into a team but was she really able to change someone so drastically? Would she be able to tell Cerberus agents to no longer be Cerberus? He doubted it.

His eyes continued down the list

"Wha..." he said with surprise when he stumbled over two more names. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy... the Normandy part was new to him but he was still certain that it was the same Quarian. And then... another familiar name struck him... struck him hard: Vakarian, Garrus. He remembered the Turian well... they had become comrades, even friends. But when Shepard had died, Garrus had disappeared soon after and there had been no contact between them. He had wondered quite a few times what had become of the Turian. In a way... Cerberus' methods to act without being held back by regs seemed to fit the former C-Sec officer. Yet - Garrus still did have a sense of justice... why was he in a pro-human terrorist group?

He paused and gathered all the new information again but it still left some questions open. Garrus and Tali were aliens, so why were they on a Cerberus vessel? Maybe they were there because of their past... maybe Shepard had been able to convince them. That could explain things... but there were a few more names that didn't sound human. Kaidan had been working with different species for some time now and he had started to get a feeling for names. He looked through the list again and indeed... Urdnot! Wrex? No... he open the file and found the picture of a Krogan. It was no Wrex but a 'Grunt'. Odd name... even for a Krogan.

"Ok... but Krogans are skilled warriors and mercs. There have been pro-human politicians who had hired Korgans as bodyguards." He rubbed his face – this could be explained.

Krios, Samara, Solus... and Legion.

"WHAT?" he almost yelled when he looked at the last dossiers and jumped from his chair. Not only did he have to realize that there were more aliens on the Cerberus ship... but

"A GETH?" he stared at the picture... this was...no, this had to be a mistake. He rubbed his eyes, walked a few steps and drank half of his beer. He then walked back to the desk and looked at the picture again...

"No, she does not have a Geth. No way!" he convinced himself. Suddenly he laughed. This had to be a joke. She was trying to get to him. Maybe it was payback for the things he had said to her. Not even Shepard would recruit a Geth... not after everything that had happened. Besides... Tali would not have it. He was sure of that.

A moment later he was almost angry at himself... for letting Shepard fool him so. He continued his pacing for a while, trying to calm himself. But in the end his curiosity got the better of him.

It was time to have a closer look at Cerberus, to get a better idea about that entire organization.

And so he found out that Cerberus was basically led by one person, the Illusive Man, TIM for short. He found out that there were different cells operating, most of them ignorant of the others. The fact that most didn't worry much about ethics, as long as it could advance humanity or bring in credits, didn't come as surprise but he was shocked when he saw the estimated number of former Alliance soldiers within their ranks. The trend he had discovered in the crew-list continued on a greater scale. On the other hand, a lot of former soldiers joined privately funded merc groups or station securities. Still, those groups were not Cerberus, were not terrorists!

There were also information on some of the benefactors, as well as some bases of operation, shut down facilities, ongoing projects and what not.

It was as he had suspected: experiments on humans and aliens alike, unethical genetic research, tests with unfinished or unknown substances... a shudder ran down his back when he remembered the Thorian creepers they had found in Cerberus facilities. Not much had changed in that department.

Then his eyes fell on a separated folder: Project L. When he had accessed it, he found dozens of pictures and medical files as well as audios files. The pictures labeled 'Phase 1' showed rough terrain, strange textures...

"_Test-subject has been recovered..."_ What?

He rubbed his eyes and looked again. This wasn't terrain... and slowly he began to understand what he was looking at.

During his regular training as well as his medical training, he had seen pictures of human bodies that had been exposed to the extreme conditions of space. In both situations those pictures had been shown to them as warning. It was meant to make them aware of the damages and injuries that could happen due to carelessness. The officers had hammered it into their brains that some additional minutes to double check their suits and environments and to secure the ships and transporters was very much worth it. It had certainly worked for him. Even now that he had been on many different spaceships and stations, had walked on uninhabitable planets he still always double-checked his suit.

But that didn't change the fact that these images were of a body that had suffered severely. He started the audio file.

"_Test-subject has been recovered but the damage is far worse than we initially feared. In addition to the expected burns and internal injuries from the explosion, subject has suffered significant cellular breakdown due to longterm exposure to vacuum and subzero temperatures. Despite the extent of the physical trauma, Wilson assures me subject is salvageable. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned."_

After a while he was able to make out certain parts. There were pictures of an immensely damaged torso; broken, dried hands; brittle femurs and a deteriorated cranium. What the hell was that? There was no name, no date no nothing on these pictures. Why had she included these images?

The next folder contained images of the reconstruction of the skeleton. They depicted the installation of small metal plates which mended fractures, supported and strengthened the bones. Then there were pictures of dead organs – gray, shriveled and dry. The follow-ups began to show the process of reviving organs, some showed... fresh organs. They almost looked like newly grown ones. He started the audio files.

"_Progress is slow but subject shows signs of recovery. Major organs are again functional and there are signs of rudimentary neurological activity. In an effort to accelerate the process we've moved from simple organic reconstruction of the subject to bio-synthetic fusion. Initial results show promise."_

It made sense and for a moment he leaned back. Looking at the amazing procedures as well as the progress... this must have cost a fortune. There was strange sensation in his stomach and he hesitated to open the folder on the next phase. A thought had begun to crawl up his spine.

'No... this can't be...' he whispered into the empty room while a thin film of sweat formed on his skin. It took him minutes before he could open the next folder on the list.

The different pictures showed that the body had recovered a great deal. The circulatory system had been restored, muscle fibers had grown or been implemented, most fractures were healed but the metal plates remained. There were a few pictures that began to turn his stomach. They were not x-rays or internal pictures but showed an arm and part of the torso. It looked like the body had been dipped into a heavy white lotion or cream. The skin was white and looked... not completely solid. That image could have come from a dream just as well – it was simply surreal.

His hand was clearly shaking and he couldn't deny that he was... scared to listen to the next audio. He had started to realize what he had been looking at but his mind and body had no idea how to react to these information. Eventually though... he played the file.

"_The Lazarus Project is about to enter the final phase. It has taken nearly two years but we did it. Commander Shepard is alive. This is the most amazing medical achievement in history."_

Without noticing, he had moved his hand over his mouth, his eyes wide open. He looked at the pictures again... the very first and then the latter.

He had thought about what might have happened to her after the explosion. It was macabre to say it – but until now he had been hoping that she had either died quickly in the explosion or with little pain when she had ran out of oxygen. The pictures and the data however showed that her suit had been ruptured. She had suffocated while her body slowly froze. It must have been a horrible death.

His eyes were burning – he had not felt that since they had told him she was dead. He rarely ever cried... whenever he did he had the feeling he would lose control and that was something he could barely handle.

There was one last folder... one last step. He was breathing fast... and by now his entire body was shaking. He wanted to know what her message was... but he was afraid of it too. They could show complications or suffering... or how she sided with Cerberus. He wasn't sure if he could handle it... and yet, he couldn't stop.

The images showed a fully reconstructed body. He could easily recognize her on the last pictures. Her skin was no longer a strange white mass. It was the same pale color he remembered and only a few spots on her body were not completely closed. A wound on her side was still healing, so were parts of her face. But it was good enough – she looked like herself again.

Suddenly he remembered what he had said on Horizon. He didn't have any idea back then what had really happened to her. A reconstruction like this had never happened before... it was unthinkable at that time. Instead he had been angry and hurt that she disappeared and didn't even tell him about her reasons. Of course he had registered when she said that she had been dead, but he thought that it had been a different scenario.

Cerberus picking her up shortly after the explosion and simply reanimating her – that was what had crossed his mind but never had he thought of this.

"Of course I would have contacted you... if I had been able to." It had sounded so shallow to him – just some phrase.

He stared for a long moment at the very last audio file but in the end he overcame his fear.

"_Physical reconstruction of subject __is __complete but we still need to evaluate all mental and neurological functions. Our orders were clear: make Commander Shepard who she was before the explosion – the same mind, the same morals, the same personality. If we alter her identity in any way, if she's somehow not the woman she used to be, the Lazarus Project will have failed." _He swallowed hard.

He didn't have the strength to look at the 'Missions' folder. He began to understand why she had left this material with him. He began to see why she had been so angry. He had done the same thing as the Council had done before. He had heard what she had said but he had not listened. He had not believed what she had told him, he was too wrapped up in his own ideas and fears.

He leaned back, allowing his head to rest on top of the chairback. He wished she could hear him when he spoke into the empty room:

'Message received.'


	6. Natural

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Thanks a lot for reading and sticking with me. I appreciate every single person reading and even more every review. It helps me to improve.  
_

_Great help from Jo and Shenzi. Many thanks!  
_

_KAAS (plus the thread of course) has been a great inspiration!_

_

* * *

_

"Emily Wong"

"Emily, this is Sayen Shepard..."

"Oh my God... it really is you. How... why didn't you stop by when you were on the Citadel?" Shepard sighed... she had forgotten how energetic the young reporter was.

"I am sorry, I had important busin..."

"It's alright, I won't ask. I don't plan to end with a broken nose."

"Oh, you heard about that..." Shepard could feel the heat of a blush rising to her cheek. On the one hand, it had brought her incredible satisfaction to smack that woman; on the other hand, she was annoyed she had lost control.

"Heard about it? It was the number one topic for days. I personally was quite amused by it. I never did like that bitch." There was a moment when both women didn't quite know what to say, but then the Commander resumed the conversation.

"Well, I'm glad I didn't beat up a friend of yours, but I need your help."

"Wait... **you** need **my** help?" There was a genuine surprise in her voice, Shepard could tell. So far the reporter had always asked for help herself.

"Yes. That's what I said."

"I am listening."

"I need you to keep your ears open. I know you get around and you have a radar for hot news." It was true. Emily Wong had a good sense for big stories and Shepard hoped it would turn out useful.

"Wow you really think so?" the other woman asked with a little tremble in her voice. 'Don't start crying on me now, Emily.' Shepard thought before she continued.

"I do. And that's why I not only need your help but I also need to warn you. If you decide to help me, you have to be very careful. There are some powerful people behind that information and I don't want you to put your neck on a public scaffold."

"Which means, if I hear of whatever you are looking for, I can't publish it?" There was disappointment in her voice but also excitement.

"Exactly."

"Hmm..." the reporter said and for a moment Shepard was sure that she would decline.

"Emily – I'll compensate you. I know you have to make a living. But if you publish those things at the wrong time or speak to the wrong people, your life will be in danger." The Commander wondered if that really had made things better or worse. But then again, she wanted to be honest with her new informants. She herself was sick of being kept in the dark, so she wanted to do better.

"It has something to do with the things you said two years ago, doesn't it?"

"Yes." The fact that Wong had realized it that quickly just proved that her quick wits could be useful. Now she only had to agree...

"Tell me what you need." In the back of her head the little voice yelled '_YES!_'

"Cerberus and Reapers are the most important keywords. If you hear anyone talking about them, no matter how abstruse, tell me. I need to know who is talking about it and what they're saying. Also, if you hear any news on massive fleet movements or Spectres, let me know."

"This is really serious, isn't it? I can hear it in your voice." '_You have no idea_' the voice said but Shepard could keep enough control to not just say it like that.

"Yes, Emily, it is dead serious. I wouldn't endanger you if it wasn't."

"Shepard – when this over, I want an exclusive interview and don't you dare to talk to anyone else." For a moment the former Alliance soldier was startled but then she had to chuckle.

"You got yourself a deal, Ms. Wong."

"Good – just the thing I like to hear, Commander Shepard. How will I reach you?"

"I'll send you the necessary info. Thanks again." She checked the name Emily Wong on her list and made a note to send her the information.

"You're welcome. And Commander... be careful out there." Shepard had to bite her tongue not to tell the reporter that none of them would have to worry about anything anymore should they fail. But she controlled herself – there was no reason to scare her more than necessary.

It had been two days since she had spoken to the good doctor and she did feel better – lighter. The work that needed to be done was easier to accomplish; even though her talk hadn't really solved anything, she couldn't deny that it had given her some strength. That was all she could have hoped for at that moment, and so she had returned to her regular work. Shepard tortured her brain for hours to come up with a solid list of people who could have information for her – now or in the future.

She had made a few friends on her missions. Some people she had saved, others she had been able to help out. Of course there were also soldiers and superiors she had served with; some people who didn't think she was crazy. Of course there had been a lot of biting on granite too. In an odd way, Horizon had prepared her for this.

The hardest discussion she'd had, though, was that with Toombs. She knew how angry he had been and she feared that he was still not completely stable. But she had offered him information, had demanded that he check with some people to get a confirmation on her story. She even had had EDI search for information on Akuze and forwarded all the information they had discovered to Toombs. He had at least given her the benefit of the doubt and she was hoping that at some point he would also figure out the truth. She worried about him – he had been like a brother to her when they had served together. Seeing him and the others being killed or pulled under had nearly ripped her apart. It had haunted her for years and even now there were nights when she woke up from nightmares of teeth and sand. She couldn't deny that there had been days when she would have preferred to die along with them. Being the only one left... there was nobody who could relate to the things she had felt, heard, smelled and seen that night. The scent of those things had been sickening, and had quickly mixed with that of blood and urine. And then there were their screams mixing with the low sizzling sound of their flesh being slowly eaten away by the corrosive saliva of those abominations.

A shudder ran through her entire body. This was certainly not the time to think about that. He had listened to her, had not threatened to find and kill her again. It was a step forward and she wanted to keep her hopes up. Shepard stretched. She had forgotten what it felt like to be under minimum stress. She knew that she had to work to get her own information network started and expanded but at least she could do so without having a gun pointed at her or without a ship firing at the Normandy. It wasn't so bad after all and she wouldn't have to worry about finances any time soon. Besides the cash they had made by selling the loot and extra materials they had found, the slavers, mercs, smugglers and pirates tended to pay well quite well... after they had been disposed off, of course. It would help them to get going – especially since Shepard had decided they wouldn't turn their back on those problems – Reapers or no!

She checked the time on her omnitool. It was not long before the supplies would arrive at the docking bay. She rolled her head once to loosen up her neck a bit and then began to look for the boots. She suddenly had to snicker – this surely was the downside of a less organized life.

About ten minutes later, she had found everything she needed, including the boots and the small pad that had enough credits on it for the supplies. It was easier that way and she wouldn't have to use her own omnitool for the transfer. She zipped up her jacket and headed out of the hotel. There were only a few people in the lobby. None of them were part of her crew. She couldn't blame them – after all, she had called them together for a quick meeting later that day. She couldn't deny that she had felt bad about interrupting their little vacation but she wanted it out of the way.

While walking through Omega-Station, she realized that she was really missing the day-light from the Citadel or Illum or any other planet – even if some of it had been artificial. This constant twilight was beginning to get on her nerves – so was the smell. But it was only a few more days and then they'd be off this rock. While strolling down the street, she actually noticed the different stores for the first time.

"Hmm... I do need to buy a few things before we leave," was her mental note. She really did need a few things; she needed more food for the fish, and she also needed to upgrade in the clothing-department. To have a few extra shirts, some shorts and casual pants would be a nice change from the uniforms. Then there were also a few extra upgrades she needed to get, some more thermal clips and she had to find a weapon specialist that would have a look at the Cain. She had to admit that she didn't want Jacob or Garrus to tinker with that thing – especially not on her ship.

Speaking of her ship – when she turned around the next corner, her heart warmed to see the Normandy resting peacefully at the dock. Even if the SR-2 had been built by Cerberus, she had become Shepard's ship. It was good to see her in one piece again – the damages to the hull had been fixed, the Cerberus symbol was gone. Shepard activated a channel before she made her way to the maintenance office.

"Morning, EDI"

"Technically it is not morning, Commander." She had to chuckle... there was still a lot for the AI to learn – especially since EDI tended to learn from Joker.

"Well, for me it is. That has to be good enough. But enough about the time of day – or night. Give me a status report."

"The repairs of my hull have been completed by 100%. The hull has been welded and sealed, the armor plating has been added and fixated. The repairs of the cargo deck are at 73% and should be completed tomorrow. The gun-turret has been checked thoroughly and the new calibration is completed."

"Good, seems like we are finally getting somewhere. But if the repairs won't be done 'til tomorrow I need you to expand security measures to the cargo that will arrive."

"As you wish, Commander though some of the cargo has already been delivered to the dock." The AI responded.

"Hmm... that was fast. I'm sure we have Aria to thank for that. EDI, while I am busy, reactivate the access for the entire crew. We'll have a little meeting in a while." Shepard had to chuckle again, it would be embarrassing if she walked onto the Normandy and the rest of the crew was not able to follow.

"As you wish, Commander. Logging you out." and the connection was cut. It was good to do familiar work and so she spent the next hour and a half bargaining with the mechanics over the additional things that needed repair – supposedly. She knew how it worked and by the end of it, she had even included a new paint job in the pay – of course promising that they would come back for future repairs. Those Batarians drove a hard bargain but they also knew that having Shepard as a customer would improve their business.

With a grin, she made her way to the dock and even from afar she could now see the crates with supplies that had been piled up and secured tightly under sturdy tarp. However... there was something odd about the one pile. She couldn't quite make it out from the distance and so she moved closer to the Normandy.

Half way down she could see some of her crew members sitting on one of the crates.

"Ken, Gabby and Garrus? What are you doing here? The meeting isn't starting for another two hours."

While her two human crew-members got up and saluted, they could not keep up serious faces and Garrus, who had not saluted, looked like a beaten puppy. Shepard was very confused.

"Ok... what is going on here?" she asked cautiously. She wasn't necessarily expecting something bad – but something mischievous at the very least.

"Nothing, Commander" Ken said while he tried his best to control himself. It was to no avail and so he began giggling again and sat down, Gabby resting a hand on his shoulder while she shook with laughter. Shepard stood half amused and half confused between the three.

Eventually Gabby took a deep breath. It was so uncommon to see her lose control like this. She was always the more serious one – at least compared to Ken. The engineer wiped the tears from her face and tried to suppress another giggle.

"You know how the Cargo deck seemed a bit empty?" she asked, semi-serious. Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"Yeees... what about it?"

"Well... that...that won't be a problem any longer." Without warning she started giggling again.

"Garrus... would you please help me out here?" She had never heard such a desperate groan from him. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Did you know that... haha... that Garrus is quite a poker player – a natural!" Ken snorted as he held on to the crate. "I didn't think he had it in him... said it was his first game."

The Commander looked at the Turian again. "Don't tell me you got into trouble... or have debts or something. I can only spare so much, Garrus."

Ken and Gabby now almost fell off of the crate and this got Shepard to look at the strange cargo covered by the tarp.

"He... haha... he didn't lose, Commander," the engineers laughed simultaneously.

"Ok, so that's a good thing. Did you win something?" Garrus nodded and everything the poor Turian did just provoked further amusement in his comrades.

"I...on..s..a ko..." Shepard was confused. Whatever he had said was way too fast.

"Say again, please." They really were starting to test her patience.

"Iwonusamako," he said again and while it took a moment – she suddenly understood.

"You WHAT?" she almost yelled at him. By that time it was too late and the two human crew members lay on the floor laughing.

"I-don't-know-what-happened. I-was-told-Turians-tend-to-be-horrible-at-this-game-and-so-I-just-thought-I'd-be-social-and-join-Ken-and-Gabby-for-a-few-rounds-but-then-things-suddenly-turned-around-and-I-won-one-game-after-another-and-at-some-point-they-couldn't-pay-their-debts-anymore-and-so-they-offered-something-else-in-return-and-when-they-said-they-had-an-old-Mako-I-couldn't-resist-because-it-reminds-me-a-good-deal-of-the-good-old-times-and-since-the-cargo-bay-was-nearly-empty-I... "

Shepard stared at her old friend, completely speechless. If this was Garrus being emotional... it was overwhelming.

"So... let me guess... that thing under the tarp...?" She pointed past Ken and Gabby and Garrus only nodded and sighed in defeat. Shepard almost had to laugh. It was heart-softening to see a Turian with hanging mandibles.

She couldn't deny it – there had been times when she would have wanted to just blow the damn thing up, but then again, it had been a reliable protection against some of the attacks of the Thresher Maws and it had blasted some nice holes into Geth troops and slaver bases.

"Erm Garrus... do you expect me to use the Mako instead of the shuttle?" she then asked him. "You do remember that it was responsible for many bruises, broken ribs and... some good times." Seeing how the Commander gave him a crooked smile, the Turian felt relieved. For a while he had worried about her reaction. Back in the days, that damn Mako had caused nearly as much trouble as benefits. The targeting function of the gun-turret had been horrible to handle; the steering was... odd at best. And yet, those memories were dear him; it reminded him of the time when Shepard and her crew had rescued him from his fate. C-Sec had been a prison for him and they broke him free.

Just after Shepard had recruited him, they had been on their first mission. He, Shepard, and Alenko had been sitting in that godforsaken armored vehicle and suddenly there was that odd feeling of a free fall. Garrus had not realized back then that Joker had just dropped them out of the Normandy... far above the ground.

He couldn't help but let out a low laugh.

"You know, Shepard, I have never heard anyone saying 'oof' more often than in that damn Mako."

A moment later, Garrus and Shepard were laughing along with the two engineers. Well, this was certainly an interesting addition to their little collection of puzzle pieces of the past. While everyone else was still amused, Shepard looked at the Mako covered under the tarp. She couldn't blame her friend – she herself had very fond memories of that thing – especially when it had been the only good hiding spot on the Normandy. Maybe the interior was a bit cramped... but that had never bothered them.

"Alright chuckle-heads – that was all good and fun and I suggest we remember this for the future... if we should ever run low on credits." Garrus groaned almost painfully, which just send another giggle through everyone else.

She straightened up, though, when she heard a transport coming. Turning around, she realized that it was another batch of her ordered supplies.

"Where to?" the worker asked and Shepard quickly checked what it was – medical supplies.

"Just drop them right here; we'll take care of them," she answered and the Salarian nodded. The hovering load bed sank close to the ground and Shepard didn't hesitate to help push them down.

"There will be one more batch of this and then two or three with food. You might not want to leave those out here," the Salarian noted and almost pointed his head in the direction of the covered crates.

"That won't be a problem. We'll get them on the ship as soon as possible." To that the worker only nodded, returned the hovering transport to it's original distance above the ground and walked away.

"Well, congratulations everyone – since you are already here, you have just volunteered to carry supplies." Even the prospect of work during their days off couldn't ruin their moods. Garrus actually seemed grateful and started picking up boxes and carrying them onto the Normandy. Ken, Gabby and Shepard followed his example and despite some of the supplies being quite heavy – the mood was light and enjoyable.

At some point they realized that they had underestimated the amount of supplies that were still coming. When Shepard paused for a moment outside and wiped the sweat from her face, she noticed more of her crew arriving. She was about to complain to herself about the loading taking much longer than anticipated when she suddenly couldn't hold back the satisfied smile forming. The newcomers automatically started to pick up crates, getting them onto the Normandy. This was the kind of spirit she had hoped for and so they were done in no time.

Thirty minutes later, everyone was assembled in the mess. Shepard was glad to see them all in high spirits. They deserved it after all they had gone through.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thanks for getting here on a rather short notice. I promise I won't take much of your time. There are merely two things I would like to discuss with you, and since you are all valuable members of this crew, everyone's input should be heard." All eyes were directed at her and she suddenly realized that not being stared at was surely something she had enjoyed the last few days.

"As our beloved helmsman pointed out to me, we need new colors and a new logo, since we are no longer part of a large institution. To make it quick – I want opinions and ideas." She realized how unimportant or even ridiculous this must have sounded but she wanted it out of the way. Of course they could go without a logo – just leave it plain, but she wanted something to plaster the place where the Cerberus symbol had been. The crew was shuffling uncomfortably, nobody wanting to be the first to say something.

"A baby blue would do nicely for this room, no?" Joker said with that typical wide grin on his face. Shepard couldn't help but laugh out loud. Suddenly the entire crew was discussing and suggesting all sorts of colors – as long as it wasn't baby blue. 'Thanks Joker' she formed with her lips and when he noticed he grinned and shrugged.

"Commander" Dr. Chakwas started and Shepard pointed at her as as a sign for her to speak "I would like to suggest we simply combine the colors of Cerberus and the Alliance. After all both of them are partially responsible for what we are now, no matter our feelings towards them. If Cerberus hadn't been, you wouldn't be standing here – none of us would and if the Alliance hadn't been, you wouldn't have become who you are now." The rest of the crew had turned silent while they were listening to her.

"So blue, white and black" Garrus noted and Chakwas nodded. Only a few minutes later, they had come to agree on the good doctor's suggestion. Shepard liked it – combining two things that had shaped them and mold it into something new.

"Commander?" she heard her name and looked for the source. She had forgotten his name, but she remembered that she had met him a few times in the mess. "Will we be a single ship or will we start our own organization?" he wanted to know. She had to admit that she hadn't given it much of a thought. "I was just wondering, because if you truly want to recruit allies, wouldn't it be a good thing to unite them all under a single banner?" He had a point and, after she threw quick glances at her core team and saw them nod, she agreed.

"Very good point indeed. So if we decide on this – I suppose we need a name." She regretted saying that just a moment a later. Horrible word creation reached her ears, ranging from 'Saviors' to 'Cerberance' and 'Alliancerus'.

"Shepard, I have an idea." Joker looked at her and she was expecting the worst. "How about 'Last Hope'?" She did like it, but she also liked her coffee to have the color of mud, her fries with vinegar and lots of salt and wearing her military boots in her leisure time.

"Doesn't it sound a bit... dramatic?" she asked carefully. Ken shrugged his shoulders.

"But isn't it exactly what we are? I mean, if we don't succeed there will be nobody left to laugh about the name, right?"

And there it was. Shepard wasn't naïve, she knew that they were no full grown organization and probably would never be, but it gave them a certain identity – something to hold onto and something they could put in words. Letting her view wander over her crew, she could make out that they liked the idea.

"Well, I suppose it is decided then." She paused and a warm fuzzy feeling filled her. "I hereby announce the birth of 'Last Hope' – every single one of you being a founding member. None of this would have been possible without you. I salute you." And that she did. Her entire crew, and most of her core team followed her example – each one in their way.

Shortly after the decisions, she had dismissed her crew again. A few of them had decided to stay and with the help of Garrus, Mordin and Joker, they had designed a new symbol. A large L and H intertwined, surrounded by the words 'last hope' in the Asari, Krogan, Salarian and Turian writing. It looked interesting for sure – and it would look much better than the Cerberus logo. When everything was done, she stayed behind a while. She had asked EDI to create a list, so that Shepard knew how many uniforms of what size she had to order.

Things went quiet again in the empty Normandy and when Shepard had ensured she was the last one, she exited through the airlock.

"EDI – expand the security grid far enough so it covers our cargo... and our Mako."

"As you wish, Commander" The VI responded and Sayen noticed the beams of light scanning the cargo before the security protocol was executed.

Before she could leave, she went over to the vehicle again and while she circled it, she let her fingers run over it. "Good memories" she whispered.

* * *

They had just arrived in the Cargo hold and Garrus left the Mako. He turned around and looked at his two friends. Sitting in the back of the Mako, Shepard and Alenko were a bit pale and when he looked questioningly at them she just shook her head. "Go ahead, Garrus; we'll need a minute." The Turian shrugged and closed the door.

"Commander – is everything alright?" Joker asked.

"We're fine – just need a moment. This mission was... a bit difficult." she responded.

"Alright – just yell if you need anything."

"Will do Joker, will do." She shut off the comm link and leaned back.

"You big fat liar." Alenko suddenly said and laughter shook Shepard's body. "The mission was difficult?" He turned a bit so he was facing her. "We hacked two turrets, picked half a dozen locks and recovered a nice amount of credits. Would you mind telling me what was difficult about this mission?"

Shepard turned towards him as well. "And what would you call Garrus' driving?" She moved over a bit to reduce the distance between them.

"Hmm – you might have a point there," he smiled. It was that smile that made her heart jump. She reached out and ran her hand through his hair, moving closer while doing so. That small smile was still lingering on his lips when she brushed them with her own, her tongue cheekily playing with his upper lip. He allowed it but then he reached out and pulled her close, deepening the kiss. Without breaking the touch of their lips and the play of their tongues, he pulled her onto his lap while she ran her hands through his hair, down his neck and shoulders.

* * *

"Good memories" she whispered again – this time the words were accompanied by a sad smile before she could step away from Mako. But that was in the past now. There was still too much to do and she couldn't afford to linger in those memories. It was time to move forward.

As she turned her back on the ship and the Mako, she activated her omnitool and established a communication channel.

"Eddie Lang? This is Sayen Shepard."


	7. Two Regrets

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Thanks a lot for reading and sticking with me. I appreciate every single person reading and of course, every review helps to keep me motivated._

_This Chapter has been in my mind for quite a while. I apologize if it doesn't fit 100% into the story-flow. Yet I believe it fits in well enough and shouldn't throw the rest of the story off balance. If it seems a bit too dark for some of you - I'm sorry but my horrible mood demanded a tribute.  
_

_My thanks and hugs go to Sia and Jilly this time, for the a great amount of patience and the endless effort to seek out and destroy my typos and illogical thinking!_

_

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_

"Commander, we picked up a message on an Alliance channel – seems like an emergency." Joker informed her over the com channel.

"Hack it Joker, I am on my way." She stopped taking off her boots and instead fastened them again. "There just ain't no rest for the wicked," she mumbled to herself while she grabbed her heavy pistol on the way out. It didn't take long before she had reached the cockpit and waited for Joker to inform her.

"It seems like they have an emergency on the planet surface and they are requesting reinforcements immediately to protect the colony," the helmsman explained.

"Establish a channel for me." She demanded and turned around until she reached the weapons locker. When she heard the familiar sound indicating a live link from the transmitter she began to speak. "Alliance ground team – Commander Shepard here, we heard you are in tight spot. How can we help?" A moment of silence followed her transmission and she wondered if she should repeat it.

"Shepard of the Normandy?" a familiar voice asked over the channel and she froze.

"Yes, Alenko, it's me. What are you doing here?" She did her best to hide her surprise. There would be time to talk and reminisce later, she decided and he seemed to have done the same.

"There is a growing colony on this planet but they have one problem – they are depending on one major supply route – a tunnel that leads through the mountains. Seems they pissed off the wrong people – no idea if it is the corp that founded the colony, or mercs, or pirates or even slavers – but point is that someone set up plenty of charges throughout the tunnel." While she was listening to him she had started to make her way down to the Normandy's lower decks.

"How many charges?" Shepard asked while she raised her hand and signaled Tali and Garrus, who sat in the mess, to suit up.

"It's hard to say but the tunnel is almost two miles long and there seems to be a charge every couple of yards. Shepard – if this thing blows, the entire tunnel will come down and even the mountain might get a massive dent." His lowered voice told her that it was as bad as it sounded.

"What's the plan?" She asked while she holstered her two pistols and the shotgun.

"We started to defuse them from the northern entrance of the tunnel but we simply don't have enough men to finish all of them. You should know that something set a timer in motion – I think we have about an hour left before the things blow to hell and we are not yet half-way through." He sounded stressed and that worried her.

"Joker, we'll prep the shuttle - get us close to the southern entrance." She barked the command at the pilot and the fact that he didn't come up with a witty retort tensed her up even more. What he said next explained at least why he seemed to be worried.

"Aye aye, Commander, but you will have to be careful. There is not much room between to land the shuttle or anything else," he answered and Shepard swiftly made her way down to the cargo bay, Garrus and Tali following her.

"We'll be careful. And Joker, while we are down there, scan for sources, try to figure out where it comes from or at least how much time we have, if we can expand it or even stop the countdown."

"Yes ma'am." Joker confirmed her order.

"We're on our way, Kaidan." She then said in a voice much softer than she had wanted it to be.

The trip in the shuttle seemed to last forever but eventually they landed at the southern entrance of the tunnel. Joker was right – there was just enough space for an experienced pilot to land the shuttle. On the way down, they discussed their course of action. All three of them knew enough about tech and bombs that they could work on their own and thus cover more territory. They entered the tunnel as team however, finding the first charge and examining it and disarming together. If the rest of the charges should be similar, they all knew what to do and so they started the race against time.

"We're in the tunnel and are splitting up. Tali and Garrus have already started on the first charges, I am heading deeper in." She informed Alenko over the com while she jogged further down, leaving quite a few charges to her remaining team members.

"It's good to have you here, Shepard." He told her and she couldn't help but grin foolishly.

"Glad I can help." She answered and though the words didn't sound like much, he knew her voice and he knew that she was glad that she could work with him again – even in a situation like this. From there on, they only exchanged information on their progress.

To defuse the charges was not difficult but to remove them from the wall to do so was time consuming. At some point Joker contacted them.

"We can't find the source of the signal – whoever set it up masked it well. That or it was a one-way road, meaning that once it is set off, it can't be stopped. I think it's the latter and that means that all charges you don't disarm will go off – there is no stopping it. Commander – be careful." Shepard rubbed a hand over her sweaty face. This was not what she had hoped for.

"Thanks for the update, Joker. How much longer do we have?" They had worked well and gotten quite a ways from the southern entrance.

"Approximately seventeen more minutes. You really need to hurry up down there." Shepard nodded though she knew he wouldn't see it. Instead she addressed the next set of explosives and removed it from the wall. She couldn't remember how many charges she had disarmed when she suddenly noticed a moving light further down in the tunnel. It seemed that she was getting closer to Alenko's team – a good sign.

"Tali, Garrus – what's your status?" she wanted to know.

"We have four more charges before we reach your first. How about you? Do you need help?" Tali wanted to know. Shepard gazed ahead. The time the other two would need to actually get here wouldn't be enough.

"Stay where you are. There will not be enough time for you to get here and disarm the charges." She cut another cable and let go of the now harmless explosives, running to the next. The light was getting brighter and at some point she could hear steps. It didn't take long and she could make out a familiar silhouette working on the charge next to her.

"If this goes wrong... I wanted to see you at least once more." Kaidan said as he quickly looked at her. Shepard had to smile.

"Still the romantic, are you? Glad that hasn't changed." She ran to him, pressed a kiss on his cheek and ran on to the next attachment on the wall. Even now that she felt the butterflies in her stomach, she knew she had to stay focused.

"You're on the third last." He cut the cable and passed her, his hand running over her back as he did.

"Four more minutes, Commander – finish up whatever you were doing and get the hell out of there." Joker hated situations like this. All he could was warn them... and that never tended to do much good. Both of them continued their work and Shepard eventually passed Kaidan one last time to defuse the last charge. In the meantime Kaidan commanded his team to fall back.

"One minute... Shepard and Alenko get out of there!" Joker screamed at them but neither one of them moved. A few moments later he cut the last cable and ran over to her.

"Shepard, start moving, you won't make it in time!" Kaidan yelled at her.

"Just one more moment... I almost have it." She responded while she continued to fiddle with the explosives.

"No, you don't. Oh for crying out loud!" he shouted before he grabbed her arm and started pulling her away.

"9...8...7..." Joker counted down and eventually she gave in and turned with Kaidan, starting to run towards the end of the tunnel. She didn't hear Joker anymore, just the blood pounding in her ears as Kaidan dragged her further away. There was only the sound of their feet on the ground and their panting and then there was a booming noise, followed by a silence and then a ringing in her ears. She dropped to her knees and held on to her head, trying to keep her composure somehow. But while she knelt there, she realized that she should have felt the blast. When she opened her eyes to look around, she saw the flickering of a biotic barrier. She tried to get an overview and realized that parts of the tunnel had come down behind her and even ahead of her parts of the wall had shifted and cables and rebars had broken out of the concrete. Then it struck her – she couldn't see him anywhere.

"Kaidan? KAIDAN!" she yelled and ice cold hand of dread got a grip on her heart. Almost instantly she panicked. She turned around again – fearing that he might have been hit by one of the parts that had come down but she couldn't see anything.

"KAIDAN!" she screamed his name again but he didn't answer. She got up on shaky legs and stumbled forward. Why was he not inside the barrier? She looked to all sides, calling his name over and over again. Only when she had made a few yards she noticed something and it sent shivers down her back. "Kaidan..." she no longer screamed but whispered.

He lay on the ground, ahead of her – but something was horribly wrong. The explosion had catapulted him backwards and he had landed on one of the broken rebar. She ran to him and threw herself down next to him. He was breathing rapidly, and every time there was a horrible rattle. His eyes were closed, his face twisted and small droplets of blood around his lips fed the horror inside of her. One of the broken rebar had plunged right through his body. She tried to estimate if it could have punctured his lungs. No... it was not close enough to the lungs but maybe the massive impact of the explosion had caused internal bleedings or broken ribs that had punctured his lungs. Underneath all the fear she felt her rational thinking rearing its head. She knew she wouldn't be able to move him. Her view shifted down his body again until the rested on the intruder. The bloody stump of the metal already implied what damage it had done to him. The armor had simply been given in – neither the material of it or nor the flesh underneath it had stood a chance – they had fallen without resistance. The metal on the other hand, was clinging tightly to its surroundings, embracing the flesh and its former armor, not offering a closer look but allowing some blood to squeeze past it. A slow, gruesome river of crimson trickled down his trembling side.

"No no no..." She ran her shaking hand over the side of his face; his skin cold and damp. For a moment she was able to think clearly again. "Anyone... we need a medic... now!"

"Commander – we noticed the explosion, what happened? Are you alright?" it was Joker's voice. A little anger flickered up in her.

"Joker – send in a medic or a team or whatever. Now!" she snarled. How could he ask if everything was alright when she had just asked for help? She left her hand on Kaidan's face, the other slowly moving down his torso, checking for more damage, until she felt him shiver, his eyes shooting open and his hand grasping hers.

"Don't," he panted, spraying more blood over his face. His eyes were locked with hers now. She wanted nothing more than to pull it out – to remove that intruding debris from his body but at the same time she knew he was right and that she could not. Instead she was forced to watch him suffer silently.

"Alright... I won't touch it." She ran her hand down his face again and she noticed his half closed eyes. "Why didn't you just stay with me?" She had to ask. If he had pulled her close, the barrier would have protected them both.

"No...not 'nough t-time," Was his response and Shepard could feel the stinging in her eyes.

"Then why for me? You could have saved yourself!" she stammered while the first tear ran down her cheek. She wasn't sure if it was supposed to be a laugh or a cough but Kaidan's body jerked up as far as it could while he coughed out more blood. Slowly the pained expression faded from his face and a weak, yet gentle smile took its place. He didn't answer – not in words but he didn't have to. She could see the answer in his warmth of his eyes, and that small smile. He had wanted to protect her – no matter the costs. Maybe it would have been enough time to get them both inside the barrier – maybe it would not have been. He didn't want to risk it.

"You fool," she whispered at him and another shudder ran through his body, he struggled to laugh – covering her hand and his face with more crimson.

"One hand...w-washes the...the other," he choked out. She stared at him. Of course she knew what he was talking about – she had saved his hide before but this is not what she wanted.

"And what am I supposed to do if you are not around?" She now rested her forehead on his, her right hand squeezing his. He didn't answer for a while and eventually she raised her head again. "Where is the fucking medic?" she yelled into the comm channel.

"On their way, Commander, they should be with you in a few," Kaidan grinned again – though it looked scary with the blood on his lips and teeth. It was a rare thing that she'd be impatient so quickly.

"Go..." he said in a low voice but she shook her head.

"I'm not leaving you behind – it's not happening." That stubborn ass was really trying to send her away.

"You can't do an-anything here. Go," he said while his hand squeezed hers. She shook her head again.

"I will not leave you here. I will wait for the medic and I'll be at your side, no matter what," She didn't want to leave him again. She had regretted that before and she wouldn't make the same mistake. She noticed his eyes moving a bit away from her and just a moment later she felt a hand on her shoulder. She pushed it away.

"You... have to...go. There are... asses t-to be kicked," He said when had returned to look at her again.

"They can wait. This time they will have to wait," She responded through the tears that were now running down in a constant little stream. He tried to shake his head and barely succeeded. "Yes, they will wait." She stopped him before he could continue to argue with her.

Halfheartedly she noticed Garrus and Tali kneeling down next to them but they seemed alien in this situation. They didn't belong here. They were intruding. Shepard was irritated by the orange light that suddenly lit up and she tried to figure out where it was coming from. Garrus was using his omnitool to get some readings from the broken body in front of him. She narrowed her eyes in displeasure but didn't say anything. She knew that they only tried to help but it still felt like an intrusion of their privacy. Once more it crossed her mind if she should say something but a pained groan from Kaidan returned her attention back to what really mattered.

"You can't...do any-anything. Get going..." he said again. She knew he meant it, knew that he didn't want her around in his condition. But she just couldn't get herself to oblige his wishes.

"I'll wait until the medic gets here. And I make sure that you get out of here ok – and that you get to the ship alright and," he shook his head ever so lightly again.

"You... you can stay 'til... the medic gets here...then – then you go." she couldn't believe that he was bargaining with her in this situation. She didn't want to leave and he didn't want her to stay... this seemed so familiar. She had to smile beneath her tears. His reaction was also so very typical – he would take a few steps down her way and then direct her a few steps down his own. They evened each other out – helped each other to find just the right path. That is probably why she couldn't deny him this wish and nodded in agreement.

The next minutes they didn't speak and Shepard had forgotten about those around her. His hand was still clutching at hers and she ran her thumb over his fingers. Her forehead was resting on his and she continued to whisper to him that he would be alright and that she wouldn't leave him alone. Every now and then she lifted her head to press a gently kiss on his face or to run her hand over his cheek or through his hair.

She didn't know how long she had been staying there with him – it could have been minutes or hours; the mixture of fear, sadness and the lingering hope in the back of her head numbed all other sensations. She didn't even realize that there was suddenly a hand on her shoulder again. She shrugged it off, not wanting anyone to disturb but this time the hand was persistent. It was heavier and tried to pull her away with gentle force. She shrugged again but there was no getting rid of it.

"They're here..." Kaidan mumbled and for the first time she focused on her surroundings again. There were more lights and voices; she recognized the dark blue Alliance uniforms and she even noticed the insignia on the medic.

"Ma'am, we got it from here. Please, you have to make some room so we can work," one of them said with a calm voice. She knew he was right, of course, but it was impossible to move away. "Ma'am, you have to move," he said again and was trying to direct her somewhere else. He only succeeded when Kaidan opened his fingers around Shepard's hand, breaking one of the chains that had bound her to him.

"You promised,." he reminded her when she knelt down next to his head again.

"Yes, I did. I'll just want to make sure... that's all."She paused for a moment before she added, "Don't make me leave just yet." She was suffering on a different level than he was, but she was suffering no less. He knew it and so he tried to give her a crooked grin.

"Only... 'til they move me." Suddenly he looked passed her,"Garrus... you h-heard that. Take her... away when I-I'm 'bout to be moved."

The Turian was still standing behind Shepard when he answered. "I promise, my friend. But after that you'll owe me one." Kaidan coughed up more blood as he laughed. Despite the seriousness of the situation it felt familiar – something Shepard could cherish and something that took her mind off of the medics talking. She didn't want to hear how much damage had been done – she was scared to hear it. Instead she noticed their movements out of the corner of her eyes, how they stabilized the rebar and how they scanned his torso for wounds, as well as checking his vitals. She heard the well known sound of injections being administered.

"Commander Alenko, we gave you something to numb the pain before we'll cut the rebar. It will only take a few minutes and should you feel any pain while we work, let us know." A single nod from Kaidan showed them that he had heard them.

"Go," he directed at Shepard but she shook her head. "I want you t-to go. I don't w-want you to see it." Within the low voice of his was determination. He hadn't minded her presence until now, but there was a line he didn't want her to cross. "Go – Sen, go and kick some ass for me."

She couldn't keep the tears back anymore, they rushed down her face and wouldn't stop no matter what she tried. When she saw the pleading in his eyes, she finally nodded. She leaned to his face kissed him on each cheek, on the forehead and once on the lips. She formed the words with her lips but she couldn't speak them out aloud but it was enough for him. He smiled knowingly.

"C'mon Shepard," Garrus' voice made it into her consciousness. "We should honor his wish." She felt the heavy hand of the Turian on her shoulder and saw Kaidan nod slowly.

"I'll come back for you!" She whispered to him before Garrus slowly pulled her up onto her feet. "I'll come back." She told him again before she was dragged away from him. She didn't turn away from him but took one step after another away from him, led by the firm hold of Garrus. Then suddenly, she couldn't see him anymore – only the backs of blue uniforms.

"Joker, we're on our way out." Tali informed the pilot.

"Is she all right?" he wanted to know. He knew he wouldn't get an answer from Shepard but at least Tali could maybe give him a hint.

"Physically yes – maybe some minor traumas." The Quarian remained respectful, not discussing too much of the matter while Shepard was present. There were no more discussions on their way out, Shepard turned back looking at the dimming lights in the tunnel every now and then before Garrus and Tali directed her back to the exit. Even when they sat in the shuttle and made their way back to their ship, she didn't say anything. She was too weak to resist being brought to medbay, too tired to argue when the doctor scanned her for injuries, too busy with her thoughts to notice that she had a cracked rib and twisted ankle and that she had been incredible lucky. When there was nothing holding her anymore, she made her way to her cabin, struggled out of the armor and fell onto the bed. A few moments later she had wrapped the blanket around her closely and stared at the wall. She hadn't listened to the doctor telling her that she would receive a sedative to get some sleep but when she felt drifting into sleep, she was praying that she would not dream.

* * *

She rushed up, her stomach revolting on her. With sweat and tears running down her face she jumped up and out of bed and then she realized she had no idea where she was. This wasn't the barracks, this wasn't the Normandy... damn where was the bathroom? She looked around, found a door and then she suddenly knew where she was – the hotel room on Omega. She didn't think much further but ran into the bathroom just in time. Her body heaved as she threw up.

When her insides calmed down a bit, she dragged in a deep breath and pushed herself onto her feet before she headed to the sink and cleaned herself up. The face in the mirror seemed to resemble herself very little – she looked horrible. Her eyes and nose were swollen and her face red; she probably had been crying ever since it started. After she had rinsed her mouth a few times and had splashed cold water into her face, she made her way back to the bed. And even after she had rested her head on the pillow again and had pulled the blanket up, she could feel her heart racing. Her subconscious had perfectly merged her two greatest regrets of her life into a single dream.

Her father had had the tendency to invite some of his soldiers every now and then. When she had asked him, he told her it was a family tradition that he wanted to preserve. Even on Earth, a lot of the soldiers had been stationed very far away from their homes and families and it could get a bit lonely. And so, whenever a soldier had impressed him in some way, he would eventually invite him or her to a BBQ or dinner. Sometimes he would even inform his family a day before a holiday that he would bring home some guests. She had liked it – it always made the holidays exciting.

She had been just about twenty when her father had once again invited one of his soldiers over. Sergeant Timothy Key had impressed her father enough to be invited to a family BBQ after just a few months in his unit. It was nothing new for her to see unfamiliar faces at her home but she had been struck when she had seen him. She remembered exactly the shade of his strawberry-blond hair and the pale blue of his eye. But above all she remembered his laugh: it was contagious and clear as a bell. He had been a tech specialist and it was due to him that she had taken an interest in it herself. She would have never admitted it but she had applied for the tech branch because she knew he would be around. Of course it had been foolish but somehow, everything had worked out. After a while, she had really found a great liking in her job but Tim had been the the initial motivation. Even though they had not been in the same unit, they had had plenty of situations where they had worked together and it hadn't taken much time for them to become close.

He was open minded and had a great sense of humor. No matter the situation he always found the right words and he was able to encourage her to keep going. And if things turned out worse than she wanted, he could always think of some stupid joke to cheer her up.

They had been a couple not long after they had first met and it felt right. She had to smile when she remembered one of missions. Their units had been part of an escort for a large supply-transporter to a newly found colony. Just before they had boarded their ship, he had quickly taken her aside from the others. "If we survive this and I follow you home... will you keep me?" he had whispered in her ear.

She hadn't been able to help it and giggle. It was such an old line but she couldn't deny that she had found it absolutely adorable. "Only if you wear a collar and don't pee on the carpet." She had responded before she had given him a quick kiss.

"I promise" he had answered and dragging her a bit further into the shadows and kissed her thoroughly. "We should probably get going." he sighed and she nodded, feeling the disappointment as he did.

She had kept him for almost two years – and she probably would have kept him even longer if things had been different – if that colony had not pissed off those forsaken smugglers. It would have turned out differently if she had been faster at disarming that bomb – if she had listened to him and had started running when he had told her to. If she had been better – he would not have had to protect her; he would have had time to get her close enough so the barrier would had protected both of them. She had never forgiven herself for failing him – she had never forgiven herself that he had sacrificed himself for her. Timothy had died two days after the explosion.

She sighed deeply. He had been her first love and after he had died because of her – she had closed herself off – not letting any man become more than friend. She kept the sorrow close and it had become her own morbid inspiration to become better. It had served her well until a year and a half later.

For the first time ever, she was wondering if it had been better for Tim to die when he did – at least he was spared the massacre on Akuze.

She rubbed her face intensely. Shepard believed that everything in the past had an influence on the present. The things she had experienced had made her into the woman she was. Tim's death had caused her to be more cautious. It had also taught her that a life could end at any moment. He was the reason why she didn't want her crew to have any regrets and she did her best to help them with that.

It had been a long time since she had thought about Tim like this – but she had never forgotten him. The things she had learned from him and his death had become a part of her – something of the past that continued to exist in the present.

And so life had continued for her. She kept contact with her parents and she was filled with joy when they had told her how proud they were that she had gotten promoted. She had made a few friends, and had improved her skills. And every day she had promised herself and those she had lost that she would continue to polish her skills and that she would do everything in her power to never let anything like it happen again. She had done so after the tunnel and she had done so after Akuze.

And then came the assignment to the Normandy. It had been another major change in her life, just like becoming a Spectre. But all the military honors and challenges had been nothing compared to meeting Kaidan Alenko. He had captured her with his calm demeanor and cunning wits. Deep inside she had been unable to deny the growing wish for something beyond friendship. She had been longing for an emotional bond and she had found it in her former L.T. He was so different from what she had known and yet he felt so right. It had started slowly with a few talks and briefings and it felt good to her. And then before she knew it, she had started to go and see him at his work station whenever she had something on her mind. All of that had given her time to adjust to the reawakened feelings and from what she could tell, he was grateful for the slow pace as well.

Of course there had been doubts – should she even try? What about fraternization? And finally she had reminded herself of something: no regrets. She was always trying to help others find their peace – why should she not try to find her own?

Shepard sighed again. It had been so good for as long as it lasted – she had felt alive and safe with him and he had given her the strength that she had needed to go on.

At the moment, the thing she was missing the most was to just have him at her side. Someone that would speak his mind, try to understand her decisions, argue with her if necessary, but also someone that caught her when she fell. Someone who gave her hope when she despaired. He had done all those things just by being at her side and then... it was all gone again. She had lost him and Shepard had realized that losing him to doubts, distrust and hatred was much worse than losing him to death.

She turned onto her side and snuggled close to the blanket. Her two greatest regrets: the one man she couldn't save and the other she couldn't keep.


	8. Old News

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Thanks a lot for reading and sticking with me. I appreciate every single person reading and of course, every review helps to keep me motivated._

_I apologize if some of the parts seem like larger jumps forward, but I eventually have to pick up the pace a little. So, Chapter 9, which is already in Beta, might appear like a far jump as well but I hope you can enjoy both of them anyway.  
_

_My thanks and hugs go to Shenzi, Jilly and OdScIs__ this time, for the a great amount of patience and the endless effort to seek out and destroy my typos and illogical thinking!_

_

* * *

_

He fell into the seat and stretched his legs. It had been a long day – as had the last two. Ever since Shepards visit, it seemed as if everyone had tried to keep him busy. Maybe they actually tried or maybe it just seemed that way to him because he was looking forward to his time off duty. No matter how late he had returned the last few days, he had found the time and energy to look at the other information that was on Shepard's data-pad. He had taken a break from the Cerberus folder – the things he had seen, still made him shudder. Instead he had decided to take a look at the things that she had been doing before she suddenly appeared on the Citadel again.

He wasn't too happy about the first mission reports he found. While they were about expanding the crew – they had all been chosen by Cerberus. He really tried to put his doubts aside, he couldn't help but wonder if those people were loyal... could be loyal to Shepard. Some of the missions had included comments, little notes and observations. In the file about recruiting Mordin Solus she had added _"A scientific genius! I hope that he can help to explain a few things to me that the doc couldn't. Seems like he enjoys a good challenge – guess that makes this mission just perfect for him."_ There were actually quite a few of those notes. Some were mere observations other told him a bit more about her thoughts.

"_Jack seems to hate Cerberus as much as I do – even if it is for different reasons. I'll have to figure out how stable she is but I have the feeling that our dislike of TIM will allow us to work together quite nicely." _Shepard had recruited Jack right after the Salarian, which meant that this entry had been made only a few days or maybe a week after she had awoken. Once again Kaidan began to realize that she had told him the truth. She had never trusted Cerberus and had only worked with them because there was little choice. That observation was confirmed again when he looked at a file called 'Archangel'. Kaidan had to grin – surely that was no name that he would have chosen for Garrus. When he continued to read, he found himself thinking that the Turian hadn't changed all that much. He was still a hardliner when it came to enforcing justice. He continued to read on and soon found another one of Shepard's notes. _"If I didn't have the bruises from Garrus' concussion rounds, I would surely think that I am dreaming. Out of all people... I can't even say how glad I am to have someone at my side that I can trust with my life. Whenever TIM is trying to screw me over – I know Garrus will be there to back me up."_

He had begun to understand that her situation must have been confusing and very difficult and he had realized how important it had been for Shepard to have something to hold on to. Joker, Chakwas, Tali and Garrus were those she could hold onto – they were familiar, reliable and trustworthy, something that was very rare and very valuable to her.

"Garrus, you bastard... how did you know to trust her? How did you know she needed you and I didn't... Damn you." He wasn't truly mad at the Turian – but he was mad at himself.

Kaidan sighed. He still tried to figure out what she had been thinking on Horizon – he regretted how things had gone. But she had been so distant, so impersonal – and he had wondered... no, he was still wondering if she... Did she ever think about him? Did she miss him? He shook his head – of course she was thinking about him, otherwise she wouldn't have stopped by to give him the information but was he a valuable resource to her... or was he more?

A sudden thought struck him and he started to search through the files until he found the one titled 'Horizon'. He swallowed hard but opened it. Just underneath the first paragraph he found one of her notes. _"One day I will find TIM and make him pay for what he has done – the upcoming events will only tell if it will be sooner or later. I know for sure that TIM was involved in this but I am starting to wonder if the Alliance brass didn't know more as well-- either way, those bastards used him as bait! If anything happened to him... TIM will not see the destructions of the Reapers."_ He knew right away that she was talking about him. A mixture of emotions washed through him – horror that they had used him to lure the Collectors and Shepard to Horizon and that his presence might have been the cause that so many people vanished. But at the same time, there was also relief that she had an opinion about it – that she had cared. It gave him hope. Maybe not all was lost.

Her personal note was followed by a report on the mission. Reading through it, he understood that he had probably been lucky. He wouldn't have had a chance against the number and different types of enemies they had fought – no matter how good a soldier he was. He remembered that his mind went blank when he had heard her voice. Despite the rumors... he had not dared to get his hopes up. And then... he had actually been facing her and all emotions had just broken lose.

He massaged the back of his neck – thinking about that meeting was not pleasant. So instead he tried to push those memories away and continued to read.

"_I had to think about Ash today and what she once told me about having a foot in the mouth. I think I would have made her proud – or at least gotten her to laugh. Hell, bring me back from the dead and I'll fight but try to get me to say the right things – heh. I'm just glad he's alive and well... that's all that matters."_ This was so typical for Shepard – she worried about everything and everyone else first. Only when everyone else was at peace, she'd spend the few remaining moments to take care of herself.

The flickering of a light next to his console caught his attention. He shut down all information from Shepard and only then accepted the call. It was Anderson's secretary.

"Commander Alenko, Councilor Anderson wishes you to join the Council." Kaidan sighed but nodded.

"Did he say why?" He wanted to know.

"I am sorry, sir. They only said that they need to see you and that it is important." She replied and Kaidan sighed another time.

"I'm on my way." he replied and turned off the channel. So much for his plan to get more than a few hours of sleep.

* * *

"You are kidding me, right? How much more proof do you need? I gave you a shitload of data on Cerberus and the Collectors. I sent you pictures of the derelict Reaper ship before the destruction! I gave you a copy of the data from scientists that were indoctrinated." She almost yelled at them now. The little vein on her temple was throbbing.

"Yet we cannot be sure that this information has not been altered by Cerberus or is meant to lead us in a wrong direction," the Salarian councilor said calmly.

"Besides, those scientist could have been infected with any kind of virus or drug to get them to hallucinate," the Turian added.

If Shepard had been in the Council Chambers, she would have strangled them both.

"So, let me guess – you are back to calling me hysterical and what was the other..." Kaidan finally stepped forward.

"I think it was delusional, ma'am." He noticed her eyes flicker for a moment when she recognized him. She was extremely angry, he could tell.

"Oh great... Commander Alenko – just what I needed." she snarled. "But it's nice to see that you are still standing with those who keep dismissing all my claims." She stared at him for another moment before she returned her attention to the council. "So you will do nothing? You will pretend that everything is alright – just like you always do?" He could see how she strained herself to keep her voice down.

"Commander, we have to consider the good of the entire galaxy and..." Shepard didn't let the Asari finish.

"Oh, and what exactly do you think I am doing? You think I have nothing better to do than to make my way around dozens of systems and hundreds of planets to find information and recruit experts? With all due respect councilors – why don't you take those datapads I sent you and stick them up your a..."

"Shepard that's enough!" Anderson kept her from finishing the sentence. She only stared at him and now Kaidan could see plain disappointment.

"Now you too, Anderson? I see... well in that case, Councilors, I suppose it is best I resign my Spectre status. You don't want to listen? Fine... find yourself a nice place to watch the Reaper's roll through but don't expect me to sit and do nothing. Joker..."

"Aye, aye Commander – losing the bureaucratic bullcrap!" Kaidan heard the pilot's familiar voice and the channel was cut. There was a moment of silence before the politicians began to discuss the abruptly ended conference. He just looked at the platform where she had been displayed and didn't listen to anything they said. She had obviously not quite forgiven him for accusing her of being part of Cerberus.

The sudden flickering and reappearance of a picture got everyone's attention. It was the pictured out of the cockpit of a ship – the consoles blurred slightly to not give away any information. "While you managed to overstretch the patience of the Commander, I was able to convince her to let me send you our few last pieces of information. I don't think you deserve them but at least we can say we told you everything and it will be your ignorance and idiocy that got everyone killed – you know, like in the end of the world!" It was Joker speaking again and it seemed that he had fed the Council a video stream. "I fed the data to you, so you can watch it and re-watch it and then just sweep it under the carpet like you always do. Don't say we didn't warn you."

With that the video started. The lights of the work stations and consoles soon lost in intensity... or rather they appeared to lose such, compared to the massive orange glow from the outside. It looked like a normal relay... only that the energy core of it had the wrong color.

"Approaching the Omega-4 Relay. Everyone stand by." Joker said and in that moment it was not only Kaidan who stiffened when he heard it.

"Let's make it happen" Shepard said and her former Lieutenant could hear the tenseness in her voice.

"Reaper IFF activated. Signal acknowledged." He didn't recognize the female voice but there was a strange tone to it. I could have been a VI or any workstation or program that had received a voice. But before he could think about it further, another voice could be heard.

"Commander. The drive core just lit up like a Christmas tree."

"Drive Core electrical charge at critical levels" The odd female voice displayed no emotional change when she informed the crew of the status.

"Rerouting!" Joker commanded while the relay came closer and closer. Kaidan had started to clench his fists. This was not good... the Omega-4 Relay was a deathtrap. No ship had ever returned from there – but before he could continue to wonder, the orange light had engulfed everything as the ship positioned itself parallel to the relay and then the familiar sound of massive acceleration could be heard. For a moment there was silence and Kaidan used it to drag in some air and look over to the other people present. They were all speechless and stared at the display.

"Brace for deceleration" the female voice warned the crew and then they saw it... a massive field of wrecks and debris.

"Shit!" Joker's recorded voice and Kaidan's own sounded at the same time and after the Normandy SR-2 had somehow made it through the field of ship parts and rocks, the Joker from the video and Kaidan took a breath "Too close."

The scenery on the screen was overwhelming – it was the display of pure destruction and death. There were so many shipwrecks... it was impossible to guess just how many people must have died when they had been ripped apart. He registered known designs and some that look ancient... just how long had people found their doom on the other side of that relay?

He was so fascinated and shaken at the same time that he didn't even hear what the crew said next.

"... Collector base. Take us in – nice and easy." Shepard's voice called him back and slowly the realization of what Shepard had done began to sink into his consciousness. He began to understand the risk Shepard had taken... she and everyone else on her crew. A sudden change in the display got him to focus again. The next minutes of the recorded material seemed to come from surveillance cameras in the cargo bay and it only emphasized the danger they had been in. A massive guard-drone or something alike had ripped parts of the Normandy opened and Shepard didn't wait a moment before she, Garrus and the Salarian Solus moved to fight the enemy. Every now and then the particle beam of the drone would take out a camera but what had been recorded was enough to show just how close things were. Kaidan had found himself something to lean against. He registered that there were voices from the information stream, even if there was no video displayed but he couldn't listen to them. His heart was pounding... and his hands were shaking, so he tried to steady them by holding on to the desk tightly. But things got only worse – especially after they had destroyed the drone and the view was from the helm again.

"Too late! Looks like their sending out an old friend to greet us." those were the first words he could actually focus on again and for some reason he felt himself tense up. Moments later he understood why.

It felt almost like a déjà vu – the ship heading to attack the Normandy... his world had crumbled in the same situation two and a half years ago. He wanted to look away, he didn't want to see it even though... if this was recording it had already happened. He had seen her again... she had survived and before he could continue to ponder he saw something that forced a bit of relief into him.

"Let's show them our new teeth. Fire the main gun!" Shepard commanded. A huge blue beam appeared on the screen and made it's way quickly to the enemy ship.

"How do you like that you sons of bitches!" Joker yelled and Kaidan couldn't help but smile in a very twisted way.

"Get in close and finish them off." Shepard told Joker and that they did. The Collector's ship didn't stand a chance. Whatever sort of gun the Normandy SR-2 had... it ripped right through the enemy's ship. Maybe it had been a bit too powerful because the ship began to explode. Things happened too fast and the Normandy could not get out of the blast range on time. Instead, Shepard's ship was shaken back and forth, hitting debris while Joker warned everyone to prepare themselves for the impact. Kaidan couldn't see how the crew was thrown around but he had an idea that it had been a very rough landing. He was surprised that the ship had survived at all. The display froze and instead Joker's voice called for their attention again.

"I will spare you our internal speeches and preparations – but lets say that we were prepared to accept this as a one-way trip. I'd say you are lucky we came back because you, unlike us, will get a safe look at what we found."

A new video stream started, showing what seemed to be the inside of the base. It seemed as if the video had been recorded by a camera attached to the head-gear of someone. Kaidan's guess was confirmed when the camera turned and he saw the familiar face of Garrus, who nodded and on the other side was the Drell that Kaidan had seen in the crew-list.

"Shepard – if my calculations are correct, the super-structure... is a Reaper." it was the odd female voice again.

"Not just any Reaper..." there was a long pause and the view was directed ahead of them. Slowly something came into sight that seemed absolutely... surreal. "-- a human Reaper." she added and it was true. The basic shape of a torso with a spine and arms hung high up in the air, attached to large tubes or cables. It was a disturbing sight to say the least.

"They processed the kidnapped humans to built this reaper. Our calculations showed that hundreds of thousand more humans would be needed to finish it. Shepard decided to take it down and to destroy the base – despite the wishes of the Illusive Man. It almost would have worked smoothly if the damn baby-Reaper had not tried to stay alive." Joker informed them and the stand-by picture went black, only to be replaced by another similar scene.

It showed how the massive structure fought to kill Shepard and her team, shooting at them or even trying to smash them with its unfinished arms. There were moments when it was close... too close for Kaidan's taste, especially when more Collectors appeared to join the Reaper. Later on, when the video showed a nice close-up on the Reaper it stopped and Joker's comment echoed again.

"Somehow, Shepard and her team made it. They destroyed the damn thing, blew up the base and actually made it back to the ship. Most of us thought it was impossible – but she made sure everyone survived, even the crew that had been taken by the Collectors. Now I don't care what you think about us, or what you think about Shepard... but if you ignore this threat, then you don't deserve to be saved. She is doing the best she can to make things right for all of us... and I think it is about fucking time that you get off of your asses and acknowledge the truth."

It went silent after that, the display still showing the Reaper. Kaidan suddenly realized that he had stopped breathing and dragged in a lot of air. She had known that it was a suicide mission... she had known that the chances were good that they wouldn't return. Kaidan felt the anger and the disappointment boiling up inside of him. If he had not known that she had survived, he probably would have felt regret and fear – but she was alive and she had gone through the Omega-4 Relay without telling him that she might not come back. She had not even responded to his message... why not? If she had expected to die, why had she not told him? There had been nothing to lose. His fingers clenched into fists...

"Commander Alenko?" His head rushed up when he heard his name. Anderson was looking at him and so was the rest of the Council. "Are you alright?" the former Alliance Captain wanted to know, a concerned look on his face. Kaidan nodded only.

"Commander Alenko, you have served with Shepard before, you know how she works -" the Salarian Councilor began and started at him. "Would you say that this is... accurate?" Kaidan had to laugh dryly – even now they acted as if they were treading on raw eggs.

"You want to know if I think this material is accurate? If I believe that this is real and not... what? ...Faked?" The Salarian nodded and Kaidan was surprised to see something else than doubts in all of their faces. Were they actually starting to grasp just how serious the situation was?

"Only a few minutes ago, you told Shepard that you still didn't believe her, no matter what information she had given you. Why ask me now? I believed her before she died. I saw the VI on Ilos-- I saw Sovereign and what Saren had become." His anger towards Shepard's silence was slowly redirected against the Council. "The last time I voiced my opinion, you told me to keep my thoughts to myself if I wanted to continue my service. Why would you want my opinion now and why would I say anything else than what you want to hear?"

Even in his anger he saw a slight smile on Anderson's face.

"Commander Alenko, I understand that this might be difficult for you, but at this moment we would like to hear your opinion as former crew-member of Commander Shepard. Do you think she would go far enough to feed us wrong information just to achieve her goals?" the Turian politician wanted to know. Kaidan stared at him with disbelief before he quickly returned to his professional expression.

"I do not think it is a fake. The ship that was destroyed by the Normandy SR-2, and the pods that appeared at the walls of the base – they were just like the ones on Horizon. But, since you tend to doubt our statements, I would suggest you have a look at the surveillance material from the docking bay – if her ship has been damaged, maybe you'll start believing her." Anderson nodded in agreement.

"No matter how much you doubt Shepard and even Commander Alenko, the surveillance is under Citadel control, so maybe you will believe your own information." the older man stated and Kaidan couldn't help but feel good about hearing it. The fact that Anderson had indirectly distanced himself from the rest of council gave him hope.

"That is very good thinking, Commander." the Asari said and started to work on her omnitool. Some moments later they received information. Several dock workers confirmed that the Normandy had been severely damaged but that the crew had refused to have it repaired and to prove their story, some pictures were uploaded. Kaidan cringed at the sight. The hull was ripped open at the bottom of the ship, leaving a gaping hole that went through the entire ship. There was additional damage on the wings and also on the upper main body of the ship and deep down Kaidan thanked the engineers that they had provided quality work.

"If everything turns out to be accurate... then this is very disturbing news." the Salarian said and Kaidan almost had to laugh out loud. 'News... over two years old' he thought but kept his opinion to himself. "We will examine the information more closely but should it turn out to be true, then we will have a lot of work to do."

"Commander Alenko – while we analyze this material, we need you to stay available in case we have any questions." Kaidan just nodded... where else would he be going?


	9. Barrier

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Thanks a lot for reading and sticking with me. I appreciate every single person reading and of course, every review helps to keep me motivated._

_As mentioned before, this Chapter might be a bit of jump but I did my best to fit it in nonetheless. Maybe it was because of the Baby-Reaper in Part 8... I am still not convinced that it was the best they could have come up with as End-Boss but that's my personal opinion. Anyway, I hope you enjoy Part 9 - as always I do my best to keep the emotional roller-coaster running.  
_

_My thanks and hugs go to Shenzi and Sia for being my very helpful and amazing Beta-Readers__!_

_

* * *

_

"It's not happening!" Shepard's face was almost without emotion. Only those that knew her a bit could see the glistening in her eyes. Everyone of her Core-Team looked at her.

"Shepard... I think Miranda is right," Garrus said carefully. He almost immediately received an unnerving stare from her.

"No! Just, no!" She was pacing a few steps to the left and back again. Though she tried to keep her mask up, she was failing rapidly. "Besides, we don't have enough room... and all positions are taken." It was obvious that this was her last line of defense and it brought out a pitying smile on Joker's lips and that of some others as well.

"Two people left the crew just recently... and we have so much work to do that...," Jacob started while he looked at her with a understanding smile. "He's received a lot of recommendations and seems to be good at what he does. We could really use his help," he added and didn't wince under her glare. "Didn't you say that we needed the best?" Ouch... that hurt. Jacob was right – they were all right of course, she knew that but she had a little pride left that just refused to budge.

"Commander, I'm pissed off as well... but they **are** right. We know what he can do and we know how he works," Joker said. He had seen Shepard in difficult moods before but this was different. She was not simply angry... she was emotionally stressed and he couldn't blame her.

"I don't need someone on my ship that doesn't trust me, Joker!" She almost yelled at him now, "Hell, I'd prefer to have Toombs with me. At least I know that he is tempted to shoot me!" She allowed herself to fall back against the table and sighed deeply.

"Commander... may I remind you that you barely trusted any of us when you came on board for the first time?" Miranda noted and her voice was surprisingly kind.

"No doubt... and concerning Cerberus and the Illusive Man I was right, no?" she snapped and Miranda looked away. Not a moment later, Shepard sighed, "Listen... I have come to trust each one of you. We went to hell and back again and you're all still here. That means something." She paused for a moment before she added, "But this is different."

"Shepard, he can't help that he is socially challenged – just like I can't help being incredibly good looking and hilarious. It's in our nature. But he has the trust of the Council, Anderson, the Alliance and let's not forget that he might be our key to more biotics. As far as I know, he helped as a mediator between Burns and the L2s. I think it could come in handy." Joker brought up as a new argument. At that moment, Shepard would have liked to strangle him. She ran her thumbs in massaging circles over her temples, trying to disperse the upcoming headache before it could manifest.

"Can we even afford to feed another Biotic? It's bad enough as it is... half the crew has some biotic abilities which has pushed the consumption levels up..." She objected again and now even Miranda couldn't help but smile over Shepard's attempt to find reasons for a denial.

"Commander, I can assure you that there are enough supplies that we can feed him as well. It will not put a dent into our finances," The former Cerberus operative responded.

"What about breach of security? He's still Alliance... we'll have to set up a different protocol for him. He can't...," she started and was cut off by EDI's voice.

"Don't forget that I am the _Normandy_, Commander. Whatever security protocol you want to invoke, it will be enforced moments after you announce it." At that very moment Shepard just wanted to smash the AI core and space her entire team.

"I got it... I got it." She sighed again, "So, everyone supports the suggestion to have an Alliance contact on the Normandy?"

"Well, I wouldn't say I like the idea, but it will turn out useful. Of course, only as long as he does not interfere with our work," Miranda added and Shepard finally nodded in defeat.

Of course she had been glad that the Council had finally started to admit that there might be more to the threat of the Reapers than they had acknowledged – but the fact that they had combined it with their own demands had annoyed her. Why the hell did it have to be someone from the Alliance? Why had it not been someone or something else? C-Sec? She liked Bailey – no matter how tough the old man acted, he had his heart in the right spot.

Shepard groaned silently. It wasn't that she hated the Alliance, but her trust had been reduced drastically and now she'd be reminded of everything from her past... by the man that haunted her dreams. "Just great," She thought to herself before she dismissed everyone.

* * *

Things looked much different now... the ship to be exact. The hull had been repaired, the yellow color had been replaced by blue and a new logo decorated the ship. He recognized the two letters L and H but he couldn't read what was surrounding it. It would be interesting to find out what had changed. Though now that he was standing in front of the ship, he couldn't deny his excitement anymore. There was also some fear – how would the crew react? What sort of people were they and how would Shepard welcome him? He took a deep breath and walked towards the entrance.

"Welcome aboard the new Normandy, Commander Alenko," Jacob greeted him when he had passed the airlock. "I'm Jacob Taylor, though you probably know that already." Kaidan nodded but shook the hand of the former Cerberus member. "Commander Shepard apologizes that she can't welcome you personally but she is in another conference. She will join us as soon as she is able," he added and Kaidan couldn't help but feel a knot in his stomach. He seriously doubted that Shepard really felt sorry about being busy. All in all it would be interesting to see how she would react.

"No problem, I don't mean to cause any trouble," he responded, despite his emotional turmoil. He had always been good at hiding his emotions – this would just be his final test.

"How about I show you to your quarters first? I think it will be more relaxed if we have a few less duffel bags in the way," Jacob suggested and Kaidan nodded in agreement.

"Why don't you let me do the tour this time, Taylor?" a very familiar voice sounded in his ears. When he turned around he stared at the very familiar face that belong to the voice.

"Joker...," he just said in a low voice. The pilot was standing in front of him... yes, standing – with no other help than some leg braces.

"Long time no see, huh, Kaidan?" Joker responded instead. His face somehow showed both anger and joy.

"Alright, Moreau, I'll get back to work. Call if you need anything," Jacob suddenly said, the last bit directed at Kaidan. He saluted and then left.

"You look good," he said and he meant it. During all the time he had known Joker, it had been a rare sight to see him walk... and usually it had been with someone's help. To see him standing there, taking steps towards him was... overwhelming.

"Yeah, a week of shore leave after a dangerous mission can really do wonders to your taint," Jeff retorted. He was still joking around like he used to, but there was a certain tone to his voice that did not allow the familiarity of the past to set foot.

"I would have guessed that you'd spend it on the ship. You rarely ever left the old Normandy unless you had to." Kaidan tried to create a friendly neutral ground. The pilot just shrugged and started walking. Alenko followed.

"Well, you'll see that things are a bit different here but you'll also notice a few things that should be familiar. The CIC for example." He pointed forward and Kaidan noticed the galaxy map and the platform for the CO.

"From the outside I realized that she is larger than the original but I didn't expect this." Kaidan looked around in awe. Alliance warships all had the disadvantage of being relatively cramped. Whoever had constructed this ship had had the comfort of the crew in mind.

"Yeah, she's larger alright. That's why we have to use a shuttle for most missions." Kaidan couldn't help but grin.

"No more neck-breaking Mako drops?" Joker turned around and for the first time, Kaidan could see his friend again. It was an honest grin – without reservation and anger.

"No, though we just got ourselves one, so if you desire a Mako-drop... can do." Kaidan couldn't help but laugh at his friend's comment.

"No – I think I am good. But if you have a shuttle... why the hell would you get a Mako? That thing was a nightmare," he asked while they passed around the galaxy map.

"It's a long story. I'll tell you one day," Joker responded as he continued his way to the elevator. Out of the corner of his eyes, Kaidan registered the words 'laboratory' and 'armory' on each side of the elevator. It would be very interesting to see the entire ship – there would be a lot of things for him to discover. Joker must have noticed him eying the two doors because he added:

"On this level is also our com room. I'd show it to you but Shepard is in a meeting." While saying those words, he observed the Alliance soldier. He didn't hide his stare either – Joker had never been one for subtlety. "C'mon – I'll show you your room." Joker then said as he stepped into the elevator.

* * *

"Joker, as soon as everyone is back, set a course to Tuchanka, we...," Shepard hesitated a moment. "Joker-...", Shepard was standing at the helm but there was nobody there. She ruffled her hair a bit. "EDI... where the hell is my pilot?"

"Jeff is currently touring the ship with Commander Alenko," the AI responded. Shepard sighed.

"Ah crap... I was hoping we could be on our way before he got here." Even though she had accepted the general vote for Kaidan to be the Alliance's contact, she wasn't too happy about it. There had been differences, and fights and talks... but the last accusation from his side had gone deep. He had brushed everything aside that she had told him and had continued to push her buttons. Accusing her of being Cerberus had hurt... worse than anything else. It's not that she didn't understand his anger and his frustration but it did not justify what he had said. All her other old friends had believed her and had understood what she was doing and why- only the one person who should have sided with her... he had pushed her away. And now she had to host him on her own ship.

"Where are they now, EDI?" If she had to speak with him, she'd rather get it over with ASAP.

"Jeff and Commander Alenko have just finished touring Deck 4 and are in the mess at this moment." Shepard sighed again... the familiar feeling of nausea started to stir up but this time she tried her hardest to keep it under control. There was no need for her to vomit on his shoes, no matter how angry she was at him. After her insides had calmed down a bit, she turned around and made her way to the elevator.

Once she arrived on the Deck 3 she waited for a moment in the open elevator. Her heart was pounding in her chest but she tried to convince herself that it was just the anger.

"Gardner is actually a pretty good cook. Nobody would have guessed when we first started our journey," she heard Joker say. Unwillingly she had to grin. It was true, the food at the beginning of their mission had been horrible. Sure, he had tried his best but what the military offers is just meant to keep you from starving, not excite your taste buds.

"I'd like to see you do better with military provisions – I did the best I could. Luckily the Commander provided me with real food rations," Gardner said and it was almost adorable when she could hear the pride in his voice. Ever since he had been able to cook with the new ingredients, he was glowing with pride and joy when someone had complimented his meals- of course he would never admit it and usually made his little jokes about it but he couldn't fool Shepard.

Without realizing it she had started to walk and she was now just a few steps away from them. Gardner looked at her and smiled.

"Commander!" he beamed with joy and of course Joker and Kaidan turned around and stared at her.

"You'll have the chance to put your skills to even better use. Commander Alenko is an L2 biotic," She directed at the older man. His eyes flickered for a moment but he nodded.

"I'll see to it that he won't go hungry," he smiled and Shepard returned that smile. "As a matter of fact, I have to start preparing dinner for the crew, so if you'll excuse me." He saluted quickly and started to work. Kaidan looked a bit confused at the halfhearted military behavior. Shepard then turned towards him.

"It's my duty to welcome you on board the _Normandy_." She bit her tongue to suppress the desire to tell him that she had only bowed to the majority. "So, welcome Staff Commander Alenko," She reached out her hand in a professional manner. Deep inside she was impressed at herself. Her hand wasn't shaking even when she looked him into the eyes.

"Thank you, Commander. I'm honored to be here." He shook her hand. This situation reminded a bit of their first meeting, back on the old Normandy, but this time, the atmosphere was tense.

"Is that so? We'll see," she paused for a moment and then broke the handshake. "Things are different here. We are not an Alliance warship." She wanted to make him feel uncomfortable... no matter how childish it was. He was invading her home... and he probably didn't even know it.

"I'm aware of that, ma'am. I'll adjust as best as I can," he responded respectfully. He probably didn't want to give her a reason to be angrier at him than she already was but she just shrugged her shoulders.

"As long as you follow the general rules on my ship, you can do whatever you want. After all, I don't have command over you." Shepard noticed the looks from Joker. He had been silent for a while and that told her that he had been observing them closely. She tried to ignore it.

"Have you been shown your quarters yet?" For a moment she wanted to smack her forehead. That sounded... wrong and it bothered her even more that Joker grinned.

"I've shown him his place in the Observation deck," Her pilot added quickly when he saw her glare.

"Anything else you need, Staff Commander?" She wanted this to be over. She wanted to bury herself so deep in her work that nobody could find her, ever. Kaidan shook his head.

"Alright. Then I'll show you our... 'server room,'" she said and signaled Joker and Kaidan to follow her. They passed through the medbay. "As soon as the rest of the team has returned, you'll have time to meet and speak with everyone. You should have an idea whom to expect."

"So, it really is the same Dr. Chakwas?" he wanted to know and Shepard nodded and so did Joker.

"Yeah, it's good to have her on board. I didn't have to do any explaining to her and she knows my medications and everything. Also, she's quite funny when she's head a few drinks." Shepard looked over her shoulder and Joker went quiet. When they reached the door at the end of the room she turned around and looked at Kaidan.

"If you have any weapons on you, keep them where they are! Is that clear?" She knew that this was surprising and confusing for him but she had to insist.

"Ok... but why...," Shepard merely shook her head.

"You'll see," she only answered before she unlocked and opened the door.

Not a moment later he knew why she had told him to keep his weapons holstered. Legion was standing at the end of the room. He rose his head and the little metal plates stood up.

"Shepard-Commander!" he stated and Kaidan froze. Shepard couldn't quite stifle a chuckle.

"Legion, this is Commander Alenko. He'll be staying on the Normandy for a while," she said as sincerely as she could. "Commander Alenko, this is Legion – a mobile platform of the geth. He has helped us greatly on our missions and through him we are trying to improve our relation with his people."

"Yes. Shepard-Commander – we received a message from our people. We believe it is helpful for achieving further goals." She couldn't help it but smile. She knew Legion was a geth and he had killed before... yet there was something adorable about him, especially when he lifted those small metal parts on top of his head.

"Alright, I will be with you in a few minutes, Legion." She turned around to look at Kaidan who still hadn't moved a muscle but who was staring at the geth with disbelief and a moment later at Shepard with an angry- yet questioning look. "EDI, once we leave this room, Commander Alenko will have no further access. I want a safe-zone for Legion as well as for you." She didn't break eye-contact and she could see that something was boiling inside of him. When the blue hologram popped up on its platform, Kaidan's view rushed towards it.

"As you wish, Commander."

"Oh, by the way, Alenko, that's EDI, our AI," Joker explained and Shepard was amused to see the expression on Kaidan's face. Shock would probably describe it best.

"Welcome, Staff Commander Alenko. I hope you will enjoy your time aboard. Should you be in need of anything, I'll be glad to assist you," EDI said with a friendly inflection.

"Tha-Thank you." Kaidan brought out. It was more than Sayen had expected.

"Joker, how about you finish the tour and then get us to Tuchanka as soon as everyone has returned. And EDI – once they're done with the tour, Commander Alenko will receive regular crew access – besides what I mentioned before. His calls and information transfer will also undergo regular security scans. If you find anything questionable, you will inform me," she commanded while still looking at Kaidan who now simply stared at her.

"Aye, aye Commander," Joker confirmed her order.

"Understood, Shepard," EDI responded. Sayen made a movement towards the door and when Kaidan didn't move she almost gently pushed him into the direction of the exit.

* * *

Once they were outside he turned around and grabbed her arm roughly. "Tell me this is a joke," he snapped completely unprofessional. His hand was shaking ever so slightly, while he pulled her close wanting to shake her in his rage. "What the hell are you thinking? An AI? There is a reason why they are illegal! And shouldn't you, of all people, know what AIs can lead to? And I am not talking about the obvious proof you have sitting in that room!" He hadn't noticed his voice getting louder and louder and he sure as hell had not noticed the small group of the crew members, who had arrived in the mess, staring at him. "They killed Ash... and you... you..." He couldn't finish the sentence as he was trying to calm his anger. He had pulled her face close to his, staring at her but also taking in her scent. When the blue glow ran over his body for few moments, he suddenly wasn't sure if it had been caused by his anger or by her being so close. He knew he had crossed the line but he just couldn't let go of her.

She pressed her other arm against his chest and pushed away to break his grip on her. Without breaking the eye-contact she stepped away from him.

"I remember very well, Alenko! I was the one who had to decide and I was the one who left her behind! Don't you dare imply that I have forgotten!" Shepard yelled, her voice clearly surpassing his own anger and it startled him. He usually didn't lose control this quickly and the Shepard he remembered, didn't either. There had been moments in the past of course, but usually she had waited until she had been somewhere private. This was completely different and the rage she displayed told him that she had not forgotten about Virmire.

"I'll tell you one thing, Commander Alenko... you volunteered for this position for whatever reason and now you got it. But instead of dealing with it, you haven't even been on **my** ship for an hour and you've already started to question my judgment! I won't have that, you understand? If you desire the Alliance military standards then you can just bugger off and return to them! At least you can continue wearing your fucking blindfolds!" She was panting heavily. Kaidan was speechless. His anger was almost gone – her outbreak had suffocated it. The awkward silence that followed was soon disturbed by EDI's voice.

"Commander, would you like me to tag Staff Commander Alenko as threat to 'Last Hope?'" For a moment fear flooded through him – this could be the moment that he had ruined everything. He looked at Shepard and maybe she saw the pleading in his eyes or maybe she found something that made her understand his initial reaction.

"No, that is not necessary, but I don't want him in the AI Core. If he so much as tries to open that door I want him tranqued or shot! Don't worry, his biotic barrier will catch a few bullets." She had been staring at him the entire time but by the end of the sentence she turned around. "Back to what you all were doing," she directed at the obviously staring crew before she returned to the AI Core and locked the door behind her.

"That was a close one, Alenko," Joker noted and Kaidan couldn't do anything but nod and breathed deeply in relief. After that they continued their tour and Joker showed him the rest of the ship. It was much larger than the original ship and there were a lot more rooms than he had imagined. Extra offices, the lab, the armory, a huge engine room, two observation decks and so on and so on. He did realize at some point that they never went up to Deck 1. When he had asked Joker had only told him, "Shepard's cabin." Of course he had been curious to see it, but he was in no mood to press his luck. If he would provoke her with the same intensity as earlier, she would probably find a way to space him... even while they were docked.

When they had finished the tour and Joker had made his way back to the cockpit, Kaidan joined him. The thoughts that were responsible for the fight earlier came back to him. "What's your opinion on the AI and the Geth?" he tried to sound casual and observed the pilot closely.

"Legion has been with us ever since we headed to the old Reaper. It seems he saved the ground team a few times, so they grabbed him on their way out. We got some interesting insights and information about the Geth and their structure. Shepard believes there is more to them than what you and the majority thinks – but that's not for me to discuss." Kaidan nodded, that was something he could accept.

"But you don't seem to be too convinced either." He just wanted the opinion of his friend.

"True...but then again I got used to EDI as well and I really didn't like her presence at first," Joker stated and he grinned as if he was remembering something.

"That is an understatement, Jeff," EDI responded and her voice drove a shudder through Kaidan. She was everywhere... no matter what he did or what he'd say, she... it would know.

"Well, alright, I hated it, I won't deny it. After all, you were installed to inform the Illusive Man of any meaningful events." The pilot paused for a moment. "By the way, why and when did that change? I mean why did you tell us about the hidden code in the distress signal?" Kaidan just listened. Through observation he could learn a lot and that was probably the best in his current situation.

"I **am** an artificial intelligence, Jeff. I develop, learn and adept. The crew of the Normandy achieved a higher priority than the Illusive Man. I began to consider myself part of the crew." Joker shrugged and gave a lopsided grin.

"Well... by now we are actually your crew. Does it ever bother you when we stomp down the hallways?" He joked.

"No, it does not bother me – though I wish you'd stomp down my hallways more often, Jeff." Kaidan rose an eyebrow when he heard it and he almost had to laugh when he saw Joker blush.

"That... erm... that's creepy, EDI," The pilot stammered before he straightened up a little. "Besides, if I stomped, I'd probably break a leg," he added and Kaidan felt a relieved smile forming on his face. This really was the Joker he remembered, there was no more hostility.

"But seriously, without EDI we wouldn't be here. She saved me and the ship when the Collectors came for us and she is responsible that we even made it back through the O4-Relay. In her current state, EDI is the Normandy, more or less ,and she's had plenty of chances to kill us." Joker was more serious than Kaidan had ever seen him before. "I know you love the Alliance... no matter if, despite, or because of all the rules – but you'll see that things can be different and still work well." Kaidan sat down in one of the chairs and nodded. Maybe his old friend was right.

"You shouldn't forget that it was the Alliance and the Council that denied her any help. It's not like she didn't try to convince them." Joker turned away from the console and looked Kaidan in the eyes. "Did you know that her first command was that we head to the Citadel? She talked to Anderson and the Council and they insulted and stonewalled her because of her connection to Cerberus. As far as I know she also asked about you – without any results." The pilot returned to his work to leave the newcomer to his thoughts.


	10. Mascot

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Thanks a lot for reading and sticking with me. I appreciate every single person reading and of course, every review helps to keep me motivated._

_Part 10 - who would have thought that I would actually get this far. I suppose this Chapter is a bit more fluff than usual but I admit I do like it. I was a bit worried that some discussion in the KAST (BW Social Network) would ruin the surprise, but luckily it stayed on page 1345. Anyway, I hope you will find some joy in this. _

_My thanks and hugs go to Shenzi and Jilly for being my very helpful and amazing Beta-Readers__!_

_

* * *

_

As always, Shepard had slept about three or four hours. It was never enough but the stress and worries didn't allow her any more rest. The last night had been even more tossing and turning as she slowly began to understand that Kaidan was actually on her ship. She was still not really happy about it – even if looking at him brought back some delightful memories. But usually those memories ended up soured by the other memories of his angry accusations . She threw on her casuals, freshened up in her bathroom and then headed to the mess.

"Morning Commander" Gardner greeted her. With a knowing smile he put down a cup of mud-colored coffee in front of her.

"Thanks, Rupert. You're the best!" Shepard responded while she closed both hands around the warm mug and took it over to one of the tables. She took a sip before she put it down and then rested her head on her arm. Gardner quickly glanced over at her.

"I heard we'll reach Tuchanka in about two hours. How long will we be staying?" Shepard shrugged.

"I don't know yet, Rupert. We'll hand over the supplies and Wrex seems to have something to discuss with me. Why?" She took another sip of the 'source of life' as she liked to call her coffee.

"I was just wondering. To be honest, I'm just happy I don't have to go down there," he stated and Sayen looked up in surprise.

"Still troubles with Aliens?" She felt a slight wave of annoyance washing through her. _If he says 'yes' we'll have to kill him. He should know better though... we haven't had our two cups of coffee yet._ The little voice yawned in the back of her head. To her relief the cook shook his head.

"No, ma'am, I don't mind the turtles...ahm, Krogans, I just don't like their planet. It's a wasteland and doesn't offer much in the means of sightseeing." He said as he opened the cooling unit to take out eggs and bacon. Shepard was used to his tendency to describe none-humans with different terms, it was a quirk – nothing to worry about.

"I suppose that's true. The planet itself sucks but I actually like the Krogans. They tend to be rude, blunt and violent but at least most of them are honest. You piss one off, he'll demand a fight – whoever wins is right." She had sat up straight again while she was talking and finished her first cup of coffee in four gulps before getting a refill.

"I suppose that works if you are a soldier or fighter or warrior or whatever – but I am none of that. Nuh – I prefer planets where I have a good chance of survival." His last words were almost drowned by the sizzling of eggs on their way of becoming a delicious breakfast. She just nodded at him so she wouldn't have to yell over the the sounds of his cooking.

All that was left of the eggs were the yolks. She readied her toast and stabbed the yellow circles. With almost childish joy she brought the bread down on her plate to build a dam for the spreading liquid.

"Some more bacon, Commander?" Rupert asked while she started to munch on the toast.

"That would be real nice, Mr. Gardner," she responded with her mouth full. The older man laughed and quickly brought her a few extra pieces of bacon and as well as more coffee.

"Good morning, Commander," he suddenly said and for a moment Shepard was confused. 'Erm... I'm right here' she wanted to say but as she turned her head she saw him. This would be taking some time getting used to.

"Morning" Kaidan said and his view shifted to Shepard. "Good morning, Commander" he directed at her and she only nodded, her face stuffed with food again.

"Would you like some breakfast?" Rupert asked. _Of course he does. Not only is he a biotic but can't you see that 'hunger' is written all over his face?_ The little voice stated in the back of her head and this time Shepard cursed at it silently.

"That'd be great, yes." he said as he followed the cook back to the counter of his kitchen.

"How do you want you eggs?" Rupert asked while he threw some slices of bread into the toaster. _Over-easy... but the yolk still soft – like mine._ The voice murmured and if she had been alone she would have smashed her fist on the table. She really needed to get her subconscious under better control.

"Over-easy would be great – but real easy." Kaidan said and though she just complained about the little voice she had to grin triumphantly. She tried to hide that smile with stuffing more food into her mouth, when he slowly walked over to the table. "May I?" he asked while he pointed to the chair across from her. Shepard shrugged, though moments later she wished she had told him to sit somewhere else. He made her feel uneasy and so she focused on the little left overs of her food and her coffee.

Rupert shuffled over to them with several plates in his hand. Shepard couldn't help but look up. Yep, that's about what she had expected – six eggs, plenty of bacon and six slices of bread. He had done his homework on the feeding habits of biotics.

"If you need anything else, just let me know," he said before he returned to his work. Kaidan thanked him and started to dig in. Sayen almost had to laugh when she saw the speed at which he was shoveling eggs and bacon into his mouth.

"So... Tuchanka?" he asked before he annihilated another egg. Shepard nodded and put the cup to her lips. "Why Tuchanka? I mean Krogans just don't seem to be the diplomatic types and from what I heard, the planet doesn't have much to offer." He managed to say completely comprehensibly.

"I have business there," she didn't care to elaborate and she wouldn't just act like nothing had happened between them. She quickly glanced at him – or so she had planned but his view caught hers.

"How long do you plan to keep this up?" His words echoed in her ears and she felt anger rise up again.

"I'll keep this up as long as I can't be sure that you are not just an Alliance snitch, and as long as you haven't proven to me that I can trust you." She snarled in a low voice. Her words had been hard and she could see that they had the intended effect. "We'll be there in about one hour thirty, so you might want to finish breakfast, get ready and start writing your report on your first impression." She grinned smugly, stood up, handed her plates to Gardner, got a coffee refill and soon after disappeared in the elevator.

* * *

Before the dust could settle around the landing zone, Shepard had started to move down the stairs. The guard gave her a quick glance and with a nod signaled her that she was free to go.

"I kind of imagined it to be different." Kaidan suddenly said and Grunt laughed roughly.

"Haha – you and me both. I still don't quite see the worth of this rock but it is the home of my people, of my clan. That's good enough for me," the Krogan padded Kaidan on the back with the force of a sledgehammer and then passed him. Shepard couldn't quite suppress a grin when Alenko made a few steps forward to counter the impact.

"Glad you didn't have to experience a Krogan love bite instead?" She chuckled, careful to keep her voice low enough not to provoke anyone. It turned out to be more difficult when she saw the slightly strained expression on his face.

She passed him and followed Grunt through the underground tunnel and up the small hill of debris.

Shepard opened the doors and when they had reached the top she already heard the yowl. She squatted down and clapped her hands together.

"Here Urzy... c'mon boy."

"Careful – here he comes," a Krogan voice sounded from somewhere out of sight.

"Get out of the way!" another yelled.

Kaidan's biotics flared up when he saw something large running towards Shepard. It was instinct... he couldn't help. Suddenly however his adrenaline flooded brain had a slight problem to comprehend what he was seeing and hearing. A huge, white and purplish varren had run over Shepard who was now on her back. The varren was resting his front paws on her stomach but she didn't scream or fight, instead she squeaked and laughed as the animal licked her face.

"Haha... I'm happy to see you too Urz... hehe... stop it." Kaidan's lack of comprehension turned into complete confusion. This varren was large enough to bite off her head, yet his tail was wagging as he licked Shepard's hands and face. This was Tuchanka... wasn't it? The homeworld of the war-loving Krogan... who trained varren for the hunt and battles – if they were not fighting the vicious animals themselves?

While he was in his thoughts, Shepard finally pushed the animal off of herself and got on her feet again. But even then, the varren pressed his body against her legs, squirming happily under her hand scratching his head.

"Who's a good boy" she purred as she continued to pet Urz.

"Shepard!" a familiar voice boomed and when she turned she saw Ratch standing there. She moved over to him and they greeted with a strong handshake. "It's been a while – how have you been?" She didn't notice Kaidan shuffling his feet uncomfortably. The Krogan threw a quick glance at Kaidan before he returned speaking with her. "A new one, huh? He looks a bit edgy." Shepard had to laugh.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. He and I have a past, you see? We used to work together... but things changed and now he doesn't trust me anymore." She smiled sadly.

"He doesn't have a very good instinct, does he? He should follow Urz's example," the Krogan laughed and patted Shepard on the shoulder. "Speaking of Urz – he missed you horribly. Just look at him, lost a few pounds because he didn't want to feed after you left." She bowed down to the varren again.

"What do I have to hear? You big fluffy wuffy... you missed me that badly?" Urz yelped and pressed himself even more against her knees. "Say Ratch, what do varren eat – besides meat?" She asked as she ran her hand in strong circles over the strong body of the animal.

"Hmm – they eat about everything, they're omnivores." He responded and Shepard tilted her head a bit.

"You think they would have problems with human food?" She wondered while she looked down to the varren again who seemed to grin at her. Ratch suddenly laughed loudly and shook his head.

"I see where you are going with this. No, I don't think he'd have a problem with that. You should check with the chief though." A wide smile formed on Shepard's lips.

"I will – right now actually. I have some business to attend to first but I'll be back later," she smiled. She had come to like the Krogan merchant. He was less rude and blunt than most others and he had an enjoyable sense of humor.

With another nod she turned around and started to make her way to the end of the room, the varren following her every step. Kaidan still staring, slightly confused by what he had seen

"I know we are on Tuchanka and surrounded by Krogans... but you can relax a little. We've been here a few times and we are tolerated," she told him. "Oh, and by the way, this is Urz," she pointed to the varren at her side. "And Urzy, this is Kaidan Alenko," she added to the varren. The animal tilted his head as he stared at the Alliance soldier. He didn't growl but neither did he approach him – he just observed. "Hmm... well, I'm sure you'll get used to each other. C'mon you two, time to get to work." She then added joyfully.

* * *

Kaidan couldn't help but be astounded. Those were by far the friendliest words and reaction she had given him since his arrival. He wondered if that was intentional or if the varren had softened her mood. After his initial shock to seeing Shepard being thrown off her feet by Urz, he had enjoyed the almost innocent joy she had displayed. Her giggling and laughing was still sounding in his ears and he wished it would never stop.

"Alenko... what are you waiting for?" he then heard her and looked up. She was standing quite a bit further down the large hall. He pulled himself together and followed her quickly.

"Shepard – it's good to see you again, my friend," he heard a familiar booming voice.

"Good to see you too, Wrex," she answered and they shook hands firmly. It was obvious that they got along well and that their friendship had survived the last years – despite all odds.

"And what do we have here – Kaidan Alenko. Good to see you, boy." He reached out his hand and so did Kaidan. Even after Grunt's slap on back earlier, he had not quite expected the strength of the handshake.

"Wrex... and you're chief now?" The Krogan just laughed and nodded.

"Hard to believe, huh? I miss the fighting and the blood of my enemies on my hands but someone has to pull these so called 'warlords' off their asses. We need change if we want to survive." He said while he stepped back to the stony throne and sat down. "Things improved quite a bit after Grunt underwent the rite. I Suppose it helped all of us," he directed at Shepard again.

"Speaking of help – I brought the supplies. Extra food, thermo clips, medigel and bandages – everything a Krogan in training needs," she grinned and Wrex laughed wholeheartedly.

"That's good news. With less fights among the clans, we have more brawling. Luckily none of them had died... I am hoping it will stay that way." Kaidan listened to them but let his view wander of the barren rock and broken pillars. Once more he began to think about the power of symbols. This planet was little more than a wasteland and not a pleasant place to live. Yet the Krogans seemed drawn to it. He wondered what they saw in the planet. Maybe it was a reminder... or maybe a stability. 'Or maybe it is simply home,' he thought and that made the most sense to him. To have a place to return to was comforting.

"Hey boy – are you listening?" He rushed out of his thoughts and turned around. A moment later he was wondering why he even reacted to it. Wrex laughed lowly. "You are not at your best, are you?" Kaidan smiled wearily and shook his head.

"I'm still working on that," and while he responded he realized that Shepard wasn't anywhere to be seen.

"You didn't even notice her leaving? Don't worry, she is speaking with our Shaman. Shouldn't take long," the Krogan said before he pointed with his head at Alenko a few moments later. "Speaking of long – what took you so long to rejoin her? I expected to see you at Shepard's side during her visits here." Kaidan hesitated to respond.

"It is none of my business but she could have used your help when they took down the Thresher Maw on foot." Wrex added and Alenko's eyes widened with shock.

"They did what?"

"She didn't tell you? When Grunt underwent the Rite of Passage, Shepard and that Drell went with him. Turns out that they were destined to fight a Maw – and they even brought it down. Hasn't happened since my time you see; caused quite a bit of excitement and surprise." Wrex chuckled while Kaidan was just shocked. The attacks of the gigantic worms on different planets had been bad enough – and at those times they had been inside the Mako. To face one of those things on foot... even the very thought sent a shiver through his body.

"How the hell did they survive?" he wanted to know and Wrex shrugged.

"I don't know the details – you'll have to ask them yourself but usually taking down a Maw is all about running, dodging and shooting. They had only minor injuries which was impressive. Then again... the whelp could do with some scars." Kaidan only listened with one ear.

Shepard had been on Akuze and he was still convinced that she had been traumatized back then. He remembered how she stiffened when they had encountered their first Thresher Maw while exploring some remote planet. He and Garrus had been able to take over the Mako and shoot the thing down – but it had been close. And even in the future, every time one of those ugly things had pushed its head through the surface, she had changed and he had seen the panic in her eyes. He could scarcely imagine what must have gone through her head when she was forced to face one on foot.

"How was she when that was over?" he asked slowly, his eyes shifting back to the Krogan.

"She was a bit pale and shaky – can't blame her, those things cause the closest feeling I have to fear... I think. You don't last through more than one or two spits – the acids melts the armor, so you have to get rid of it. And if you don't get rid of it in time... well, let's say there is a reason only a handful of us actually killed one of them during the given time. Others survive but they focus on dodging until it is lured away. Much easier." Kaidan was shocked by the serenity and pride in his voice. He knew that the traditions and ceremonies of the Krogan were much more violent... but Shepard had been part of that and the simple thought that she had been facing a Thresher Maw without a vehicle or building to protect her, scared the hell out of him.

"Ok, this is going to drive me crazy" Kaidan finally moaned. "Everyone seems to put her at an extreme risk... even Shepard herself. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle," he said more to himself than to the chief, but Wrex laughed deeply.

"It's no life if you don't take risks. Besides – it's Shepard we're talking about. She has a destiny, a great one and she's actually trying to keep up with it instead of running from it. I'll tell you one thing though – she can't do it alone. People like her try to carry the weight of everyone's problems on their shoulders... and Shepard does so in a very literal way. People like her will try to put everyone at ease, even if they start to crumble under the weight of their responsibilities. And that is why she needs a group of close friends that will work in the shadows, helping and supporting her without drawing attention." He gave Kaidan a very intense look. "That's why you returned – no matter what kept you before." It was... creepy to see the old Krogan smile and yet, at the same time he felt reassured.

"It'll be difficult to not draw her attention... " he sighed. Why the hell did he feel comfortable enough to speak to Wrex, of all people, about the things that bothered him? "She has an eye on me, because she doesn't trust me. And somehow I have the feeling that any attempt of me to help her – will just backfire. Hell, she's probably going to tag me as Alliance spy and have me spaced."

"Well, boy, are you? A spy? Or are you her... 'friend'." Wrex asked with a smug grin and Kaidan shuddered at the disturbing expression.

"I see where you are going. Thanks, Wrex, who would have thought that you'd turn out to be my therapist?" Kaidan answered with an honest smile. He actually felt relieved after this little talk with the old Krogan.

"Don't worry about it – just one warrior helping out the other." Wrex said and with that he ended their discussion.

* * *

Shepard's official meeting with Wrex and the Shaman had taken longer than expected but the outcome was good. No matter the breach of traditions, the information she had given to the Krogan Chief had been good enough to convince the other Warlords that a great scale war was coming. It was decided that they would unite under Urdnot for the upcoming battle. Neither Wrex nor Shepard had any doubts that there would be rivalry and internal battles over rights and domination once... if the Reapers were destroyed but that was something for another time.

Kaidan was observing her closely during the meeting, she had felt his eyes on her back but for once she didn't mind. Maybe he finally started to realize that she had not been sitting around as a Cerberus lapdog. She growled at herself... what a ridiculous pun. But maybe the pun had something to do with the decision she had made earlier... she wondered as they finally made their way back to the Shuttle.

They put the few containers in the small storage space and after that sat down. Shepard grinned for a moment before she rose her hand for a good-bye to Wrex and then they were on their way.

"You think I should warn the crew? It shouldn't be dangerous, Mordin said there were no diseases or anything," she suddenly asked. Grunt shrugged his shoulders.

"You're the Captain, they'll have to accept it one way or another," he stated his opinion and so her eyes shifted to Kaidan.

"I... it might be a good idea. It could scare some of them but it's your decision really," he said while looking at her. She leaned back and thought about it for a moment before she established a com link to the Normandy.

"Joker – I have a small announcement to make," she informed her pilot while she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Aye, aye Commander, just say the word," Joker responded. She bit her lips, trying to come up with the right words but it was difficult with Kaidan staring at her. She checked the time – only a few more minutes before they'd reach the Normandy.

"Alright, put me through," she had decided to get it out of the way. Once the link was established she took one more deep breath before she spoke to the crew.

"Shepard here – I'm glad to inform you all that our effort has been rewarded. The resonance of the Krogans has been positive and we will have their support in the upcoming battle." She paused for a moment – knowing her crew was probably cheering and yelling at this very moment. "There's also a new... crew member with us. Despite the first impression, he is very friendly and docile, and is rather harmless unless provoked. Do not be alarmed by the appearance of Urz. Maybe it will be easier if you consider him our...mascot. If you find yourself having troubles with him, please inform me. We will arrive on the Normandy shortly. Shepard out." She leaned back again and closed her eyes, letting her hand run over the strong skull of the varren.

"Erm... Commander, what's this about?" Joker asked after he had shut out the rest of the ship. An impish smile formed on her face.

"Don't worry, you'll see in a few."

* * *

Kaidan looked at Shepard as she sat there, her lips forming that satisfied grin. He had been surprised that she had actually told him to come along, after all he had just joined her crew yesterday- and they did not have the best start this morning. " _I'll keep this up as long as I can't be sure that you are not just an Alliance snitch..." _her words had been like kicks below the belt. While he had sat there in silence, forcing the food down, he realized though that he had done the same before. The difference was of course, that he was indeed part of the Alliance and that he was also here to observe the progress... she on the other hand had never really been part of Cerberus. The guilt was weighing heavily on his shoulders and he wished he could just tell her that. But he also knew the time wasn't right, yet. He still had to prove himself, whether he liked it or not. He was called away from his thoughts when he felt something on his knee.

"Looks like you've made a friend, Alenko," Grunt chuckled and Kaidan quickly realized that it was Urz' heavy head on his leg. He quickly looked up to Shepard again, afraid that he would find a disapproving glare from her but instead he thought he could make out a very light smile.

Even though varren had those fish like eyes, Kaidan couldn't deny that this specimen seemed to be able to express himself well. He ran his hand over the smooth skin of Urz' nose and the varren closed his eyes half way – clearly enjoying it.

"If you ever want help look after him..." he started and glanced up to Shepard for a few seconds "I'd be happy to help." He meant it. Life in the military and of course on the different space stations had never offered much opportunity to have a pet – and maybe that was why he had valued the visits to the small farm of his grandparents so much. Life on that piece of land felt genuine... the work honest and self-rewarding. Had he told his grandparents that the dogs in the future might as well have scales, spikes and fish-eyes... they probably would have wondered about his mental health.

"Something amusing you?" Shepard got through to him again and he was startled to realize that he was smiling.

"Just recalling a childhood memory, ma'am," he responded truthfully and he was relieved that they were about to land before she could continue to ask questions. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to her but he would prefer if they could come to terms first.

He observed Shepard when she stepped out of the shuttle and he couldn't help but smile again when he noticed the almost childish excitement she displayed when she went to show Urz his new home.

Kaidan began to wonder if he had really known her so well .. maybe he had missed a lot about her before she had been lost to him. "No matter... this time it will be different," he said quietly to himself before he followed her onto the Normandy.


	11. Joy and Pain

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Some personal issues and events have taken lots of my time and my muse, but I think I am finally starting to come around again. To those that still read my little attempts to entertain - thanks and I hope you can enjoy it._

_Also I want togive a huge thanks and lots of hugs and credits to Nighty, who has been a great friend to me over the last weeks and months. Couldn't have done it without you. __There is also Star who has to be mentioned as a great Beta-Reader, mason of text walls and inspiration._

_Thanks you two!_

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The excited yowls of the varren drowned the shocked shrieks and yells of the crew. Luckily, only a few people were in the cargo hold when they returned – just the usual people doing the maintenance, making sure the shuttle was secured and ready for the next time.

"He's tame, don't worry," Shepard informed her human crew mates as she ran after the varren. "He's friendly... really, just trying to get to know you," she added as the mechanics started to climb onto crates. "Urz... get back here!" Grunt only laughed heartily and shook his head at the scene.

"That's engineering and not the elevator... we really need to work on this..." she groaned as the varren made his way to the engineering bay.

"What the...," Ken gasped, while Gabby pressed herself against wall as if that would protect her from the tail-wagging varren.

"No reason to panic... he's tame," Shepard panted as she finally got a hold on the collar that she had fastened around Urz's thick neck on their way to the ship. As it was, she was now holding him in place as he squirmed with great joy against Gabby's legs, trying to get the attention he clearly thought he deserved as the newest addition to the Normandy.

"Oh... he's the one that kept following you on Tuchanka," Tali observed as she came closer to the small group. _Thank goodness. Somebody that does not scream and run at the mere sight of him, _the voice in the back of Shepard's head sighed with relief.

"Yes, that's him. I adopted him," and she was glad that she could let go of the collar again. Urz trotted over to the Quarian and Tali started to stroke his flank. "That's what I mean... he really isn't dangerous. He's basically just a big puppy and fond of people," she grinned as Urz suddenly turned from Tali to Ken again and tried to get the man to pat his back "... and attention."

Hesitating and clearly nervous, Ken slowly reached down and put his hand on the thick skull of the varren who, in response, yelped with joy and leaned against his legs. Shepard couldn't help but smile – this was a first step.

"I don't know why I always thought they would be slimy – kinda like a fish. The skin is smoother than I thought." He continued to run his fingers over Urz' head, "and it's warmer too," he added with growing enthusiasm. It was enough that Gabby started to breathe normally again and stopped pressing herself against the wall.

"He really won't bite?" she asked shyly and took a careful step towards Ken.

"No, he's really more of a big baby. He likes to play and fool around and sometimes he doesn't quite know just how strong he is but no biting that I know of," Shepard informed her. The petite brunette tried to smile but she couldn't hide the fear that she was still feeling.

"You really don't have to be afraid, Gabby, but you don't have to go and play with him. It's alright; I just wanted to introduce him to the crew... though Urz seems to have a different opinion on how to introduce himself," she said warmly. Shepard's genuine joy seemed to calm the other woman down a bit.

"Did you have him checked, Commander?" Tali wanted to know. Shepard wasn't surprised that she was wondering something like that, after all her people had long been fighting the problems of an immensely weakened immune system.

"I had Mordin do a check. Urz is 100% disease free and healthy!" Shepard exclaimed proudly. She'd be lying if she said that she hadn't grown fond of the varren. Every time she headed to Tuchanka, she had spent some time feeding, playing and training him and every time she left him behind, she thought those big eyes and tilted head would break her heart. Now that she was thinking about it, she realized that after Horizon, she had not taken any friendship or signs of affection for granted. She knew that Garrus and Tali were her friends and so were Joker and Chakwas but the rest... she had her doubts and maybe it was because of those doubts that the clear and honest reaction of Urz were a pleasant difference. When he came running to her, tail wagging, she knew he was happy to see her and he stayed with her even if she didn't feed him right away. It felt good to have someone at her side that would never question her or doubt her motives – even if that friend was a varren.

"Well, you all got to see him and now we'll go and scare Deck 2," Shepard smirked at her engineers. "I can't wait to see what Joker will say!" she added and Ken snorted with amusement.

"Record it!" he said and with a grin Shepard, Kaidan and Urz left the room.

"So you'll just let him go on Deck 2? Won't Joker know about it already?" Kaidan asked while they waited for the elevator.

"No, I told EDI to keep quiet on all levels," she responded with an impish grin and she knelt down next to the varren. "You'll just have to run all the way to the cockpit and find that silly pilot." She scratched Urz' head and he... purred or rather snarled friendly in response. Now Shepard was absolutely sure that it had been the right decision to take the varren along.

The doors opened and Shepard looked at her the newest crew mate again before she smacked him lightly on his behind and sent him exploring Deck 2. The varren didn't wait long and quickly started to make his way out of the elevator. The shrieks and yells told Sayen that the crew had taken notice of Urz and the first soldiers running to the elevator also told her that she was succeeding in scaring Deck 2. She couldn't help but chuckle when she saw the reaction... though she knew it was unfair. The first time she had seen Urz up close, she was impressed and very cautious... that was until he dropped on his front legs and started wagging his tail.

"No need to be afraid, he's a tame varren – the Commander's new pet." Kaidan tried to calm down the crew as best as he could but seeing Shepard's shoulder shake with muffled laughing made it really difficult to stay serious. Eventually he gave up and merely stepped out of the way of the escaping soldiers, only to hear a loud girlish scream followed by cussing and yelling a few moments later.

"What the... get away... help... Shooosh!" Joker yelled and neither Kaidan nor Shepard could hold back their wholehearted laughter.

"Commander... what the hell is this? No... leave me alone! Hey, quit slobbering over my chair. Dammit... this is real leather! Bite me but leave my chair alone... fuck off...!" the pilot yelled as he tried to push the varren away. Urz, of course, considered it as a motivation to play even more with Joker. While he had been yelling and whining, Shepard had staggered under laughter towards the cockpit.

"Urz..." she giggled, holding on to a chair to keep herself from sinking to her knees. "Urz, go easy on him," She clapped her hand on her thigh, trying to get the varren's attention. "C'mon boy." She laughed again as Urz chewed just one more time on the armrest of Joker's seat. While doing so, he looked so adorable that even Kaidan couldn't suppress a low 'awww'. Joker on the other hand continued to pour a stream of curses at the poor animal. It seemed that at some point the slanderous flow of words caught Urz' attention and the varren tilted his head, looking with his big eyes at the pilot. It was absurd enough that even Joker stopped talking.

Some hours later, most of the crew had heard of or met Urz and the first wave of panic had subsided - giving Shepard the time to set up the two litter boxes she had taken along. One was in the cargo hold, the other in her cabin and as Ratch had instructed, she had marked those location with a synthetic scent - imperceptible for the humanoid part of the crew. When she had asked Ratch about that problem, she had expected him to laugh but to her surprise he had given her the instructions and had sold her the litter boxes and by now she was aware that it wasn't such a strange question, especially if one considered how many Krogans had a varren at their side. A little nudge at her side made her look up.

"There you are! This is your new bathroom... so to speak," she said with a smile while she let her hand run over the thick skull of her scaly companion._ We really shouldn't let Thane hear that... could create an interesting jealousy situation!_ Shepard grinned at the thought as she pushed the litter box a bit further into the corner of the cargo hold and before putting her back against the wall and sliding to the ground. She felt tired – very tired. Urz inspected his new toilet once more and then moved over to Shepard and looked at her for a moment before he lay down next to her, his head on her legs.

Shepard also instructed EDI to monitor the reactions of the crew towards the new member on the team. She wanted to avoid panics and she surely wanted to avoid acts of violence that could possible lead to a dead crew mate or varren on her ship.

"Understood, Commander." EDI fell silent for a moment. "You should get some sleep, Shepard. You look exhausted." A bitter grin wandered over Shepard's lips. _Great... so the AI has noticed – makes you wonder how many of the crew have noticed already! _She sighed at those mocking words and rested her head against the wall.

* * *

Over the next few days, Urz had indeed brought some interesting joys and activities to the ship. He was proudly patrolling 'his' ship, checking his new pack, making sure everything was in order and everyone was well. But once his duties were done, he found great joy in being scratched and stroked by the crew that had finally accepted his presence. During the silent hours on the ship, Grunt made it a habit to sneak out and train with the varren, though sometimes it turned into a simple game of ball throwing. The human crew was lucky to be asleep during those hours; otherwise Grunt might have torn off their heads to preserve his honor.

Urz enjoyed all of it and he never lost a word about the bits and pieces he got from Rupert. He cherished the baths he got from Kaidan and he wore the collar of leather and spikes he got from Jack with great pride. He tried to make friends with the screaming pilot. Joker was not very open to the friendship, but he would eventually give in. After all, varren were known for their resilience and persistence. Even less receptive to a friendship was Miranda. She seemed to have problems with forming friendships and bonds with humans, much less with other species and she made it very clear that she didn't want the new four legged guardian around her at any time. Her decision caused a rather humorous situation when her companion felt quite the opposite. Whenever Urz passed Jacob he always received quite a bit of attention and some gentle pats on his back. Such was the new life of Urz, former champion of the pit.

But with all the enjoyment there was, he always returned to the one place that was his new haven, the one place where his mistress and friend was usually greeting him gently. She didn't fight him when he eventually hopped onto the bed and slept at her feet and she didn't push him away when he put his heavy head on her knees while she was working at her desk, instead she let her palm run over his head and back.

* * *

The days had been busy and Shepard had had little time to leave her cabin. How in the world the news of the founding of Last Hope had spread so quickly was beyond her. The number of messages was getting overwhelming even though she could get rid of a lot of them rather quickly. Merc groups who wanted to join them to make some quick credits or to gain some fame. There were also threats and insults from all sorts of people and a lot of them seemed to be convinced that Shepard had simply lost her mind during the last two years of her... absence. Some of the theories concerning her activities during that time were able to carve a smile on her face – despite the stress and frustration.

"I wish I had been doing a lot of those things," she mumbled to herself as she closed one of the messages and deleted it. Urz rose his head in a questioning matter and it got Shepard to laugh as she patted him on the shoulder.

"It's nothing, big guy." She pushed her chair back a bit and looked at her new friend "but how about we get something to eat? I'm sure Rupert has some left overs for us." Urz got up, his tail wagging and ready to go.

They left the elevator a few minutes later but there was nobody in the mess and the light was dimmed. Only a few people sat at their workstations and she realized that she had been working for longer than she had planned. The night-shift had taken over and everyone else seemed to have gone to bed.

"Let's see what we have" she said in a low voice and began to rummage through the food that Gardner had stored for the late shift. She found some roast and casserole. "This is perfect" she said more to herself than to Urz but when he tilted his head she quickly added "Don't worry, I'll share some of the roast with you." One of Urz' unique friendly snarls sealed the deal. She put her own meal on to heat and then placed a bowl for Urz on the floor next to the table. As she rose to her feet again she suddenly noticed a dim light in the medbay. Dr. Chakwas usually shut everything off once she headed to bed and the light was too dim for an emergency. Curiosity killed the hunger, at least for the moment, and she approached the window.

She couldn't see anything at first but then she noticed a slight movement in the corner of the room. She could only see the elbow of a bent arm but it was enough for her to know who it was. One hand would be resting on his forehead, ready to shield his eyes against any possible light. The fact that he was sleeping here and not in his quarters told her that the migraine was a bad one.

There was an urge starting to tear on her insides... she wanted to go to him and see if he was alright. She wanted to run her hand through his hair, wanted to feel the skin of his face, checking if he had a fever or to simply wipe away the thin film of sweat that had formed on his skin. She wanted to put her head on his chest to hear him breathe, to hear his heartbeat and to feel his presence... his warmth. But something was keeping her. Her pride and fear chained her to a spot where she was safe from him. _It's not going to hold forever, you know? That chain will shatter one of these days!_ The little voice told her and for once, Shepard did not argue with it but felt a bit of hope and relief.

But at that point it didn't matter. She loosened her gaze from Kaidan and returned to the waiting food, her stomach thanking her with anticipating grumbles.

* * *

The meds had worn off and the migraine was little more than a bad memory. Ever since Horizon the number of migraines had grown drastically. Seeing her again had had a great impact on him – mentally and physically. It ranged from shaking hands to sudden nausea, bad dreams and waking up in the middle of the night as well as migraines of different levels every other day.

Even after he had seen her again on the Citadel and during the Council meeting, things had not become much better. On the contrary – being aware of their little trip through the Omega-4 Relay had made the nightmares even more colorful and vivid; even if he did know that they made it back alive. His nightmares had reached almost the same intensity of the ones three years ago only that this time, his dreams usually wrapped around her being alive and not being able to reach her.

He remembered the meeting with the Council some days after Shepard had given them all their information. Anderson had suggested getting an Alliance soldier onto Shepard's team, as a contact, a mediator and if absolutely necessary, an informant. Of course there had been a discussion about it. The other councilors were not happy about the role going to the Alliance but Anderson had convinced them. He knew that Shepard would remain a soldier and she had been in the Alliance long enough to know how things worked. Once the others agreed, a discussion started on who should be sent and without realizing that he had even opened his mouth, Kaidan had volunteered. He had been dismissed shortly after that so that the Council could discuss the matter further. Some hours later, Anderson had called and informed him that he had been chosen as the Alliance's contact on Normandy. Once that information had sunken into his conscious, he had spent a good thirty minutes emptying his stomach. The nervousness and stress of the last few weeks had demanded their toll.

And now he was here. He suddenly realized that ever since he had arrived, his migraines had actually gone down in frequency and this one had been the first that demanded medical treatment. But it was gone now and he was hoping that he would be able to catch a few more hours of sleep in his quarters. He sat up slowly and made his way off the bed and out of the medbay. The light in the mess was dimmed and when he was about to move on, he saw someone. It was late and he wondered who couldn't sleep, so he walked over to the tables.

It was Shepard who sat at the table, with Urz resting peacefully at her feet, an empty bowl next to him. When Kaidan approached, the varren lifted his head just a little to see who he was. Once he recognized Alenko, he returned to his comfortable state of dozing. Shepard had not moved at all and so Kaidan was sure that she had fallen asleep. He moved a bit to the side and noticed an empty plate and two datapads next to her. She had placed her left elbow on the table, her head resting in her left hand, her eyes closed and her lips slightly parted.

Even now, as she was sleeping, she looked exhausted. The dark shadows around her eyes seemed to have become a natural part of her face. She had had them on Horizon already, but they didn't have the same dark shade. Her pale skin didn't do anything to lessen the intensity – on the contrary. He'd be lying if he said that he hadn't been fascinated by the ivory color.

He remembered how it had intrigued and excited him to watch her pale hand wander over his own tanned skin and he remembered how happy he had felt when she had grabbed his hand for the first time – her white fingers intertwined with his own. Everything had gone well then... but it was only a sad memory now... like all the things of the past. Even though, when he was standing right next to her, she seemed outside his reach.

Oh, not literally of course – he knew he could touch her, could run the tip of his finger over her soft lips. He knew he could comb those streaks out of her face or rest his hands on her shoulders, gently massaging her neck with his thumbs but even if she would allow it... it would not be the same. As long as they both continued to keep the walls up that they had created since that fateful day... things would never be the same again.

But for now he would let her sleep. She'd probably be angry if she knew he was watching her and she would probably be even angrier if she knew what he had been thinking about.

The night shift would end soon and he wanted to get a bit more sleep. He had started to leave the mess when someone suddenly crossed his path.

"Morning, Commander" Rupert greeted him cheerfully. Before Kaidan could signal him to be quiet, Rupert had already thrown a small bag with supplies towards the kitchen. The noise of the bag landing on the counter was quickly followed by another loud bang, this time coming from the mess. They turned around and could see how Shepard lifted her head from the table, a long list of curses escaping her lips. The sudden noise had caused her to jump and without the support of her hand, her head had made an uncomfortable touchdown onto the table.

"I... I'm sorry, Commander, I didn't know you were sleeping" Gardner apologized over and over again but Shepard shook her head carefully, telling him that it was alright. Kaidan did his best to hide his amusement and he was surprised when Shepard didn't glare at him. Instead an ever so light smile formed on her lips for a moment.

"How's your migraine?" She wanted to know and he was startled. He didn't know that she had taken notice of his stay in the medbay.

"Gone – thank you, ma'am. But I think I should try to get another hour of sleep."

"Yeah, you do that. I'll try to get some coffee from Mr. Gardner to soothe my own headache now." While he was surprised at her friendly words, he didn't want to press his luck and so he simply nodded and left for his quarters.


	12. Deck 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.**

_Author Note: Some personal issues and events have taken lots of my time and my muse, but I think I am finally starting to come around again. To those that still read my little attempts to entertain - thanks and I hope you can enjoy it._

_Oh, and as odd as it may seem, I dedicate the creation of the 'BBF' to Star, who had to go through a lot with me. It's meant as a 'thank you', not an insult!  
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Time has the tendency to fly if there is a lot to do and so two weeks had already passed since the incident in the mess. During that time, Shepard had taken Kaidan along on several missions and diplomatic encounters but there had been little contact outside of those occasions.

She usually started working on the reports right after they had returned to the ship and once she was done, there was always something else to do. Old information had to be updated and sorted, messages had to be answered, contacts had to be established and so on and so forth. Now they were on their way to check some coordinates they had dug up in a merc base. The data describe the location of an abandoned mine which was used by Blue Suns as weapon depot. It would come in handy; either to upgrade their own armory or to bring in some credits. The only problem was that they had no idea what to expect ground side. As she tried to come up with a useful tactical approach, the hated feeling of nausea came over. She had felt it a lot lately, some stomach twisting and turning but she had usually succeeded in keeping it under control – but not this time. She dropped the datapad, jumped up, almost stumbled over Urz who was resting at her feet and got the bathroom as fast as she could.

The first wave caused her to retch severely... but it wasn't until the next wave that she threw up. It felt as if her body was about to be torn apart when her stomach revolted.

* * *

Shepard's skin was approaching an unhealthy white, only her face was flushed, a reaction to the four times she'd vomited in the last hour. She felt horrible... not only physically but also because she had confronted Dr. Chakwas continuously with the former content of her stomach. The worst thing about all of it was though, that she had to admit that she needed help and it was certainly something she would have preferred to avoid.

Sure, the reconstruction might have something to do with it, but I do not believe it is responsible for your current condition, Commander. Have you had any contact with Batarians lately?" the Doctor asked. After a moment of thinking Shepard nodded. What she did not mention was, that her last contact with Batarians had been looting their corpses.

"Hmm – that'd at least explain how you got in contact with the 'Batarian Blitz Flu'," the gray haired woman said as she removed the metal bowl from Shepard's hands. "However, I'd like to point out that this specific disease usually only effects subjects in a weakened state. So maybe you understand now, why I told you weeks ago to take it easy, Commander?"

"I don't have time to take it easy, Doc," Shepard responded wiping the paper towel over her lips. She was sitting on one of the sickbeds, dressed in only sweatpants and a t-shirt. When her illness struck she'd had no time to change. She hadn't even had time to put on her boots.

"You will have to take the time. Your general condition is becoming dangerous – not only to yourself but to everyone else. Your concentration is suffering as well as your reaction time," Dr. Chakwas' said firmly.

It was true and Shepard knew it. Ever since Kaidan had arrived on the Normandy though, her desire to share her workload with others had crumbled. It was probably just some sort of childish defiance – mixed with a newly rediscovered paranoia, but she wanted to give as little information to Kaidan and the Alliance as she could- no that wasn't quite right. It was rather that she wanted to personally choose the information that should reach them and that only worked if she had an eye on everything.

"You need to leave personal matters out of it this time and listen to my advice as chief medical officer of this ship. I'm starting to doubt your ability to judge clearly, Commander." This was one of the few times that Shepard had seen the doctor lose her patience. She felt conflicted by the doctor's words – of course Chakwas was right. As Commander she had compromised her mission and the crew because of personal feelings. What was wrong with her? It had to stop – soon.

"I just need a bit longer – a few days, maybe a week or two until we get the deal with..." she stopped as it became apparent the Doctor wasn't listening and clearly didn't care about Shepard's agenda.

"No, that's not good enough. I, as chief medical officer, can relieve you of command due to safety protocol regulations, Commander. Do I really need to execute Code Eta?"

"What? You wouldn't... this is _my_ ship!" Shepard nearly yelled in anger and frustration. She clenched her fists... until another wave of nausea rushed through her.

"Oh, I would, Commander. If it is for your own good and that of the entire crew. You take a few days off to sleep, eat and relax, so you'll get at least rid of the flu. After that, I will examine you again, making sure you are fit to for duty." The Commander's quick glare didn't change anything – on the contrary, it got the doctor to smile gently.

"I'd like to give you something that will ensure that you get some hours of sleep, as well as some antibiotics to help your body deal with the flu. Once you wake up again, I want you to take a long shower, eat and then, if possible, get some more sleep. The more you rest and the more food you can keep in, the better. It'll help your body to regain its strength and with a bit more antibiotics, the 'BBF' will trouble you not much longer. Once your physical condition has improved and I deem your fit enough, you can return to work... as long as you reduce your workload."

Shepard suddenly felt an urge to do horrible things to her medical chief officer, but as she caught the expression on the doctor's face, she sighed in resignation and nodded. She wouldn't be able to keep going like this.

"Good, then it is settled." Dr. Chakwas turned to one the cabinets, preparing the injections. "Can we get started? The first shot will be against the flu, the second will be the sedative." Once the Commander nodded in agreement, the doctor administered the medications.

Shepard rubbed her fingers over the spot on her arm where the needles had penetrated the skin. She wasn't afraid of needles but ever since she had seen some of the pictures from Project Lazarus, she was wary and weary of them.

While she had been busy staring at the injection marks, the doctor had turned around and began speaking to someone. When she looked up, she could see Kaidan standing close to the door. She had not even noticed him entering the room.

"Commander Alenko, would you be so kind and make sure that the Commander gets to her private quarters safely? I've given her a rather strong sedative and it'll start working quickly."

"I don't need help," she hissed and energetically jumped off the sickbed, regretting it instantly when she felt a bit light headed. Squinting her eyes once, she started walking.

"Kaidan, just make sure she gets there alright. A charging Krogan is nothing compared to the effect of the sedative I gave her." Kaidan nodded at the doctor and quickly followed Shepard. He didn't touch her but only watched as she headed slowly towards the elevator.

Once the doors closed, an impish smile crossed the doctor's lips.

"I told you things would eventually fall into place, Shepard – even if they need a bit of help every now and then." Upon finishing the sentence a small laugh came over the intercom.

"Don't you think he'll figure it out – or both of them?" Joker sounded genuinely curious.

"No, at least not for a while. In some situations, love can defy any logical thinking" she replied and both of them chuckled knowingly.

* * *

"I don't need your help," Shepard told Kaidan. She spoke to him directly this time, her voice sounding heavy.

"Good. I'm just walking in the same direction, ma'am." He shrugged his shoulders. Kaidan wasn't sure just how much the meds had unfolded their effects on her yet, so he did his best to tread lightly. He just continued to follow her, ready to act if she was to lose balance.

They had almost reached the elevator when Shepard suddenly made a dangerously large step to the side. When he realized that she would smash into the wall he moved his arm in between the ship and her body.

When she didn't fight him as he directed her into the elevator, he was surprised but it was nothing compared to what happened next. She didn't move away from him once the doors closed, instead she leaned her entire body against his, causing his heart to race in his chest. When he was able to glance at her face he noticed her half closed eyes.

"I hate you..." she breathed, her voice barely audible and his heart's racing turned painful.

"I know," he responded without hesitation. It was the drugs speaking, he knew it but it didn't matter. If it helped her... them to get somewhere, everything was permitted. "I'll make it right... somehow" he kept his voice low – unsure if he wanted her to hear it or if he was just trying to convince himself.

"You can do nothin'... you'll just leave again, turn your back-on-me..." her words cut into him like a blade. He could hear the pain in her voice but on the same hand he felt an utter relief. The one question that had been gnawing away at him was finally answered... she still cared, no matter what she said or how she acted. He gently put his arm around her to keep her in place but also because he needed to show her – needed to make her feel that he was there.

"Not this time... this time things will be different" It was a whispered promise.

"We'll see...," were her last words just before her body became heavier in his arms. The sedative had finally taken its full effect – keeping her from standing on her own and he realized just how strong the sedative was. Chakwas' description had been quite accurate and it was obvious why she had sent him along.

Shepard wouldn't make it any farther on her own so he pulled her arm around his neck and with a smooth movement pushed his own arm under her knees to pick her up. Her face was resting against his right shoulder and he wasn't sure if he was supposed to hold his breath or to let out a deep sigh. This wasn't supposed to be romantic, this wasn't supposed to quicken his heartbeat. It was his duty to look after her, yet he couldn't help but revel in the sensation of her warm body against his. Simply knowing that she was close to him and that he was able to take care of her sent a shiver through him.

A few moments later, EDI informed him that he'd had been given access to Shepard's cabin as well as the com link in case of emergencies. She also told him that Dr. Chakwas wanted him to stay with Shepard for a while and that she would contact him later.

"Understood – though, you are able to monitor her condition, aren't you? Why do you need me? " He had wondered before just how much the AI really knew.

"I could monitor her vitals, however Commander Shepard has demanded that I do not monitor her private quarters at any time. With all surveillance deactivated, this task requires manual observation." Kaidan was actually relieved. To hear that he would not be watched for a while was a nice change, especially since he had the feeling that Shepard had made sure that he was under extra tight watch the rest of the time. He would have done the same in her case, he had to admit.

"Very well, I'll stay put," he said in confirmation and EDI logged him out. Only a few moments later they arrived on Deck 1 and Kaidan carried Shepard into her room. It was the first time that he was there, and he understood that this room was one of the very few places of refuge she had left. A soft yowl brought his attention to Urz, who lay stretched out over the bed. The varren lifted his head, alerted by the sound of the opening door and watching them as they crossed the room. An amused smile crossed Kaidan's lips.

"Make some room," he told the varren and was surprised when Urz actually moved aside. The varren sniffed at Shepard. "She's alright, just needs some sleep, so be a good boy and give her some space." The big round fish eyes made the varrens appear dimwitted, but Kaidan had the feeling that Urz actually understood or at least sensed what he was saying. The animal gently nudged Shepard with his big nose and then jumped off the bed just to lie down in front of it, keeping its eyes on the two humans.

Kaidan rested his foot on the bed, shifting the weight of Shepard's body on his knee as he used his free hand to move the blanket aside. As soon as he was done, he tried to lay her on on the bed but her arm kept holding on to him. He could barely describe the emotions it stirred up inside of him even if it was probably just instinct.

Moments later and with all possible care he managed to put Shepard down, placing her on the bed, her arms at her sides.. He rested his hands on hers for some seconds... it had been so long since he had touched her. Finally he forced himself to let go... no matter how much he wanted to hold her, this wasn't the right way to do it. So he pulled the blanket over her, tucking her in slightly. He hesitated... but then withdrew, stepping away from the bed.

He took a few deep breaths and eventually decided to have a look around; after all, he'd be waiting here for a while. He hadn't even noticed the large fish tank when he first came in. The fish seemed well fed and swam around vividly. It was a relaxing view – hypnotic to some extent. He could see Shepard indulging in the view after a long day of work.

Turning again he saw her personal desk. There was no work station, just a lamp, some reports and a picture of three people. He recognized a younger version of Sayen right away, though what startled him most was that she was in civilian clothes. He had to chuckle to himself – what a strange world he lived it when seeing her in jeans and a blouse would surprise him.

It had to be a family picture. The woman next to Sayen had the same eyes and the same lips and smile, while the man to her right had the same dark red hair and nose. It struck him that all the time he had never really thought much about Shepard and her family. Of course he had known that Hannah Shepard was a decorated Officer in the Alliance military but he had never actually thought about them in terms of being family. She never spoke about her father... and Kaidan wondered if he was alive or dead.

Either way, it just had never crossed his mind that the Shepards had probably cherished every moment they had together. As a military family, the chances for them to get together must have been rare. What would they do together, he wondered and all sorts of things crossed his mind: maybe they had liked to go to museums, or watch a movie together; maybe they had liked to ride on horseback or a bike back on earth. Once more he began to understand that he didn't know Shepard as well as he would like and he began to regret it.

Maybe it would have been easier or better if he had contacted her parents after the explosion of the Normandy – if he had told them a bit about their daughter or maybe even heard a few stories of Sayen's childhood. Why had he never thought about it?

But there was little point to dwell on the past like this. Maybe this time he would get the chance to discover Shepard all new again. He really wanted to and he continued his exploration of Shepard's haven until his eyes fell on a helmet . He was... shocked by the sight. It looked like the helmet he had last seen her in just before the destruction of the Normandy. The material was scarred and the helmet just looked used and worn. He reached out and let the tips of his fingers wander over it; the sensation was... strange. Maybe it felt so different because this might just be the helmet she took her last breath in... a death-mask of some sort.

At first he couldn't comprehend why she would have kept it. It seemed like a rather morbid reminder of the past. He swallowed hard. Exactly – it was a reminder of the past. He kept forgetting that Shepard had lost two years and it made sense that she held on to things that she could remember, things that were real to her. A little smile settled on his face... she had held on to him in the elevator. Moments later he shook his head at his own foolishness. It had been instinct – nothing else, he had to keep that in mind and he finally pulled his hand away from the helmet. He'd have to ask her about it one of these days.

The collection of model ships caught his attention next and a wave of nostalgia washed over him when he saw the small version of the original Normandy among them. It was where everything had started. It was where he had met people that he had called friends – some of them even came close to being family. And of course that's where he had been introduced to _her_.

He had never really considered Shepard to be sentimental - passionate yes but not sentimental. While catching up with his thoughts, he had walked around the display and came to the workstation. There was an empty cup, a whole stack of datapads, a thermo clip, some armor upgrades, Urz' original collar and another picture frame. His curiosity drove him on and as soon as he was close enough, the pictured activated.

A small gasp escaped him; it was unexpected to see his own face and he quickly glanced over at the sleeping Shepard. He hadn't disturbed her, but it was instinct to check. Quickly returning his attention to the object in front of him, he started to wonder when the picture had been taken; he didn't recognize it. He turned Shepard's chair around and sat down, still looking at the picture. It wasn't about narcissism – it was about the simple fact that she had his picture on her desk and when he moved a bit closer, the change of light made the fingerprints on the frame and his digital face visible.

He felt his throat tightening and his eyes burned but he wouldn't cry – not here and now. It was just all a bit overwhelming – her words in the elevator, the closeness and warmth of her body and the picture all served as proof that she had never forgotten about him. But all those wonderful things were overshadowed by a growing guilt. He had turned his back on her... twice and both times were in her greatest hours of need. How could he possibly make up for that?

He was distracted from his grief when he felt something wet running over his hand. He jumped but quickly realized that it was only Urz, who had come over and had started licking his hand. Kaidan couldn't explain it but the presence of the varren lessened the pain a bit and so he leaned down, patting Urz' sides and head. Somewhat to Kaidan's surprise, the animal sat down and they just stared at each other for a moment.

"You'll help me keep her safe, won't you?" he asked in a whisper and immediately Urz seemed to agree with a low yowl.


	13. Observing

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.  
**

_Author Note: This is my first attempt to publish some FanFiction. Having my previous works read by someone who clearly did not belong to the addressed group, didn't turn out too well. Finally I found the guts to give it another try... well here it is. Be gentle with your judgment - but also honest. Thanks for reading._

_Also many thanks to the reviews and hints for improvement - they have been appreciated.  
_

_Warning: Rated M - While some of the chapters will not contain any material that is unsuitable for children under the age of 16 – other chapters will contains sexually explicit material as well as the description of violence and battle. Please take this into consideration._

_Explanation: The story takes place after the events of Mass Effect 2 and thus will contain possible spoilers._

_Shortly after succeeding and surviving the suicide mission, Shepard had returned to the Citadel for a quick stop before she headed off to the Omega-Station to grant her crew some shore leave. While most of them are looking forward to the free time, Shepard is still fighting the demons of her past, especially those that remind her of the current emotional mess between herself and her former LT. Kaidan Alenko._

_Thanks to Star and Night for the help and the betaing! And an extra hug for Night for being a wonderful friend to me. Don't know what I'd do with you by now!  
_

* * *

It was hard to breathe... she couldn't fill her lungs with enough air and instantly she panicked. Suddenly she was dying out in space again but this time she wouldn't give up. She began to struggle, waving her arms to the sides, trying to find something to hold on to, something that could help her to get away from the threatening space. She caught on to something and when she hit the button for the kinetic barrier there was a... puffing? Only moments later the kinetic barrier growled. Shepard finally managed to open her eyes.

She was in her bed on the Normandy, her bedsheets wrapped tightly around her. She laughed with relief... it had only been a dream. What a stupid way to wake up... but at least it turned out to be harmless.

Urz was pushed half way off the bed and seemed to pout at her, just before he hopped off the bed completely and trotted out of her cabin. She'd have to teach the varren to stay on the left side or at the foot of the bed. Closing her arms around her pillow, she quickly dozed off again.

When Shepard slowly opened her eyes again, it was the first time in weeks she felt rested. Stretching her arms, she turned onto her side and yawned. Urz had not returned so she actually had the room to spread out over the entire bed. Her gaze focused on the clock on the nightstand. Moments later she sat straight up in bed, her eyes wide open. _How the hell could it be this late and how the hell did I get into bed in the first place?_

Lowering her head, she massaged her temples, trying to organize her thoughts – what was the last thing she remembered? She had sorted her mail and then – yes, she had become sick and ended up in medbay. Shepard froze as she remembered what came next and she carefully lifted her head again, looking around. Luckily, she was alone.

With a sigh she fell back onto the pillows. Kaidan had followed her to the elevator and then came the fateful moment when weakness had overcome her. Even in her drugged state she had realized that she was suddenly in his arms. While her head was screaming for her to pull away, her body and her heart urged her to stay in his arms. It was the sedative that had the final word and without a choice – she had to remain in his arms. With her pride hurt deeply, all her mind could come up with was to spew vile comments at him. She hadn't been able to stop herself from saying those three words 'I hate you'... and now she regretted it. No matter what had happened, he did not deserve that – especially since it wasn't true.

Turning onto her stomach she tried to doze off again but to no avail. She suddenly noticed two data-pads on her nightstand which she didn't remember putting there. Curious, she reached for them and as she dropped them on the pillow beside her, a little note slid out from between them. She was astounded. She couldn't remember the last time she had received a handwritten note.

_Shepard,_

_I hope you're feeling better. I thought it looked like you needed some rest.  
Although I understand you're not supposed to be working,__I hoped that you_  
_would be able to take a quick look at my reports before I submit them.  
I hope you understand that I wouldn't bother you, particularly at this time,  
but the Alliance Command is demanding an update. Please let me know if  
__everything is in order or if you think some changes need to be made._

_Kaidan_

She stared at the note. His handwriting was elegant and easy to read and the message thoughtful and diplomatic. While she was pretty sure the reports were fine - Kaidan was a professional after all - she appreciated his acknowledgment of the chain of command.

Turning onto her back again she began to think. She'd have to come up with an apology somehow... or did she? Oh, this was all just way too confusing.

Shepard sighed – why did it have to be so difficult to swallow one's pride? Why did everything have to be so complicated? Before she could even come up with a possible answer, she couldn't help but laugh. What would the people say if they knew that the famous Commander Shepard – first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel, dead, resurrected and busy preparing a war against a seemingly overwhelming enemy, was stuck in bed because of a simple flu – and even worse, that she was incapable to say just the right words to the one man that meant the world to her. She buried her face in the pillows. _You're pathetic_... the little voice in the back of her head told her and Shepard had to agree.

About two hours later, she had followed Dr. Chakwas' instructions – at least to the extent that she remembered. She had taken a long, hot shower and when she was done she slipped into clean sweatpants and a fresh shirt and decided that it was time to extinguish her hunger.

On her way out, she picked up the data-pads. Of course her previous assumptions had been right. The reports were nearly perfect. Kaidan had kept them short and precise, giving only as much information on the ship, the crew, Shepard and the missions as absolutely necessary. She wanted to trust him – trust in him but she couldn't just get over the fear that he would betray her again – or just leave her behind once more.

As she turned to leave, her eyes lingered on the handwritten note on her nightstand again. Maybe, considering everything that had happened – maybe this really was the turn of the tide – maybe he really did try to become a part of things again. The thought sent a delightful shiver down her back.

Entering the mess, she realized that It was dinner time and most tables were taken. She took a few moments to watch her crew and she enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere. There was talking and laughing and deep conversations and the sharing of pictures among the crew. Little things like this gave her strength because they represented something that was worth preserving. Then she noticed Kaidan who was sitting separated from the crew at the end of one of the tables. And though he sat with his back to her – she could only think that she looked so lonely.

Quietly she made her way to Rupert and after they exchanged a few words, she took her food tray and slowly walked over to the half empty table. For some reason walking into a den full of wild varren or even facing a Thresher Maw seemed like an easy task compared to this. Her hands were sweaty and her stomach full of butterflies. And then she was standing next to him – looking into those dark eyes of his and that very moment, she was finding herself at a loss for words. The fact that he didn't say anything either didn't help. She felt the heat of a blush rushing to her cheeks and nodded at the chair across from him.

"Is that seat free or are you waiting for someone?" she finally said with a lopsided grin. He tilted his head a bit, quickly looking down under the table before he shook it.

"Seems like Urz left for his evening patrol, so the seat is all yours," he replied. Shepard's grin broadened a bit at his joke and she sat down with her dinner.

"How are you feeling?" She would never admit it but just hearing his voice meant a great deal to her.

"Better. Who would have thought that sleeping more than four hours could work such miracles?" She took the first bite of her dinner and despite keeping her eyes focused on her meal, she could feel his eyes on her.

"Good, I'm glad to hear it." He smiled shyly at her before returning his attention back to the data-pad in front of him.

"What are you reading?" she asked and without intending to, her tone sounded harsh. She was so used to being on edge around him that she just couldn't help to be cautious even now. She decided to be honest with him.

"Sorry – I... it's just not easy for me to get used to changes. It never has been." She laughed softly "I haven't even thanked you for looking after me." Their eyes met and after a moment they could see the sadness and pain and fear stirring inside the other... and beneath all of it there was a silent longing.

"Thank you." She finally found the courage to say at least a few of the things that were on her mind. "Thank you for staying with me... despite what I said." Their eyes remained locked and her heart jumped a bit when she noticed he was blushing slightly.

"Don't mention it, ma'am," he mumbled and this time she couldn't help but laugh.

"Drop the ma'am, will you? No matter what happened – I think we're way passed that." This time she made sure that her voice did not sound sharp.

"I suppose you are right" he answered and while she had the feeling that he wanted to add something, she didn't press him on it.

"So, what are you reading?" The attempt to avoid the awkward silence worked out nicely because he pointed at the data-pad.

"It's a bunch of data on the ship and it is simply amazing. I mean, on the old Normandy, I was sure that I would never get to see anything that could possibly surpass her... and here it is..." the awe in which he spoke about the ship was something Shepard could relate to some extent – even if she preferred the fine tech and mechanics of a gun.

"I know what you mean. When I saw her the first time... I couldn't quite believe it either. I admit I prefer the comfort of the SR-2. It's nice to be able to move around without constantly bumping into someone." A moment after she had said it she had to bite her lips or else she would have grinned foolishly. _You really have a way with words. You enjoyed 'bumping' into him on your old ship- _With a little luck he wouldn't take it the wrong way and to give him as little chance as possible to think about what had just been said, she simply continued to talk.

"One of the great improvements is the adaptability we find throughout the ship. We changed and modified a lot of parts before we went through the O4-Relay. You've seen the main gun." He nodded and she was glad to see his eyes light up. She wondered how many normal talks he had had on the ship ever since he arrived. She had not set a very good example for the crew by treating him the way she had. By keeping her discussions short and by distancing herself from him they had probably assumed she wanted him to be avoided.

"But don't think that Cerberus provided us with such a monster of a gun. It was Garrus who came up with the idea that we should get something better than the Javelins. Don't ask me how he did it, but he got his hands on the prints for a Thanix Cannon and once we could afford it he built and integrated it into the systems. The calibration took him days but it was worth it." This was true – she had never asked Garrus how the hell he got his hands on the construction plans for the Thanix.

"You must have felt the effect on the entire ship – the sheer force behind it." He was honestly excited and his energy brought a smile to her face.

"While the gun was heating up, it felt like the entire ship was vibrating ever so slightly... and then there was a small physical jolt when it fired" she could almost feel it again – how it had been when they finally showed the Collectors' their teeth. "It was... unbelievable."

Sayen Shepard closed her eyes for a few moments. Her memories of that battle always filled her with all sorts of emotions. She remembered just how afraid she had been that the cannon would not be enough; that the battle would just be a repetition of the past and how it was replaced by the sudden wave of euphoria as the cannon ripped a hole in the Collectors' ship.

"Sorry, I drifted off for a moment. It is a very... vivid memory," she told him, noticing the slightly worried look on his face. She remembered that expression and recognized it right away. "But honestly, the weapon was only half the story. If we hadn't upgraded the armor of the ship..."

She couldn't really say how long she had been talking with Kaidan about his reports, about tech and upgrades, missions and minor information when Dr. Chakwas eventually called her in for a checkup. Kaidan told her to go unless she wanted to risk being sedated again and for a first time she stepped away from him with an genuine smile on her lips.

The stop in the medbay didn't take long but when everything was done, Shepard returned to her quarters. She was greeted by Urz who wagged his tail wildly and once she had satisfied the varren's need for attention she hopped on her bed. Urz followed and after a small battle Shepard had wrestled him to the end of the bed before she fell cuddled herself into her blanket.

She felt as ease, knowing that she had made the first steps to break the walls that separated Kaidan and her. It wasn't done yet but she was determined to make it work – before they'd finally face the Reapers.

* * *

It had only been three days since Shepard had sat across from him in the mess and yet Kaidan could feel the internal change that lifted his spirits and at the same time calmed him. Meditation became easier and he could train longer before he was drained and of course the always present voice of hope became louder.

He was divided between his longing to spend time with her and the desire to take his time so it would be turn out right this time. The fact that Shepard had spent most of her time in her cabin – as ordered by the doctor as he had found out – worked for him... or did it? He wanted her to feel better of course but he wanted to be with her at the same time.

Today however, would be different. Dr. Chakwas had cleared Shepard and it was just in time. Today, they would head into battle. Kaidan took a deep breath as he made his way to the armory to meet Shepard, Thane and Garrus.

The atmosphere was tense - almost electric as he entered the room and he quickly let the information on the mission run through his head again. They were about to go planet side and clean out a Bloodpack base. Kaidan had heard about them – even on the Citadel - and he knew that they were trouble. They were ruthless and very willing to sacrifice innocents to achieve their goals or to simply advance themselves. Knowing those things made them acceptable targets; easier for his conscience.

Still, it would be the first combative mission since his arrival on the new Normandy and he couldn't help but feel excited. In an odd way, he was looking forward to it. It wasn't so much about the killing but what he really enjoyed about a fight was its demand of his entire concentration, focus and discipline. The exhaustion that would follow a completed mission or fight – **that** was what he wanted. It usually allowed him to sleep – without nightmares waking him in the middle of the night.

He had tried to achieve the same level of exhaustion through training but had never quite succeeded. Putting one's life at risk just demanded a different toll on the mind and body. But at least he had been able to train with the rest of the crew and observe and learn about their ways of combat. It increased their ability to work as a team... at least with those that were open to teamwork.

It had been rather difficult to convince Jack that dueling him during training sessions wasn't a good idea. Judging the combination of her biotic strength and her short temper, he would definitely leave some stains on the ship's walls in case of a loss. On the other hand, he knew he was more experienced and he was definitely a better tactician. But all in all, he had no desire to find out what the outcome would be.

Samara on the other hand had fascinated him. Her self-discipline, her dedication and her experience impressed him deeply and he had gladly accepted her offer to learn more about her meditation techniques. The training with the Justicar had actually brought him the closest to the level of exhaustion he needed for a good sleep.

Eventually Kaidan focused on his surroundings again and he suddenly observed a behavior that he had never seen during the training. As he watched Shepard with Thane and Garrus he became aware of how the three of them assisted each other almost instinctively. Garrus turned around silently and smoothly fastened the armor straps on Shepard's back, while Shepard checked her weapons. After that Shepard turned around and moved the Drells' weapon holster to the right spot. Thane just nodded and fastened it. There was a familiarity between them, that Kaidan envied. Before and after his time on the Normandy he had served with other soldiers but it had never been so – friendly and intimate as with Shepard's crew. She was always able to forge an invisible bond between the people on her team, no matter how great their differences.

To see how natural and trusting they interacted got to him but what was worse: he could do nothing but watch. He was an observer but not part of the group. Eventually he turned away, checking his own equipment once more when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Turn around" Shepard said and he complied without hesitation. Then she was suddenly in front of him. It took all his control to not step away. He had never liked people invading his personal space with a few exceptions of course. A moment later he felt her hands around his waist and it took him a second before he realized that she was fastening a belt around his body.

"Cerberus provided us with some useful gear. This is one of their shield generators that Mordin improved. They'll stop a few bullets so you don't have to worry about a barrier right away." She looked up at him and he wasn't sure if he just imagined it or if he could see a familiar warmth in her eyes.

"Thanks" was all he could bring out – he had not expected this and having her so close caught him off guard.

"You should link it with your omnitool. It'll warn you if the shield is wearing thin," she explained and pulled on the belt, making sure it sat right. "It'll recharge on its own – just find some cover and give it a few moments." When she was done she stood up straight again. "There, all set." Seeing that satisfied grin she always had when she was happy with what she had done, the caring warmth in her eyes made him realize once more just how much he had really missed.

"Will you take a regular and a heavy pistol only or do you want something else to go along with it?" He snapped out of his thoughts when she asked.

"I'm no good with a PR or shotgun but I still remember a few things about first aid – so give me some extra medigel and ammo and I'll be good to go." Shepard nodded. He felt more tugging on his armor and when he turned his head a bit, he saw Thane checking his holsters as well as the seals on his armor.

Kaidan felt stupid – only moments ago he had longed to be included and now he felt odd about the way his teammates double checking his suit, moving the holster for his weapons into position and helping him attach the small bags of extra ammo to his upper thigh and arm. Some moments later, Garrus handed him the additional First Aid equipment and Kaidan attached it to the belt, pushing it to the side until it rested on his lower back.

"Jacob and I upgraded your weapons a bit," Garrus informed Kaidan as he handed him two pistols "They have Increased clip size for your convenience and customized grips for less recoil. We just got done with them but you should be used to it after the first few shots."

Kaidan didn't quite know what to say. Usually, if he had wanted something out of the ordinary, he had to file requests with the requisition officer and explain the necessity of a modified weapon or a lighter armor to his superior. Here... they just did it – and they did it for him even though he was 'only' the Alliance liaison. It was all a bit confusing to him.

He was part of the crew... and yet he wasn't. Nobody seemed to know just how much they could trust him and he felt just about the same way towards them. The only one who could change that in the long run was Shepard... or had she already done it? For a few moments his mind withdrew from the armory as he remembered the last few days... and there were people greeting him, some giving him a hesitant smiles.

"Thank you, Garrus!" Kaidan finally replied as he took the weapons. After holstering them, he shook hands with the Turian. Due to the scars the smile on Garrus' face looked a bit twisted but it was able to give Kaidan strength.

"No worries, Alenko, just make good use of them" his old comrade told him and Kaidan nodded before he looked towards the Drell.

"And you as well, Thane. Thanks." The Drell just nodded politely and returned to his preparations.

"Shepard..." Kaidan wanted to say something but he didn't quite know what exactly. However it wasn't necessary. She seemed to understand and the smile she presented him with meant more than a thousand words. He was no longer alone... no longer separated from the ones around him. For the first time in three years, he had returned to be part of something – and this something could not have been anything better.

"Ok, gear up and head out, we'll be there in ten" Shepard said and with newly found strength all four of them began to move.


	14. Revenge & Cold Bacon

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.  
**

_Author Note: I apologize for the delay and I also apologize for leaving the battle scene to your imagination – at this time I simply couldn't be arsed to write it. My mood wasn't set to technical details and combat descriptions. I hope I'll get around to do something like it eventually though._

_Nighty is to thank for the betaing – and I apologize if there are some more issues. I changed a few things after the beta! I know – bad move. But if you find typos or the likes, send me pm._

_But more importantly, Chapter 14 is not only dedicated to Nighty – who sticks around, being a wonderful friend, despite my issues and neglect, but it is also to my good friend Carl, who passed to the next world some time ago. I miss you!_

_The rest of you – I hope you can enjoy!_

_

* * *

_

The battle was heated and didn't go as smooth as it could have. All but Thane brought back bruises and other small injuries. Fighting a berserk Krogan was one thing – fighting an entire squad of them was something entirely different even if the modified shield also helped to level out the impact of a charging enemy. Garrus and Shepard had received most of the melee damage – Kaidan had only been caught once and had been able to keep the enemy at bay after that. One bullet scratched him but it looked like a minor flesh wound only.

When they returned to the Normandy, Thane brought their weapons to the armory while the rest of them headed to the medbay. They had a good laugh at the different colorations and shapes of Krogan-caused bruises. Shepard and Kaidan grimaced when laughing – bruised and cracked ribs just do that to people. But despite the pain it felt good, just like a good day's work. All of them had been trained as professional soldiers and all of them had seen their share of battle and in a way, it was an essential part of their lives. Truth was - even if they had to retire at this very moment; even if they were to never fight again, they would still be training or looking for alternatives to real battles, just to stay sharp. But of course, that was an irrelevant thought – they knew there were a hell of a lot more battles to fight. But what really mattered at this point was that they had survived and that they had won the fight.

Since Garrus had only received some bruises and minor lacerations he left the medbay first and only his 'softer' comrades stayed behind.

"I think I said that you wouldn't have to worry about a barrier right away... not that you didn't have to worry about a barrier at all." Shepard smirked at Kaidan when Dr. Chakwas was working on his injured arm.

"I did put up a barrier – only a moment too late. You can't blame me for being slightly distracted by an unfamiliar beeping from my omnitool." He looked up from his bleeding arm as he spoke. "You on the other hand seemed to enjoy being a tossed around by angry Krogans." A little provocative smile crossed his face and even the doctor giggled a bit before she turned around to get the rest of her equipment.

"Is that so? Tell me Staff Commander Alenko – does that hurt?" Shepard quickly responded and before he could react, she had poked her finger slightly into the wound. His eyes widened a bit before he half coughed and half laughed out an "Ooww!"

"At least I didn't get shot" she added with a satisfied grin and Kaidan couldn't help but laugh with disbelief.

"I might have been shot but at least I don't have a bruise the size and shape of the Krogan home-world on my torso. Seriously – I think I prefer my scratch over your... planet sized hematoma. At least I still look pretty!" His retort left Shepard speechless – almost.

"That's true" were the two words that escaped her as she still stared at the man next to her. When she realized only moments later what she had just agreed to as she felt the light heat in her face. Luckily there was enough dirt and dust still clinging to her that the blush had probably gone unnoticed and she was grateful when Dr Chakwas stepped between them.

"Enough with the competition. I am glad you all came back in one piece – though I'd prefer if you would follow Thane's example. He never comes back with injuries" she paused before she mumbled almost inaudible "though I wouldn't mind it if he did – at times. No, I wouldn't mind that at all..." She didn't blush but a mischievous smirk was on the face of the otherwise so serious woman. The other two succeeded more or less in stifling their chuckles.

"I could try and shoot him on a mission and claim it was an accident" Shepard than offered still grinning like mad.

"I'll help covering it up" Kaidan offered and after a moment of embarrassed silence from the doc, there was general laughter.

* * *

The night had been so so for Kaidan. His exhausted body had kept the nightmares at bay but the stinging of the wound, whenever he had turned onto his arm pulled him right out of the well deserved rest. But all in all, when the time had come to get up, he felt pretty good, well despite the growling of his empty stomach.

Minutes later he was dressed, freshened up and on his way to the mess hall. The visit to the medbay could wait, especially when the aroma of bacon, eggs and French toast filled his nostrils. Gardner was as lively and as generous with the food as ever and without wasting another minute, Kaidan sat down to satisfy his incredible hunger. Considering the amount of people that filled the tables, it had to be around the time for the shift change.

A little smile crossed his face – he had not checked the time. He couldn't remember if there had ever been a day when he hadn't checked the clock first thing in the morning.

He was still grinning when someone tapped him on the shoulder. It was someone from the crew, asking if the seats next to him were available. He still couldn't stop smiling and only nodded. Actually – it caused him to continue to smile. It was nice to finally not sit all by himself anymore – it was nice to be part of the crew.

After a while he heard the familiar voice of Shepard, even through the constant murmuring of those around him.

"Well, do you trust him?" Involuntarily he lifted his head and looked around, trying to find her.

"Shepard, the last time I trust someone, I was shot in the face!" That was Zaeed and it actually answered a question that had been on Kaidan's mind. A rough chuckle from the old mercenary followed.

"Actually – that's not quite true. The last time I trusted someone, I ended up taking a trip through a deathtrap relay, invading the home base of a hostile alien race, saving the crew and destroying not only the Collectors but also a Reaper – while barely making it back through the same deathtrap relay. Yes, I think that was the last time I trusted someone."

They walked into Kaidan's sight and he could see the a genuine smile on Shepard's face.

"Well – you live and you got to see places nobody else will ever get to see. Beats getting shot in the head, if you ask me." Even he had to grin listening to them.

"I suppose you are right." Zaeed answered before he pointed in the direction of Gardner. Moments later they disappeared out of his sight. Of course he was curious but if it was something that concerned him, she would eventually tell him. Besides – there was still plenty of breakfast left that demanded his attention.

"... usually, yes. But he knows that I'm looking for him." There was Zaeed's voice again and only moments later Shepard sat down across from Kaidan, a cup of steaming coffee in her hand and Zaeed sat down next to him.

"In that case we'll just have to try and maybe catch him off guard." Shepard responded and when she said the last words she smiled at Kaidan "Isn't hat right, Commander?" He smiled and tilted his head a little until the food had gone down.

"You should know me better than that, Shepard. I won't agree on anything before I know what it is all about." She chuckled and nodded.

"Of course – it was just tempting." After a moment she directed her view to Zaeed again.

"If you think there is a good chance that Vito will be on that planet, we'll go and check it out. If he's there, I'll help you – at least as long" but before she could finish the sentence, Zaeed sighed.

"... as long as we follow the basic rules. No endangering civilians, no more destruction than needed. I know, Shepard, I know." He sounded annoyed when he said those words. Kaidan was convinced that it wasn't because Shepard had told him so many times, but because Zaeed considered it a hindrance to consider the lives of others.

"Fine, I'll go and check with him. Matt owes me – so it'll be cheap" Zaeed stood up again while he spoke. Before he walked off, he addressed her again. "Once I get the information, we'll have to move quickly. He won't be staying in once place for too long."

Shepard nodded in agreement and the scarred man left the mess hall. She looked at Kaidan again and quickly reached over the table, stealing a bite of food from his plate. Everyone else probably would have had their hand impaled on his fork – but this was Shepard.

"Slept well?" She asked before she nibbled on the piece of bacon in her fingers. A wide grin spread over his face when he grabbed her cup and took a sip of her coffee. For a moment she looked like a child who had her beloved teddy stolen. Kaidan wouldn't say it of course, but he thought it was adorable.

"For the most part. I woke up a few times but I feel pretty good." After he had put the cup down again, Shepard reclaimed it immediately, and if it was intended that her hands rested on his for a moment or if it was an accident... he just didn't know.

"Good, because it seems like we'll have work to do as soon as Zaeed finishes negotiating." She leaned back in her seat, stretching before enjoying more of the coffee.

"So, you have any idea what we'll be doing or rather what we'll be up against?" He continued eating his breakfast, waiting for her response. After all – cold bacon wasn't the most delicious thing.

"Well... let's just say I would like you to improve the timing between the shield and your barrier." Despite everything, he recognized the worried look on her face.

"That bad, yes?" She knew that she couldn't hide those things from him but he wasn't sure if she was happy about it.

"One thing you might not know about Zaeed is that... that he and his friend Vito founded the Blue Suns. That was before Vito decided that two leaders were one too many. So... to cut things short, we'll be after the current leader of Blue Suns and that means we'll be fighting a lot of them." Kaidan stopped chewing.

"The Blue Suns? As in one of the largest, one of the best organized and best equipped groups of mercenaries and security troops?" Depending on who hired them, the Blue Suns could support police or security forces or they could be hired as protection for freighters, buildings or people. But without contracts, they had also pirated and robbed. It was large group of decently to well trained mercs with a lot of guns at their disposal.

"Exactly those, yes." After a moment she gave him a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, we don't plan to hunt them all down. The Blue Suns are divided into different cells and most work independently – so if everything works out, we'll just have to fight Vito and his squad." Kaidan still didn't like the idea of going up against a group like the Blue Suns.

"Shepard... with all due respect, why? Aren't there enough enemies already? Do you really want to piss them off?" At first he was worried that it would anger her that he questioned her decision but then he saw her smile again.

"I promised him. I know how it feels to have unfinished business and I know what it feels like to be left behind. He needs closure and I promised to help him." As soon as she had said those words, the familiar feeling of guilt began to dig its fingers into his guts - again. No matter what anyone had said – he had never gotten over it that he had left her behind. If he had gone with her... he felt her hand on his.

"That is not what I am talking about, Kaidan. I never did think of it that way and you should stop too. Leave it behind. After all, we are both here now." Her voice was serious but warm and it reached him on a level nobody else could. Her warm hand lingered on his fingers for a short while and for this very moment it was like nothing bad had ever happened between them.

"Sayen – I..." he didn't know what he wanted to say but he felt the need to just voice her name. She looked at him knowingly and there was not only a smile on her lips but in her eyes as well. She squeezed her fingers around his for a moment before she got up.

"Work on the timing and the sync, ok?" The way she said it made him smile again and his eyes rested on her even when she walked away. When he finally resumed his breakfast, he realized that cold bacon would never be one of his favorite foods.


End file.
